What's Bruce Lee's favorite beverage?

So I was waiting on the bus since I had missed the one I usually catch. I had walked to the Ashland stop where there was this lady talking on what I assumed was her phone. Her conversation was very lively and one phrase caught my ear. "She was like that even when I had hair.' Wait, What?! I had not looked at her prior to that and I noticed that she had no hair, save for three isolated tufts of hair, and what I thought was a headphone cord was actually a lone, solitary blonde braid anchored to one of the tufts. She was carrying a small baby doll that she was cuddling and talking to it. Oh, I see. This is the bus to the Crazy Train.

She boarded the bus but stopped in the bottleneck area of the bus to look for her fare. The driver was on her business about the fare this morning and she refused to close the door until the fare was paid, or at least that what I thought it was. Truthfully, she left the door open to air out the bus while she was standing there. After a few minutes, the driver took out a bottle of smell-good and proceeded to spray the ENTIRE front of the bus. The crazy part was that no one that subsequently boarded the bus was shocked by her appearance, or they didn't let on that they were.

So I get to the train and I board. I'm waiting for my stop and I notice this super tall guy trying to mess with another guy that is asleep on the train. This will not do. I watch him to make sure he doesn't touch the guy or attempt to steal anything and this does not sit well with the guy. He mumbles something that I ignore but I do not avert my eyes from what he is doing.. I notice that he is not alone and that he has two buddies, one of whom disapproves of me interfering with their fun. The medium size guy decides that he wants to smack me around for being an observant citizen and not minding my own business. The problem with that is I believe it to be my business because I often fall asleep when riding public transportation due to my illness and that could have easily been me on the receiving end of that harassment and I would hope that a concerned citizen would do the same for me. I decide to make a stand. The medium guy tried to run up on me and I got to me feet so quickly that it surprised him and he stopped dead in his tracks (no pun intended). Since he could not run up on me and hit me he decided that he should kick me instead. He kicked me dead in my stomach but I did not flinch (martial arts training). This surprised him so that he spat at me. His smaller friend decided he wanted no parts of this and pushed him off the train at the next stop. I called him a bitch and gestured for him to try it again. That enraged him and he declared that he was, in fact, no bitch! He tried to get back on the train but his smaller buddy would not let him. As a parting shot I asked him if he realized that all that was caught on camera. He is lucky I did not get a chance to lay hands on him because I would have taken out 15 years of frustration on his limbs and it would be me that the cops were seeking. I hope he stays awake at night thinking that the cops might be at his door any day. I hope they catch him on Christmas Eve.

Escape from Chicago

So I know it's been awhile since I wrote about the bus but I feel that I must address what I witnessed the other day. I'm at 79th and the Dan Ryan Expressway waiting on the bus. I like this time of year, not because I like the cold (I hate it) but because it gets so cold that the wanna-be thug hot boys pull it their pants during this time of year. Or so I thought. This day I was accosted with this apparently Bears fan's asscheeks as he bends over REPEATEDLY to attend to his left shoe. I don't know if his shoe was untied, unkempt or just had a smudge on it but(t) he felt the need to continuously bend over and fix it. This is when I realized this guy was wearing tight, leather pants. Tight. Leather. Pants. Even the late, great Rick James would have thought these pants to be tight. At that point I reasoned that maybe he wasn't one of those guys that couldn't keep his pants on his ass for fashions sake but rather that he had to leave from where ever he was at the time and he grabbed the closest available pair he could find so that he may escape. They were simply too tight to pull up over his ass and he had to make his way home. Yeah, that's what I will keep telling myself.

Get up off me!!

So I was riding the bus and minding my own business, which i like to do when riding the bus, and I noticed that this couple was on the bus talking very loud. Now, when I say loud I mean extremely loud because I could hear them over my headphones. I was getting angry because I wanted to enjoy Loverboy's "Working For The Weekend" and they didn't seem to care. How dare they!! I wasn't interrupting you guys when you were getting drunk or high or whatever got you to that point so why did you have to be rude to me and my tunes?

Anyway, I tried to drown out the Loud Speaker Gang with even more tunes when suddenly this guy sits next to me. Now, if you are like me you would prefer to sit alone (unless it is a pretty girl) so, needless to say, I was a bit perturbed. When his man-purse almost touched my leg I wanted to snap. Who said I wanted you to sit next to me? To be fair, there was a chair between us because we were on the sideways bench but that is besides the point. Then it hit me. What the holy hordes of Hoggarth does this guy have on? Whatever the scent was, he was drenched in it. Now, I will attempt my very best to describe this "fragrance." It smelled like microwaved pissy diapers soaked in tomato sauce and topped in parmesan cheese with a side of garlic butter toast. UGH!! I wanted to throw up. Dude!! I kept thinking to myself that there was only a few more blocks before I get to the train. and I can get away from that stench. This is why when I decide to get a new cologne I take a female with me so that she can pick it out. He must not have any friends otherwise he would not have picked that scent.

When we got close to the train I got up, ready to bolt for the station. When he didn't get up I thought I might be able to lose him. I got off a full stop ahead just to get away from him and it was a good thing I did because the train had just pulled up. I started fast walking to get to the train and when I jumped on who follows right behind me but Eau de Pamper Piss. Dammit!! I started to go to the next car but he sat on the opposite end of the car. Whew!

So, on my way to the house, I decide to take the scenic route but the 79th street bus was super crowded. When I finally get a seat, this fluffy girl decides to sit next to me. The was ok but every time someone slid past her she would lean way into me. I mean WAY into me. She was damn near on top of me a few times. Now, if you know, me you know I'm a huge fan of personal space. Ooff! Dang, big girl, get off me! it got to the point where I wasn't sure if we were having sex or not. Ooff! Dang!! At least by me dinner first! Ooff! Ugh!! I'm getting a cramp in my leg. OOOOOoooofff!! If she keeps this up I am going to have to change my relationship status!

Cirque de CTA

So I was riding the train and minding my own business. When I decide to mind my own business I'm usually successful at it but THIS day was different. THIS day I was on the train with my headphones on, listening to music and oblivious to the world until these kids got on the train. From what I could tell there were four of them. The girl that was the oldest didn't look as though she was old enough to have these kids on public transportation by herself so I assumed there was a parent somewhere on the train. The next oldest was busy teasing the youngest who just wanted to listen to the girl's headphones. The next in line thought he was a gymnast and kept swinging from the hand holds like he was trying out for the next Olympic team. Every time he swung near me I wanted to punch him in his gut to make him fall. Nothing serious, just a quick jab in the solar plexus, timed just right so that he cannot identify who punched him until I'm off the train. Don't get me wrong, I wanted them to know I did it but I didn't want to have to fight the parent. No kid should have to see their parent(s) get their ass(es) whopped.

At this point I wanted one of them to step on my foot. Nothing crushing but just enough so that I could punt one of them to the other end of the car. Apparently, these kids were small ninjas who were adept in the art of playing at full steam but not bumping into adults. When I finally got to my stop I noticed the mother. She had an even younger kid with her and this look on her face that was pure hatred. I could not tell if it was for the kids, the man/men that impregnated her. or the world in general. Just was just hateful. the embodiment of a life full of hate. I assumed she looked like this all the time because none of the kids seemed to bothered by their mother having that look. I wondered how she managed to get pregnant so many times with that look on her face. She must like the lights off when she does it. Either that or she has really good cootie cat, so much so that her mating partner can ignore that fucking scowl on her face.

Young Lesbians in lust

So I was riding the subway coming from the movies. As I often find myself, I was deep in thought as a result of the movie I just saw. The station was seemingly empty but people were steadily streaming into it. I noticed a bit of a crowd gathering to one side. I wondered what was attracting people to that side. Being the nosy bastard that I am I moseyed over to see what was happening. Hmm. Just a couple of lesbians undressing each other about to get freaky in public. Wait. What?! Rewind. A couple of lesbians. Clothes coming off. Are those Victoria's not so secret Secrets? Hmm. A matching bra and panty set. Why is she laying down on the nasty platform?

Now don't get me wrong. I try to honor the fact that some women like women only but a titty in public is still a titty in public and I don't know about you but I like me some titties! If you pull out some titties I'm going to see me some damn titties. And, by the looks of it, I was about to see some titties, ass and maybe a bush or two. Then, suddenly the train pulls up ON TIME! WTF?!?! Clothes slide back on and the ladies get on the train. Damn you, on time ass fucking ass train!

Missed opportunities

So I was riding the suburban bus the other day and I realized that I like riding the suburban bus. Not so much for the bus itself because I've come to realize that the suburban buses are run down and old but the passengers are nicer and the women are prettier. Apparently they don't let THOTs on the suburban routes or, if they manage to sneak on, they are Diet THOTs and not full blown. Think less THOTy or, if you prefer, THOT lite. Most of the women I see on the suburban buses seem to be gainfully employed and on the way
to or coming from work. I'll get back to the women after I tell you what I saw this time.

This old guy gets on wearing shorts, knee and elbow pads, a headband and he is carrying a fold up scooter. A. Fold. Up. Scooter. Where the hell is this guy going? I figure he was either going to a skate park or he had just come from one. Now I had not noticed but another old guy with a cane started staring this guy down. It was not a passing glance type of thing but more like old dude was major salty at this guy. I guess he was either jealous of this guy's mobility or just thought he was a damned fool that needed some pants. Whatever it was he had full eye lasers on this guy so much so that the other guy had to sit down before he lost consciousness. Now I know you guys sometimes doubt the stories thinking that I exaggerate the descriptions so I took a pic this time. See below.

Where is this guy going?

Anyway, back to the ladies. While I was watching the potential Old guy kung fu show I failed to notice this super extra mega fine girl that worked at Marshalls. She kept looking back but I thought it was just the conversation I was having with random guys one and two. Now when it comes to the ladies I'm not too swift on the uptake. It's not that I'm painfully shy or anything, it's just that I'm dense to stuff like that.

Well, once we got to the terminal we made our way to the trains and this random ass guys walked passed her and exclaimed "Bitch!" WTF?! That was random as hell. I walk over to her and said, "he wasn't talking to you." She said, "I know he wasn't talking to me," in total sass. mode. I thought I might be able to spark up a conversation but a random ass CTA lady asked her what Marshalls she work at and distracted her from going to the platform. Damn you, you cock blocking random ass CTA lady! Oh well. I got on the train once it got there and, lo and behold. the Marshalls lady was already sitting down (She must be a ninja!). I walked towards the doors and before I could get to the end of the car she tripped me. Was that an attempt at getting my attention? Did I just get the ok? The world will never know! Why, you ask? Because I got distracted by these three drug addled knuckleheads. One guy had this bike straddled across several seats where no one else could sit. The other two sat across from us and next to the Marshalls lady. They were embroiled in a conversation about different types of pills and their effects on people. Suddenly, two of them exchanged pills they were selling in an even swap while I watched in utter amazement. While I'm sure that my mouth was agape, the other guy starts flirting with the Marshalls lady. What?! Hey, buddy, that's MY next ex girlfriend! Not yours!! Damn you, you druggies with nothing to lose! **shakes fist in furious anger and righteous indignation**

The game is to be told, not sold

So I was riding the bus and this girl was riding next to me while on her phone. I assumed she works at McDonalds due to her wearing a McDonalds uniform. I then celebrated my promotion to Captain and began listening to the conversation. She was talking about a co-worker she is at odds with. Apparently, she feels that this co-worker, and every other person she has ever dealt with, speaks to her with disregard and total abandon. Since I'm not one to jump to conclusions I took it upon myself to make a determination of whether or not this young lady deserved such scrutiny. I am certified by the National Ear Hustlers Administration (NEHA for short) to make such assessments and since she felt the need to publicly proclaim that "these bitches need to stop playing with (her)" and as to her query why "these hoes think they can talk any old way " to her needing to be answered, I was obliged to examine the evidence.

The girl stated that the offending girl said that this girl was "slow." I had a question as to what type of slow she meant but the girl's defence let me know which type when she proclaimed that the offender was "slow" and that was the reason the offender still works the front register and only makes $9.25 and hour as opposed to this girl's $10. Now, I'm sorry but I was under the impression that you would want your sharper employees at the Point of Sale, dealing with customers. Apparently, McDonalds Corporation puts its new, unproven employees on the front line handling money and facing customers instead of making fries and flipping burgers in the back.  Since they have billions of dollars and I have three nickles that I rub together, trying to make them breed, I guess they know what they are doing.

Anyway, the girl went on about how the two of them used to be friends but since they moved her to whatever station they had available and started paying her the big bucks things went south between them.  I was starting the feel for this young lady.  Maybe the world IS shitting on her.  Maybe everyone IS talking greasy to her and they need to watch what they say.  Then she said that everything was cool with her and the other girl until she "up and did a '360' on her."  Hmmm/  Looks like we have a winner, folks.  She had me right up until that point.  Now for those of you that don't know why that statement was incorrect, I will explain.  The correct term is 180.  If you do a 180 you are now facing the opposite direction.  If your did a 360 you did a complete circle and you are now facing the exact same direction you were facing in the first place.  Since she feels that other people are slow and she is on point, I submit to you that she is the slow one, everyone else is correct in their assumptions about her and  this fact reflects in the way  they speak to her and they gave her the raise to shut her up about having to clean the bathrooms and make the fries.  

Time traveling pimps and out of pocket hos

So I was waiting for the train and the Traveling Pimp showed up again. I tried to take a pic of the guy but his Pimp Ninja powers were active and the Pimp Force is strong with this one so i couldn't get a good pic. It's as if he knew I planned on taking the picture and purposely wore clothing that would allow him to blend into the train. I did, however, manage to active my brain to take a metal picture and here is what he wore today. his hat was that huge floppy hat that my father calls a "Big Apple" style. It was grey and obscured his face and afro from being viewed from the rear. His shirt was a silk , animal print that billowed outward from his torso. It was fastened at the top button with a rhinestone broach, possibly with a string tie. His pants were high waisted and black with a circulation defying tightness from the waist down to the knee, flaring out at the calves. Pimp!

Well, I figured that this is the norm these day and chalked it up to being free spirited. That's when I realized that we are being visited from the past by time traveling pimps because that first guy was an advanced scout. I saw his commander later that day. THIS guy was wearing something out of the 1800's. Seriously this guy looked like a guy out of a Victorian novel. His hat was a type of soft top hat made from the finest felt. He had round spectacles with dark lenses. (They may have been goggles but I refuse to acknowledge that he may have been a steampunk pimp) He had on a billowy ascot in his black shirt. He also wore long coattails over ANOTHER coattails of equal length. Skinny slacks and short heeled ankle boots rounded out the outfit. If this guy was not from the past, traveling through time and misjudged the attire for this day and age, I'm the next Doctor and the TARDIS is in my backyard. Man, I wish I could have gotten some pics.

Anyway, I get to the bus and board. I usually go one stop ahead of the train station so that I can get a seat. This time the aisle was blocked by a girl with her big, dumb ass stroller. I tried to squeeze by but she stopped me by saying, rather rudely, that she was about to get off. Feeling inconvenienced, I mentioned that she should have folded up the stroller if the spot that is reserved for wheelchairs was taken.

Me: It is illegal to block the aisle with a stroller.

Her: Shit I'm about to get off the damn bus. This is not your bus!

The bus stops and the door opens. I look to see if I can squeeze by.

Her: Shit, man. Get the fuck off the bus.

Me: (Pissed) You are not supposed to have that big ass fucker on the bus blocking up the aisle anyway!

Her: Shut the fuck up before I spit on you, BITCH!! It's not your fucking bus!

Me: (Totally taken aback) Oh, yeah? Well,....I'd like to see that!

I didn't want to see that. I don't know where the hell her mouth has been. I hate when women talk greasy to you because they think that you won't punch them in the face. Well, ok, I wasn't going to punch her in the face but nobody wants to get spat on. I suppose her mouth was safe, though, because If she was a swallower she would not have had the kid in the first place.

Collar popping

So I was riding the bus and, this morning, I was filled with righteous indignation. My early morning bus riding companion was forced to listen to me rail against all that was not right with the world. Blah blah this and blah blah that. I talked all the way to the train and once I got to the platform I continued to rage against the machine all the way up to the point that the player/pimp showed up. I stopped in my tracks! Where the hell is this guy going at this time of day? My travel companion, who is an older lady with grown children, turned to look at the gentleman. Today he was wearing a reversed tiger striped shirt. When I say reversed, I mean that the shirt was black and the stripes were gold. His slacks were pinstriped and very, very high waisted. When I say high waisted I mean in the region of a Zoot Suit but twice the width of a cumberbun. I would hazard to say that the waistband was about 8 inches and very tight in the buttocks, again flaring at the calves. Today's hat was again a Summer selection of straw with a very wide, frayed brim. The feather, or should I say "plume" was a modest black selection that was mildly fluffed. After witnessing this I had to speak on the guy's appearance to the lady.

Me: Rage rage rage and more rage....(pimp sighted)..that guy is always dressed in flamboyant clothes.

Her: Yes!! He never wears the same thing twice!

Me: (Not knowing whether I should speak ill of the guy to this lady after sensing a bit of admiration) You are right! I've never seen him in the same thing. He has something on that is different every time I see him.

Her: And he always smells good, too!

Me: I wonder what type of job he has that allows him to dress in such a fashion.

Her: I can only imagine!

Me: (Testing the waters) Please excuse the description but I refer to him as "The Player" because that is what I think he is or used to be.

Her: No, no I think he is uh, what you call that profession where the guy runs the women? You know what I'm talking about? You know, the guys that be running them women.

Me: (Awkward level DEFCON 2) Ummm....a pimp?

Her: Yes! YESSS!!!! That's what he is! (Smiling as if something wonderful had been accomplished)

I don't know what was more awkward. Talking to this Grandmother about pimps or the fact that she, apparently, just "chose" this particular pimp. I don't feel like getting pimp slapped and stabbed when he comes back over here to claim his bitch.

Stranger Danger in the 'burbs.

So I was riding the bus for shits and giggles. Not really. I had a purpose but once I completed my tasks for the day I decided to take a roundabout way home for sightseeing purposes. First, let me tell you about the ride to the mall. I took a direct route to the mall today and I kept running into attractive women on the way. When I got to 95th, I saw this very attractive young lady talking to what looked like a typical thug. Man, she is really attractive. Why would she talk to this...Whoa! Ok. I think I get the attraction once she opened her mouth to take a sip of her juice. It looked like she had been chewing a 2 inch dowel rod down to a 1/4 inch pointer. Hey, babygirl. You know you can get that fixed. No need to have low self esteem and settle for thugalicious here. Oh, well.

On the way back from the mall I decided to take the scenic route back. it wasn't a very long ride but I wasn't in any particular rush so I went to the back of the bus and turned on my MP3 player. There was this little girl bounding around in one seat ahead of me. As some parents do, her mother decided to let her have a sense of independence by letting her sit in the back of the bus. She was keeping an eye on her and thus kept an eye on me since I was in the near vicinity. There was a 3 seat buffer from anyone else sitting near the back. Hmmm. I'm in the suburbs, I'm near a nervous White mother's little girl. I'm Black. Not looking good, sir. It's looking a little lynchy in this piece. Wait. Fuck that shit. I can sit wherever I damn well please! I'm a former member of the Armed Forces of the United States of America, I'm an upstanding member of the community, THIS is the 21st century AND my President is Black! I have nothing to fear. Just as I confirm my convictions another guy of the African American persuasion decides to get on the bu and SIT RIGHT NEXT TO THE LITTLE GIRL! Dude. DUDE!! Of the 10 or so vacant seats on the bus, you wan to sit your big 300 pound, hotdog neck having, Malcolm X glasses wearing, dufflebag carrying, Vietnam Era fatigue possessing ASS right next to this little girl and in front of ME?!?! I can feel the mother's alert status change to DEFCON 1 (being the most severe) and my, I'm about to get beaten about the head, neck and shoulders with a police baton, alarm going off. I stare at the back of his neck with such intensity that I fried those hotdogs real nice. Even the little girl thought his sitting next to her seemed creepy and moved.

Anyway, I was so distracted my this shituation that I failed to notice the lady sitting next to me. This one was finer than frog hair but I was preoccupied. Had I noticed her while we were both on the bus I might have had a new girlfriend. Hey lady on t he back of the bus on route 381 going Eastbound, If you remember seeing me on the bus I will be at Jackson Park on August 2nd at 60th and Stoney Island Ave. Come by if you want a boyfriend!

When I got to the 79th street bus I noticed that the area seemed to have a migration of THOTs passing through. A couple of them boarded the bus and moved to the center of the bus. A seat opened up and they started to make a move towards the empty seats. An older guy took one of the seats after offering one to a lady that refused it. The THOTs looked at him with a slight look of disgust. I supposed they thought he would offer the seat to them but he didn't even acknowledge them. Silly THOTs, seats are for women.

Throwback Thursday

So I was riding the train this morning and I saw my buddy, the retired pimp/player. The reason I give him a dual classification is because it's not clear whether he was a pimp or player. To understand my confusion I have to describe what he was wearing today. He had on a track suite that looks like somthing Rev. Al Sharpton would have worn when he was still big. To top that, he wore a straw hat on his perfectly afroed hair that had the biggest, pimp-iest feather I've ever seen. The feather was just short of being the size a Vegas showgirl would wear. Lastly, he had a walking cane that I had not noticed before. Now I had not noticed any jewelry but I'm sure he had something draped within his taco meat.

Later that day I meet up with my Buddy, Greedy, so we could get some tasks done and we notice a couple trying to jump the turnstyle. I say trying because the woman went under it and the dude had a bad back or knees or something because he was stuck trying to lift his leg. I wanted to continue to view the spectacle but I almost ran into a sexy, afroed, bubble bootied undercover cop lady making an arrest. She was channeling her Pam Grier while she was putting on the cuffs as her partner held the guy. This was very shocking to me because I didn't know that the transit detail had undercovers and she was so tall and sexy. I contemplated committing a crime just to get close to her but I'm too pretty to go to jail. Sexy, afroed, bubble bootied undercover cop lady, I love you!!!

Sexy, afroed cop lady is not amused

A walk on the wild side

So I was riding the train this morning and I noticed this guy dressed in what I could only describe as 70's chic. In fact, I've seen this guy before and he is always dressed in this fashion. Let me tell you what he had on: Black slacks, a print shirt and a "big apple" hat. Now, for those of you that didn't exist in the 70's, I will go into better detail. His slacks were tight fitting around the buttocks/hip/thigh area but flared out around the calves. This is the classic 70's era style of pants. His shirt was a print pattern like you would see your granny wear if she was a babushka. His hat was the biggest "big apple" style I've ever seen. In fact, his hat could double as an umbrella. Now I could not tell if he was a retired pimp or a player on disability but I've seen him around the same time of day so that means he is either employed somewhere they allow him to dress in that manner OR he cosplays as Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch. Either way he must have recognized me from before and he decided to walk on the other side of the platform, possible due to the look of scorn on my face.

Anyway, as I boarded the train this homeless lady got on the same car. That's a bit judgemental, you say? How do I know she was homeless, you ask? Well, apparently, this was not the first time she had encountered this train driver. Now, she had quite a bit of stuff in about 4 plastic garbage bags and a baby stroller. She had a whole routine mapped out on how to board the train without leaving any of her bags. First, she wedged the first bag between the doors. Then she fetched the stroller and her other bags and then she double checked to make sure that she did not leave any of her possessions. The driver asked her to move the bag from the path of the doors and she promptly yelled "How come every time I ride this train you give me grief? Leave me alone!" She then proceeded to arrange her bags in a sort of beanbag fort and then she went to sleep.

On my way back is when the big stuff got started. As I got to the platform I see a bunch of people crowded at the door. WTF?!? Get out of the way, dammit! Once I moved beyond the doorway I could see why there was a fuss. Some guy is walking on the retainer wall separating the train from the expressway just as plain as day. Dude! He's just walking along like he had not a care in the world. That guy: "Noony Noony Noo." (whistle whistle whistle). One lady reported it to the CTA guy up top while everyone else pulled out their phones to record it for Worldstar. I called the State Troopers via 911. Here's how that call went:




Her: Hello 911 emergency.

me: Hi. There's a guy walking along the median on the Dan Ryan Expressway at 55th! He just jumped down from the median and he is under the underpass!

her: Where is he?

me: The underpass!

her: What underpass?

me: The Dan Ryan expressway at 55th!

her: Is he on the highway?

me: What?

her: The highway.

me: Wait, I can't hear you. I'm on the platform. Let me walk insaide.

her: Is he on the highway?

me: What?

her: The highway.

me: (Getting frustrated) Yes, dammit! Shit!

her: There's no need for that, sir. (Pause for apology. No apology given. No fucks given, either.) Let me transfer you.

new person: State patrol.

me: There's a guy walking along the median on the Dan Ryan Expressway at 55th! He jumped down from the median and he is under the underpass!

new person: What does he have on?

me: I can't see him from this angle anymore.

new person: Which side?

me: He's on the north bound side.

new person: Ok. We are on it. (Click)

Suddenly two Chicago cops come down to the platform. One walks one way and the other the opposite direction. I point in the direction of the guy and tell him "he went that way." Three Firefighters come down with a CTA supervisor who is telling the CTA to stop the power. My train pulls up and stops with no power to move and the driver tells the passengers that they will be sitting a moment while the responders get the guy. Everybody moans and people start to leave the train, looking for alternate routes. Not one person said "I wonder if that guy is alright." He was, however, 17 kinds of dumbass, 15 types of asshole and a few cocksuckers thrown in for good measure. When the responders got off the tracks and the train started moving I saw where the State Troopers I called had him by the side of the road and one of those big, dumb ass yellow roadside assist trucks had the highway blocked off. At that point I decided I had enough excitement for the day and went home to take a naps. And to that 911 operator, still no fucks were given about your feelings.

And on the left we have...

So today was a special day for me because I had to ride the Pace bus out to Chicago Ridge Mall. For those of you that are unfamiliar with the Pace Bus, that is the system that services the suburban area. When I ride the Pace I expect all shenanigans to cease and desist whilst I ride through yonder suburbs. Generally all things are better on the Pace Bus. The drivers are nicer. The passengers are more tranquil. The women are prettier. Things in general are all around better. That being said, why did I get on the bus with a laid off greeter from Wal-Mart? This old man had to speak to every person on the bus. EVERY. PERSON. Dude! And he was calling people out trying to get conversations started.

"Hey girl! How you doin'?"

"Hey you in the black hat! Young Man!"

(me ignoring him)

"Hi, young lady! You sure look pretty today!"

"You in the black hat!"

(me ignoring him....hard!)

"Hi little kid! You out here wit' yo' mama?"

"Hello pretty lady!"

"Young Man in the black hat!!"

(pretending to nod off)

"Better not fall asleep on the bus. Dey gonna rob you!"

This old man rode all the way to the mall talking. When we got to the mall stop this guy GETS OFF AT THE SAME STOP!!

"Young man!"

(pretending I'm from Kazakhstan and English is not one of my languages.)

I can't tell you how happy I was to see the CTA on the way back.

I have not the spine for it

So I was riding the bus today and I discovered that the long buses do not have good shocks in the rear portion of the bus. How did I discover this fact, you ask? Well, for some odd reason my bus driver for today felt the need to hit every hole in the road. Every. Damn. Hole. In fact it was so frequent that I believe she may have pre-dug some of those holes the night before and hit them all to test them out.

BaM!

Yep, that's a hole.

Every time she would hit a hole my entire lumbar system would jar violently and my testacles would bang together like those damned Click Clack balls your sister used to terrorize the family with.

BaM!

Yep, that's another hole,

While I was trying to anticipate the next ball knocker, this lady gets one the bus and heads straight for the back where I was sitting, She had on some white stretchy pants with a leather chap style front. Yes, that's what I said. Anyway, she wanted to keep them and white as possible so she sat on her purse. Her tiny little purse. Her tiny, SEQUINED purse, I got to thinking about what might have been in the purse.Now I was getting my spine renumbered every time we hit a hole so she must've been getting punched in the bootyhole with the mascara brush that had to be in her purse (according to those big, dumb ass fake eyelashes she was wearing,)

Rain rain, go away

So I was about to board the bus today and I see this guy pull up in a 300. For those of you that are not from the hood, the Chrysler 300 is known as the hood (poor man's) Bentley. He was trying to talk to some women in the turning lane but it was starting to rain and his windshield wipers were on. Apparently, he needed new wiper blades and had procrastinated in getting them replaced and he had only one good blade and the other was missing. Since the one was missing he had the arm in the install position so it would not scratch up the window. As I'm assessing this fact, the girls pull off, laughing what seemed hysterically. The guy had this look on his face like he was back in High School and just got dissed by the head cheerleader when he asked her to the Spring dance. He then proceeded to peel off when the light changed. I don't know why he expected any other response with his wannabe Bentley doing the Nae Nae because he was too cheap to get another blade from Autozone.

My fare, lady.

So I was riding the bus today. When you ride the bus you will always see someone that has a story about why they don't have the fare. These stories vary from person to person. The part that kills me is you know you don't have the fare but you get on first. You are holding up the ENTIRE line. I think it is a ploy so that the driver will let you board just so you don't hold up the bus with your sob story. The only thing as bad is when people (women) get on the bus and then have to search for the fare or their pass. You were standing on the bus stop for 1/2 an hour, lady. If you didn't want to open your purse at the stop then you should have palmed your pass or fare before you walked up! Sheesh!

Well, I soon forgot about all that because I caught a glimpse of a female that looked pretty damned good. She was the right height, weight, complexion, hell everything or at least I thought so at first. When she turned towards me? BAMM!! I would like to say she was a cougar (and I have nothing against cougars) but you've got to remember, I'm in my late forties. A cougar for me is more like a sabertooth tiger (you know, like a fossil). Still I was like "man, I'll knock the dust off that cootie cat!"
It wasn't until she got off and stood in the daylight did I realize that she wasn't a cougar and that my glasses were just dirty. I think I need some Windex.

Anyway, when I got off to go to Walgreens, there was this guy soliciting change at the stop. He is what we call a "Bucket Boy." That's a guy that takes some drumsticks he smuggled out of his High School and a bucket he got from behind and fast food place that uses pickles and drums on the bucket alternating between that and using the bucket to collect change. THIS guy , however, was drumming up a storm RIGHT NEXT TO THIS GUY'S CAR!! It was crazy! You've got the Bucket Boy drumming furiously and staring at the driver and the driver looking at him like "you've got to do better than that for this 31 cents, kid." It was a battle of wills.

Thumpety Thumpety Thump Thump Thump.

No reaction.

Thumpety Thumpety Thump Thump Thump.

STILL no reaction.

Thumpety Thumpety Thump Thump Thump.

**yawn**

The Bucket Boy was getting nervous because he only knew one cadence and he knew he only had 10 more seconds before the light changed and he opportunity was gone forever. I assume that the guy never gave him that change. I think he was saving up for a gallon of gas.

Then the papa tomato said "ketchup"."

So, sometimes when I write my bus stories I leave stuff out. Not because I am editing or anything noble but simply because I forgot. Take the other day, for instance. I totally forgot about The Walking Dude. Let me explain. This guy is walking the length of the train platform, like the total length, Back and Forth. To and Fro. Hither and Yonder. Aquí y Allá. You get the point. Well, maybe he was just getting his exercise, you say? Maybe I would have bought into that but the guy was walking like he was from the Ministry of Silly Walks (www.youtube.com/watch?v=iV2ViNJFZC8). Every time he would pass me he added another aspect of how silly he was walking. It was so strange that I thought he might have been hoping that someone recorded him doing it to get on one of those viral video shows. (If I record you I get to keep the money!)

Anyway, another time there was this lady that got on the train. She was what I would call a Super Full Figured Woman (BBBW) and she was very forward in her existence. She went to sit down on one of the bench seat son the train and she proclaimed(!) that she, as a big girl, was sitting down. Well, it was more like a warning.the seat was a four person seat but the couple on the end was comprised of a retired Marine and his "bigums" wife. That meant the guy was sandwiched between them. I don't think he minded so much because he likes them round. The guy that might have had a problem was the other guy that was next the the little wall that separates the seats from the door. THAT guy got smashed. He was compressed between that wall and her thighs. Now, Lord knows that I like my women with some weight and curves (only on even numbered days. The odd numbered ones I dig on skinny chicks. I also like them hairy every 5th day and shaved most of the rest of the week. Anyway...) but this chick was fortified. She may have even had a titanium skeleton and bullet proof skin. When the couple got up to leave the train she moved over to their seats. The smashed guy stayed put but he was still smashed! I was pressed up against the wall like the Coyote after he got smashed by a boulder against the base of a cliff. In fact, it was like Jim Carrey in The Mask. I'm telling yo9u I can't make this shit up.So, sometimes when I write my bus stories I leave stuff out. Not because I am editing or anything noble but simply because I forgot. Take the other day, for instance. I totally forgot about The Walking Dude. Let me explain. This guy is walking the length of the train platform, like the total length, Back and Forth. To and Fro. Hither and Yonder. Aquí y Allá. You get the point. Well, maybe he was just getting his exercise, you say? Maybe I would have bought into that but the guy was walking like he was from the Ministry of Silly Walks (www.youtube.com/watch?v=iV2ViNJFZC8). Every time he would pass me he added another aspect of how silly he was walking. It was so strange that I thought he might have been hoping that someone recorded him doing it to get on one of those viral video shows. (If I record you I get to keep the money!)

Anyway, another time there was this lady that got on the train. She was what I would call a Super Full Figured Woman (BBBW) and she was very forward in her existence. She went to sit down on one of the bench seat son the train and she proclaimed(!) that she, as a big girl, was sitting down. Well, it was more like a warning.the seat was a four person seat but the couple on the end was comprised of a retired Marine and his "bigums" wife. That meant the guy was sandwiched between them. I don't think he minded so much because he likes them round. The guy that might have had a problem was the other guy that was next the the little wall that separates the seats from the door. THAT guy got smashed. He was compressed between that wall and her thighs. Now, Lord knows that I like my women with some weight and curves (only on even numbered days. The odd numbered ones I dig on skinny chicks. I also like them hairy every 5th day and shaved most of the rest of the week. Anyway...) but this chick was fortified. She may have even had a titanium skeleton and bullet proof skin. When the couple got up to leave the train she moved over to their seats. The smashed guy stayed put but he was still smashed! I was pressed up against the wall like the Coyote after he got smashed by a boulder against the base of a cliff. In fact, it was like Jim Carrey in The Mask. I'm telling you I can't make this shit up.

Dirty looks and dirty moves

So I was riding the bus and I decided to take an alternate route home. I usually don't take such chances but something was warding me off the normal route. Everything was running smoothly from connection to connection until I got to the Ashland bus. It was bit crowded but it was still cool. I notice that people have their favorite seats when riding on the bus and you know it when you are in their favorite seat because they give you what I like to call "the stink eye." They sometimes don't sit,even if there are seats available, and they just hang around the seat where you are sitting. Dang, lady! Normally I would have a fist full of dollars when a female has her crotch in my face and she would not be giving me those types of dirty looks. Well, maybe she would but I'd be preoccupied with ass and titties.

Anyway, speaking of strip clubs, this one lady was sitting calmly next to this guy. A few seats started to open up but she stayed put. That is usually weird for someone to stay in a seat if there is an open one near them and it usually makes the person in the window seat a bit nervous. Suddenly, the seat behind her opened up. In one super-mega-ultra smooth ass move, she grabbed the pole and swung around to the seat behind her and plopped in the window seat. (!) Did she just perform a classic stripperpole move on the bus? It was so quick and professional that I almost didn't catch it. As I replay it in my mind I do believe that she was in the classic one leg out swing around position that all stripper learn in stripper basic training at the stripper academy at Everest College. She was older so she may have been a Professor. (Professor XXX)

Well, when I got to 79th I had to cross the street for the bus. This little, Old lady was next to me at the crosswalk. Did she just check me? I look her over. She has a cane but I think I can take her. The light turned green and she took off! We were neck and neck and I was positioning to pass her but she kept edging me out with that damned cane. I'm not letting this old bat beat me to the corner! I go to make my move and...wait.....did she just hit turbo? This old bat just beat me in the straightaway. I didn't notice that she had on orthopedics and that gave her the edge. I'm going to take you next time, you old biddy!

Pimping ain't easy

So I was late for the bus today by about 30 seconds. Dammit. Which way do I go? Do I wait for the next one in 30 minutes. Hell no! Once I begin forward movement, I keep it moving! I decide to take my alternate route which is to take Ashland to the 95th Red Line Station.When i got there the train timetable said that the next train left in 2 minutes and the one after left in 12. After I see the train pulling out the sign changed and the 2 went away and the 12 was replaced by a 10. Swell. I go back upstairs to buy some food and drink and, upon my return to the turnstiles, the thing tells me that I can't go in. WHAT!?!? I try to get the attention of the CTA personnel speaking to two cops. It went something like this.

Me: Excuse me.

CTA person: Yes?

Me: It won't let me through.

CTA person: You have to wait 18 minutes.

Me: You don't understand. I just went through but I came back up to buy something when I missed my train.

CTA person: It's not our fault you missed your train.

Me: I understand that but since I had time I went to buy some food and I need to get to Dialysis,

CTA person: You have to wait 18 minutes

Me: I'm going to miss my appointment.

CTA Person: That's not our fault.

Other CTA person: (scoffs) Fine. (uses her pass)

What the hell? Was is THAT hard? OR are you mad because I interrupted you flirty flirt flirt time with those cops? How sexy can you be in polyester and sensible shoes?? Plus, I didn't know the CTA made a time allotment for being whores on the clock.

Once I get on the train everything seems to settle down and we are underway. This old guy gets on at 79th and he pushes his walker to the opposite door. It's one of those fancy ones with the chair built into it and he sits down immediately fall asleep. It was like a knockout punch. We get to 69th and he is sound asleep but suddenly he wakes as the doors are about to close and says "Son of a bitch" and walks the walker out trailing him. I could have sworn that he was going to faceplant himself but he is apparently a professional and a member of the Nitro Circus because he whips it around without missing a step. Fun averted.

Anyway, the ride home way better. The only thing that happened was I sat across from this Fraternity guy. He was a member of Kappa Alpha Psi Fraternity, Inc. (ΚΑΨ) and he was number 12 in a line of 15 and he was a pretty boy and possibly a nupe but I couldn't tell just by glancing. He had his eye on the lady sitting next to me. Except for her painted on eyebrows she was very attractive and he felt that way as well. He says "Excuse me, miss" but she doesn't hear him due to the earplugs she has. He waits patiently for his opening (or maybe I should say her opening because he was on the hunt). The problem I had with it was that he was staring at her the whole time. Dude! You are making ME nervous for her. He was like a big cat hunting something from the tall grass. As soon as she opened her eyes he hit her with the super smoothness. Cue 70's porn bassline. He mumbled under his breath because if he didn't want to start an orgy with his super pimpness. You know you have to wield that type of mack very carefully.

P.S.  I have been informed by some of my friends that I have performed a blatant faux pas to my readers by not concluding that story about the frat guy. For this, I am sorry.  I did not stay on the train long enough to see the conclusion of the booty hunt.  It was like the part in Raiders of the Lost Ark when the Nazis opened the Ark and Indy had to look away.  I was scared that I was witnessing something that needed to stay unwitnessed.

We're going off the rails on a crazy train.

So I was riding the train today and I have to say that I could only categorize today as strange. It started with the fact that I view what could only be said as an abundance of mentally ill people. So much so that it seemed that there was a convention in town or something. I'm not sure how that many mentally ill people were all riding the same train and bus. I will elaborate further in the rest of my tale.

When I got of the train I saw an Amazon fresh of the plane from Themyscira. I assume she was because she towered over me (I'm thumping every one of you that made a short joke in the throat when I see you) and her ass was massive. So massive that it had its own gravity well and I was being drawn towards it (I know because I usually fall behind (!) instead of into behind when I'm walking from the train). I know she felt the eye radiation from me looking at it all the way to the other side of the underpass bridge.

Anyway, I got on the bus and it was like One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest (The CTA version). This one lady looked like the character "Crazy Eyes" from the TV show Orange Is the New Black and she kept glancing at me and mumbling something under her breath. Did I just get chosen? Well If I did I already have experience with crazy girlfriends so I probably wouldn't notice much difference. Suddenly this young girl sat across from me and all I could smell was "fat girl fingers." What are FGFs, you ask? Well the scent can only be described as saliva, Jolly Ranchers, Now & Later Candy, Flaming Hot Cheetos, tears and secret shame all mixed together. It's very potent. I tried to look out the window to take my mind off the FGFs and I saw what could only be described as a skinny black kid with a Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation 1814 hat on and a a cape and shorts on. Ok, that's not going to help me out here. Back to the bus. This one lady got so fed up with "Crazy Eyes" that she moved next to FGFs and you could see the immediate relief on her face. Ahhhhhhhhh!!!

Oh, I almost forgot about my trip this morning. I witnessed two odd things which I could only say was a guy with an orange safety vest pushing a baby stroller with a large purple duffle bag in it and a homeless pimp. (I've got video of the baby stroller if you want to meet me somewhere where we can laugh out loud. See elsewhere in this post for a pic of the pimp.) otherwise I would say it was a normal day!

It's hard out here for a pimp...

Back to the present...

So I was riding the train and I noticed this girl was pigeon toed. I'd never seen that before. It was almost like finding a Sasquatch or Yeti or some other legendary creature. She was about 5 foot even and "That Asssss" but her toes pointed inward. She might have been my future wife but I was too distracted by her feet! A shame.

Speaking of Sasquatch feet, I saw this other girl when I got to the bus who was very attractive until I got to her feet. Her feet looked as though she has been up to Alaska putting out that forest wildfire barefoot and did the D Lo shuffle all the way back to Chicago wearing hard soled men's church shoes that pinch. I sort of have a thing for feet and I can't see how a lady would let her feet get abused like that. Is there a DCFS for toes? Can the Government take her feet away for abuse? I know people without legs that take better care of their feet!

This.

Anyway, while I was contemplating women with better feet, this guy gets on with a baby stroller. Awwwwwww. Fatherhoodlum! He was complaining that it was hot (which it was) but he had on one of those bubble vets like Michael J. Fox had on in Back to the Future Trilogy but his was leather (!), a full head of dreads and sweatpants. I almost called the police because he was obviously trying to commit suicide by sweating to death but I didn't intervene. Just as I was about to congratulate his efforts at being a father he looked at this old man and asked him to give up his seat so he could put the stroller in the wheelchair spot. I didn't know how I felt about that because the old man looked as though he fought for the North in the Civil War and should have stayed in his seat, in my opinion. The CTA employee that was behind the guy looked on in disbelief! I was even more shocked when the other old guy in the next row of wheelchair seats gave him his seat so he could sit by the stroller (which is a requirement when riding with a stroller on the bus). Wow. I'm not sure how I felt about any of that.

This but with dreads and the vest is made of leather and the tears of third world children.

Well, after that I noticed a young lady who seemed strikingly attractive. I say seemed because when you are looking at people on the bus you have to do it in glances otherwise you may get punched in the face. I kept glancing at her until I got an entire picture of her face and I noticed that her top lip was fat like T.I.'s wife, Tiny. Oh my. I had not realized that there were other citizens of "Fat-lippia" here in the United States. As I was watching her top lip continue to swell, a guy walked passed her and she made the "ugh" face. Oh no, please don't do that, sweetheart. You need to smile for the rest of your life.

The Nays have it

So I was riding the bus home and this time I was the spectacle. Well, maybe that is a bit harsh but let me explain. As I sit on the train I begin to notice that it is truly Springtime in the greater Chicagoland area. You know this by the fact that it is stretchy-pants season and all the bootycheeks have come out to play. I look around and see a nice selection of young ladies. The selection on the bus was better with the exception of this one "bitter bitch" that just had this look on her face like she was not enjoying life at that moment. If you were drinking whiskey at that very moment she would have turned it into a whiskey sour just by her look. Dang! You make lemons pucker!

Anyway, I see this well spoken, conservatively dressed young lady board the bus.I didn't talk to her directly but I can tell you the entire conversation we had through looks. It went like this:

Me: You are a very attractive young lady.

Her: I rebuke your advances, sir.

Me: I just wanted to tell you how pretty you are.

Her: I come from a society where compliments are against the law, sir.

Me: You look and sound very sweet.

Her: I'm diabetic, sir.

Me: I don't mean any harm.

Her: I carry a rape whistle and pepper spray, sir.

Me: Well, you enjoy your day and thank you for making mine better.

Her: Get thee behind me, sir.

So she leaves and I scan the bus for more eye candy. I see other women that I did not notice before and I'm like "they're ok but..." Then this one lady gets up and.oh, my (as I place my pinky finger up to the corner of my mouth). That ass!!! Suddenly, this guy sitting across from me chuckles as if he heard the exclamation burst forth from my brain. Excuse me, sir, but stay out of my brain while I'm being perverted.

I believe the children are our future...

So I'm riding the bus and I can't keep my eyes open. I keep nodding off and every time I wake up I see something weird. Well, maybe it was weird to me because I didn't see it when it got on the bus. Anyway, this last time I wake up to a head full of dreads, That's not unusual in Chicago, you say? Normally I would agree but these dreads were the same color as Ronald McDonald's hair. Why would any human being dye their hair shock red? Then I put two and two together. Ronald's been slumming in the hood for years now and that must have been one of his bastard kids.

The evidence...

...Just keeps..

..getting more clear.

Communication is the key

So I was on my way to the train today and I see this lady doing what seemed like sign language. What is unusual about that? Nothing really if she was speaking to someone but it seemed as though she was signing to herself AND cussing to boot. Can you have Tourette's Syndrome if you can't speak? I don't know but it sure seemed as though she was signing some serious shit.

Anyway, I get on the bus later on and this lady asks me if the bus goes to Halsted St. I answer in the affirmative and then she proceeds to have a conversation with an invisible person. After she confirmed the directions she then proceeded to play musical seats by moving forward to the front of the bus a few seats at a time. What was crazy about it was that I'm not sure if she asked the question for herself or the invisible person because SHE got off the bus long before Halsted. I wonder, do you still have to pay a fare if you are invisible?

A good listener

So I was riding the bus today and I thought I was going to be late. Let me explain why. You see, there are three drivers you might see on that 4 a.m. bus. Whenever the lady bus driver is on duty you might be late. Not saying that women drivers are slow or anything but SHE is. What is crazy is that she is only slow by about 1-3 minutes but those are crucial to the train timetable and means the difference between you walking and running.

Anyway, I barely made it in time but that meant that I would have to get to the closest car. When I hopped on the train it was like the sleeping car on an Amtrak train. People laid out all over the place. I overheard what sounded like a conversation that was quickly degenerating into a possible argument The one guy is saying that he could not get i a word edgewise whereas the man he accused of hogging the conversation was actually trying to say something that the first guy would not let him finish. Go figure.

On the way back I took an alternate route so that I wouldn't have to be bothered by people. It worked all the way to 79th street. I'm sitting at the bus stop and this random lady sits down next to me and starts talking about how she lost her money orders and that she was on the way to getting the replaced. Before I could tell her that I didn't give a rat's tattooed ass she thanks me for being a good listener. Way to go, lady. Now I feel bad. When the bus pulls up I hop on and immediately go to the back so I wouldn't have to hear more of the story for the rest of the ride. When I get to the back I notice that this bus is musty. I can endure it!Suddenly, a guy comes to the back and sits down. What the holy hell is that new smell? Hey, mister? Why does it smell like you have been tap dancing in dog turds? Man, I really need a car.

The Dating Train! Dah dah dah dah.....dah...dah dah dah

So I was riding the train the other day and this young lady keep looking at me. I kept glancing back to see if she was watching me watch her watching me. She asks me if this side is going south. I say yes rather quickly. She keeps looking at me as if she wants to say something else. Do I have a booger hanging out? Is my face breaking out? Is there chicken McNuggets and Sweet and Sour sauce in my beard? She finally gets the courage to ask me how long before the train gets there. Hmmm. I read the train timetable on my way down to the platform and she was slightly ahead of me. Did she not see it? Wait....is she flirting with me? Nah. I tell her that the train is due in about 4 minutes. "Oh, OK." So I continue eating my nuggets. I was going to offer her some but she was a very, VERY healthy girl and I didn't know if she would take offense. "What? Just because I'm fat you think I eat all the time?" That is a fight I don't want to have so I keep to myself. It's not as if she was ugly or anything. She was very pretty. She looked like a big girl version of Regina Hall. I like Regina Hall. Anyway, she looked very young and I'm an old fart so I brush it off. Every time I glance at her she is looking at me and then glances away very quickly. Do I look like one of those guys on the cop shows or the wanted posters? Maybe she IS flirting with me. I don't know for sure but she just looks too young for that to be the case. Wait. It is like damn near midnight and she is on the train. Maybe she is full grown and just LOOKS young. I know a lot of women you would swear were teenagers who are actually mothers of teenagers. By the time I figure out that I could have asked her out I find myself typing this statement. D'oh!

The smell of success

So I was riding the bus on my way to the train station. I was a bit discombobulated because I had not slept very much the previous night. The lady bus driver on my route was late as usual by about a minute. You may say that is not much and call me "anal" or "picky" but those minutes add up when you are trying to catch the connecting train. Luckily the train was late as well. My issues for the day did not start until I boarded the train. Why does this train smell like onions? Wait. It's worse than that. It smells like an onion, smothered in onions with and onion sauce made from caramelized onions with a side of onion rings and a glass of onion juice with a scallion in it. OMG! Can I withstand this all the way to 55th St? I look around to see if I can guess who is wearing "Ode de Onion" cologne but by the time I nearly figured it out the smell distracted me long enough to make it to my stop.

Back from the Future or Nah Nah Nah gonna have a good time

So I was coming home on the bus from the Westside (WWEEEESSTTTSSIIIIIIIIIIIIIDEE! Ahem!) and I get all the way to 79th and the Dan Ryan without incident. In fact I thought it was going to be a boring trip. The bus gets to the stop and I'm ready to board because it was windy as hell and trying to rain on me. This guy gets up and is ready to step onto the sidewalk (for my friends down South we have these things called "Sidewalks" that....well we will get into that some other time) but he suddenly stopped. He was standing in the doorway pondering his next move. Dude. Dude? DUDE! I'm standing here like an extra in the movie "Noah" and you are pondering the meaning of existence. What...the...flying....FUCK, DUDE?!?! He finally settles on a course of action and sits down. That's when I noticed it. This guy had a time machine and was from the future! What?! I hear you out there. You doubt my sincerity. I feel you. Let me give you the evidence and you can judge for yourself. The guy had a huge afro and was dressed like Rudy from the Cosby kids cartoon, complete with the hat.

This guy

Why would that make him a time-traveler from the future? It's obvious! He was from the future and he dressed the way he thought we dressed but missed it by a few decades and when he saw that we were different he got confused. He was like "Oh, Shit! I missed it by 40 years! I better not get off here until I can figure out where I ended up."

The situation is escalated

So i was riding the train today. Nothing much happened on the train but when I got off I walked to the escalator. I was following a young lady that was very pretty. So pretty that I wanted to ask her for her number. You know it's hard for me to find women near my height that don't have a gaggle of kids. Hey, pretty lady. I want to ask you a few questions. Why is she walking so fast? WTH?! Hard....to....keep up. Skip it. She gets away from me and I notice another lady who apparently thought that wearing slippers on the train was a good idea. Really? On the train? I don't know about you lady but you may want to burn those when you get home.

Anyway, as I get overtaken once again I step onto the escalator and I turn to see who is behind me. An older lady has an empty fold up shopping cart and she tries to wheel it onto the escalator. She quickly find out that the wheel base is wider than the side rails and it slips out of her hand. She panics and turns to retrieve her cart. She takes two steps and reaches for it. The escalator is moving so it is just out of her reach. She takes two more steps and reaches. She repeats this process a few more times until she realizes that she will never catch up to her cart. EVER! Finally she turns and rides all the way up then she walks down the stairs to dislodge her cart. I thought I was watching a Benny Hill marathon for a minute. What is really jacked up is if she is going to the store she will be fucked when she tries to get a FULL cart up the escalator.

Warm weather flatulence

So I was on the bus this morning and this lady was asleep. Well, I think she was asleep but I couldn't tell (she was slumped over and her head was at an extreme angle). I wasn't sure if she was just asleep or she was unconscious. I was afraid to wake her because she seemed very tired. Plus I couldn't tell if she was just on her way someplace or she was homeless. A lot of homeless people use the busses and trains as shelter when the weather is cold so it's hard to tell (the Red and Blue lines are like flop houses during the night since they are the only lines that run overnight).Other than that the ride was normal for a change.

Anyway, on my way back the ride was still normal for the most part. I say this because I seemed to be aware of things that I would not notice any other day. For instance, the number of women with large hands. They seemed to be all around me kind of like that that skit on Seinfeld where the lady had "man hands." I wonder what that would do for a man's self esteem if his women was ham-fisted. Also there seemed to be a variety of strange smells on the CTA today. Like when I got on the train this lady smelled of weed. Now, let me explain how Chicago weed smells for my friends down South. You know how it smells in the Summertime when the skunks are in heat? That is what the weed smells like in Chicago AND THEY LOVE THAT SHIT!! I don't know how they figure they can smoke that shit and not tip off their bosses to the fact they are high. Next I'm on the bus and I smell a poot. Wait....did this lady in front of me just poot in my face? What the hell lady?!?! I don't know you like that!! I know it was a poot because it was silent and not as bad as a fart. Plus, most ladies poot rather than fart. I know it had to be her because it hit my face as she was bent over to sit down AND she had a large ass (I imagine that women with big asses poot more than skinny chicks but I don't have any hard data on that). If I ever try to get a doctorates maybe I can do my research on that.

Wide load and a load of crap

So I was riding the bus today and I was in a hurry.  I was trying to catch a showtime to see "Captain America: The Winter Soldier" and I was cutting it close.  I think the bus stopped at EVERY FRIGGIN' STOP.  The closer I got to the Dan Ryan train the more anxious I became.  I then noticed a guy who was talking very loud about church stuff but he was just saying it to the ether because no one was having a conversation with him.  Suddenly another guy responded and they had a lovely conversation until the other guy was distracted by a pair of females he knew.  That is when I noticed that a bunch of people were clogging the front of the bus.  There were plenty of seats so there was no reason to be up front.  The main offender was another CTA employee talking to the driver.  It was like they only signed up with the CTTA to find other people with good jobs that wanted to hook up for dates.  It would not have been so bad if the lady didn't have such massive hips and ass blocking the way on and off the bus.  Her ass was so big (how big was it?) the Fire Marshall slapped a ticket on it for a fire hazard warning.

The funny thing is that the big girl that was blocking the front is actually in front of the big girl you see there.

Anyway once I got to the train station I went to the end of the platform so that I could meet my buddy on the last car.  As I passed the last set of benches I noticed something strange.  Some one had pooped in the cover bench area and used a child's glove to wipe his or her ass.  It was very messy and made me want to puke.  I would have taken a pic to show you but I felt it was in poor taste.  When I told my friend about it he said I should have just to prove that I see messed up things on the train.  No, thank you, but if you want to see it for yourself it may still be at 79th and the Dan Ryan train stop, if that is your sort of thing.

Accordions and fries

So I was riding the train back from Dialysis and it was raining so various people had umbrellas. However upon exiting the train on 79th I was nearly skewered twice by people not watching where they were going. It was like I was a stuntman on the set of "A Knight's Tale." It's was almost a gauntlet trying to get to the bus. Then once I got off the escalator I see not one but two busses. Oh, crap. I'm going to have to run again. I was praying that the driver saw us (a young lady was running beside me) and a car driver saw that we were trying to catch the bus and took pity on us. Once we got across the street it was a different story. The first bus was stuck while a rider was trying to fix his tote that toppled in the door(he had a couple of totes that he probably used to sell stuff).The bus in the rear was blocked by the first bus and the ass of the bus was nearly in oncoming traffic. We must have sat for 10 minutes before the driver decided to take a risk and BACK UP on the 79th and the Dan Ryan expressway overpass. Wait, what? This is an extended bus! It's what we affectionately refer to as an accordion bus. All I could think of was how hurt I was about to be when this sucker jackknifes and a semi rips the back end of the bus off as it plows into us. Of course that didn't happen but it sounded dramatic, didn't it?

Anyway once we were on our way I felt as though the person behind me was staring at my fries. I had stopped at Checker's (Rally's to you West Coast people) and got a few sandwiches and a an order of fries. You know how you feel as though someone's eyes are burning into the back of your head? Add that to a side order of fries. Dude! No you can't have any of my fries. I don't know where your hands have been! Then a guy gets on the bus and I forget all about the guy behind me. This dude is carrying a 26" flat screen TV newly purchased from Walmart. You could see where the box was starting to get soaked from the rain. Who does that? Clearly this man has NO friends because no one in their right mind walks around with new electronics in the rain if the can help it. He should have called a cab but I had the feeling he spent his last on the TV and the minor stuff in the other bag. I hope he lets it dry out before he plugs it in.

Anyway a lady got on the bus. From where I sat she looked to be around 30-ish and attractive. Well, let's just say my vision has been off a bit lately because as she came closer she seemed to age to 50-ish and looked like a crackhead. Well just to be fair I don't want to assume she was a crackhead but she was crackhead adjacent. NOw I see how guys end up with ugly chicks they take home from the bar.

Gotham City in the 1800's

So I'm riding the bus this morning and everything seems normal and uneventful. That is how the morning bus ride usually happens right up until the bus gets to Halsted Street. This time a couple gets on the bus or at least that is what it seemed until the guy paid his fare. He turns to the girl and he says "you're fucked up" (slang for "I got mine but I don't know what YOU are going to do) and goes to the back of the bus. Apparently he thought he could get away from her by boarding the bus but she pulled out a bus pass and quickly swiped it (it didn't have any money on it and that is why she swiped it so fast so that the reader couldn't get a good scan and the driver let her on anyway much to the dismay of the guy.) They start to argue immediately. When the guy saw that he couldn't use the bus as sanctuary he tries to get off at the very next stop and she is hot on his heels. From what I could tell he just did not want the confrontation and she was not having any of it. She was lucky that he was not a violent person because he was getting ramped up. (Cue Michael Jackson's "Leave Me Alone." Cue the dancers and the chimp! Action!)

Anyway, on my way home I sit behind this random dude. This guy is wearing what could only be described as a black leather, hip hop styled oversized hat with a Batman logo on it. In keeping with the theme, he had a brown leather western style duster, also with Batman logo on the back (Frank Miller era Batman logos for both) and, to complete the ensemble, a pair of pale green leather boots. I really wanted to ask HipHop Western Batman where he purchased his outfit (I didn't know Bruce Wayne had his own line of clothes) but before I could the bus was disrupted by the 79th street comedy showcase. Some guy just started telling jokes and rambling off at the mouth stating "if your side hurts you owe me a 'square'" (for those of you unfamiliar with Chicago slang a "square" is a cigarette, most likely a Newport because that is the only brand that cheap Black people smoke.) According to his random banter he is a Grandfather, he believes that if you are a female 18 and up you are fair game and he is the funniest man on this bus. He also believes that God told him that his destiny is to tell jokes. He was macking very hard to every female in the front of the bus one by one. When one would get off the bus he would move to the next one. This one poor girl ended up being the last one on the bus and he was pestering her with the tenacity of a trial lawyer. He was like "let me get your Facebook name" and she was like "I don't use Facebook!" Then he was like "my baby mama's number is 312-508...." and she was like "I don't want your phone number" (he was giving her that number because "his phone didn't work and you could reach him on his baby mama's phone." He then got off the bus, still mumbling to himself all the way down the street. There was a Walgreens on the corner so I hope he was going to get his prescription for his meds.

Doo or doo not. There is no try.

So I was riding the train today but before I get to that I want to address the fact that the CTA made me run today. How, you ask? Well the thing is that since the Red Line had been rebuilt/refurbished they have been running 8 cars. Prior to this they ran 4 cars early mornings, late nights and weekends. I had gotten used to the new 8 car policy but today, after running late in the first damn place, the train shows up with 4 cars. Why was that a problem? Because I was at the other damned end of the damned platform. If I wanted to be a runner I wouldn't be riding the bus!

Anyway, before I end up on the paralympics team, my next point of discussion is the person that pooped themselves on the train. Now no human on this planet is a stranger to pooping themselves but I would hazard to say that it was confined to when they were infants. When I made it to the train I was overwhelmed with the aromatic remnants of what smelled to be the freshest of daily poop. A lot of poop. I must assume that it was fresh because the car had a few people on it and they were too busy looking at each other wondering who had just farted. They were slowly realizing that it was not a fart they were experiencing but pure, 100% grade "A" doo doo. The bad part about that was the offending booty hole was between them and the door of the next car. It took one stop before everyone on that car ran out for fresh air and a new car. (I left immediately. I kept walking through the car to the next. Too bad the new passengers did not know.)

Why am I looking at this dude's ass?

So I was trying to catch the train after Dialysis and I decided to get some Checker's before I get on the train. I figured I had enough time so I was not in a hurry. When I got to the station I enter right behind this dude and.....Hold up....The "dude" pulled up "his" pants and the tell tale ass of a female popped out. That's not a dude! I was so busy looking at "dudette's " ass that I didn't notice the guy walking with the cane in front of her. Suddenly the whole trip slows down to a crawl. "Niagara Falls! Slowly I turn. Step by step. Inch by inch." We get to the stairs and it slows to a crawl. There seems to be enough room to pass "Slow Daddy Kane" but I guess the girl didn't want to pass him out of respect. Had I known that the train was at the platform I would have pushed them both down the stairs (I'm kidding, of course. Or am I?). Anyway, when we got the the platform I saw the train and started to run. I KNOW that broad saw me running but the train took off anyway. Grrrrrr!!! (I can't believe this broad made me run for nothing!)

Well, I walk down the platform and wait for the next train which PROMPTLY zooms past me. Express. Fucking Express. You mothersuckers! I'm pissed now. I look down the platform to see if I can see the guy with the cane so I can kick it out from underneath him. With MY luck he would probably fall on me and then the train would pull up and I would miss THAT one, too. Then the next train pulls up. I get on that one and ride to my stop. When I get off I go to the bus stop and a TWO buses pull right up as if by design. That meant had I caught that first train I would have been on the bus stop all that time, freezing my ass off. "Slow Daddy Kane" actually saved me a long ass wait for a bus. OK. I forgive you.

Does this bus ride make me look young?

So I'm about to hop on the bus for a short run to Subway and there is this female standing at the bus stop. I try not to glance her way because females in Chicago always think someone is trying to pick them up and I don't want any trouble. Next thing I know she clears her throat. If it was a dude I would have thought he was trying to get my attention but once again I don't want any misunderstanding so I ignore her. Just before the bus gets to our stop she asks me how much is the fare. To be exact she asks if the fare is a dollar. I tell her that I have a pass and that I believe it to be $2.25 but I admit that the $1 fare may be for students only. She smiles and says "Then I'm a student today" and hops on the bus and pays $1. The driver did not bat an eye. Now I know that these hard living kids today all look like slutty, alcoholic drugged out adults but this lady looked to be easily in her 30's and nothing like a High schooler to me. I admit that I could have been off by a decade or two but you can pretty much tell who is young by the time of day, the way they're dressed and how loud they become. I call shenanigans.

A lady in public...

So I was riding the bus the other day coming back from Dialysis. I was standing in the front of the bus with my stuff on the wheel well because the bus was fairly packed. There was this older lady trying to hurry for the bus but you could tell that running for anything was a long time ago for her. When she made it to the bus I noticed that she had a permanent crick in her neck. Hell, I thought that she was looking at the bus at first trying to get the attention of the bus driver. Be that as it may, she didn't have the luxury of turning her head properly and thus could not see where she was trying to sit. All of a sudden she dropped it like it was hot right on another lady and sat in her lap. Now I realize that she could not see her at all but I find it hard to believe that her judgement was off by that much because she missed the ENTIRE seat. What I noticed next may be the pervert in me but it seemed as though the lady that was in the seat cupped her ass as if she was used to getting large amounts of ass in her lap. She didn't even blink as she politely moved the older lady's ass from her lap to the seat next to her. What tripped me out about the whole thing was that the younger lady was talking on her phone but did not miss a syllable as she dealt with the ass. Wait. Did she reach for a dollar in her pocket? Did she just pat her on the ass? I must be seeing things.

Old hoes and old clothes

So I'm about to get on the bus but I stop to get some food at Wendy's ® and this guy is in the dining room trying to get his maco on with some of the employees. He starts talking about the preceding nights activities where he was playing some type of drinking game. Apparently the loser is the person with the high card and has to take as many shots as the number on the card. (He got a 10.)

Anyway after I silently congratulate him on his alcohol poisoning I leave to catch the train. This large woman was ahead of me and I was trying to pass her but she was a little too fast for me. I get to the platform and almost missed the train. The conductor took pity on me and let me board. As I'm catching my breath I notice an older lady that has what I assume was a short dress on underneath her long coat (her knees were showing and I could not even see where the dress started). Dang, Grandma! Don't you know that it's winter out here? As old as she is you would think that she would be a bit more modest. I speculate that she was a bit slutty when she was younger. What do you call an old slut? We used to call them "hoochie mamas" so would she be a "Grandhoochie?" Or maybe a "GrandT.H.O.T.?"

Anyway once I get on the bus I notice this guy is wearing some old style boots. They look like those old "Dingo" boots that O.J. Simpson endorsed back in the 70's. I didn't even know they still sold those. He was wearing Dickies and a POW jacket with his mouth covered by a mask. If I were looking to profile someone he would have been on the top of my sketchy list.

O.J.'s legacy lives on.

Those boots were not made for walkin'....

So I'm about to get on the bus this morning and I'm waiting for the 79th St bus. When the bus gets to the stop the first thing I see is a female tumbling to the front of the bus. I don't know how far she rolled but I do know she stopped at the front of the bus. I thought she might have been an older lady but when my eyes focused after she stopped rolling I saw that she was fairly young. Was she disabled? Did she have a fake leg? Did she have water in her ear from the shower? No. She was high. Specifically, she said she was "wasted." To be fair she said she was "SSOOOOOOO WWAAAAAAASSSSTEEEEEDDDDDDD!!!!" She said this over and over again. Now as entertaining as she was when she flipped her ass end over end when the bus first arrived I had to endure her putting lip gloss on as if she was tripping on acid and her tucking her pants into her boots (she had fat ankles). You would think that she would have been a bit more stable on those ankles but I think the boots were too tall for her condition.

There is no point in it

So I was riding the bus on my way home and I'm talking on the phone to my good buddy DJ Greedy Brisco. We were shooting the shit and this guy enters the car from the preceding car and begins to berate all women in general saying that all women are bitches very loudly. I interrupted him and said that I was on the phone and told him how loud he was. He looked at me as if he was going to get belligerent but then calmed down and spoke a bit softer. Now, let me explain the situation here in Chicago. At some point in our storied past someone decided to close the Mental Health facilities to save money and put all of the mentally challenged people on the streets. They may have given them all bus passes because it seems as though they all ended up on the public transportation system. This guy looked as though he was one of those individuals. When he started up again he pointed at this lady and said that she was a bitch. At that point a young lady sitting across from her asked who he was talking to because that lady was her mother. He said he wasn't talking about the lady and that he was pointing past her. She said that he pointed at her mother and said he better not be referring to hr mother. At that point he stated that it was "his mothrefucking finger and he can point it where he pleases." I don't remember that being in the Bill of Rights.

Bummed

So I rode the bus yesterday and I must say that it was, by far, the worst ride I ever had. First,I forgot my damned glasses and was walking around impaired. Second, I missed the first bus by about 2 minutes. Once I got to the bus stop and boarded everything seemed ok until we started taking on more passengers.

When riding there is always someone that boards that cannot pay their fare. They always have a story, too. This guy's story was that he had to get to the hospital to see his sister AND it was his birthday. He asked the whole bus for money to accomplish this task. (I gave him a dollar.) I figured that this was divinely sanctioned and once he had his money things would settle down.

Next, ANOTHER bum (disclaimer: I know that term is not politically correct in this day and age but for the sake of this narrative and lack of a better term the use of the word "bum" will have to suffice) demanded the first one (birthday bum) give him (thug bum) $5. Birthday bum refused and Thug bum threatened to beat him up. It was very tense on the bus at which point Birthday bum said with purpose "you better not!" I guess they don't teach shit talking in bum school. Thug bum pulled out what looked like a small pistol and waved it around. None of the passengers could identify the object but if the Police had been involved Thug bum would have gotten shot over whatever he had in his hand. When we got to Halsted Thug bum got off shouting obscenities.

While all that was happening, a young couple had boarded. They were sitting behind me and were in a muted argument. The boy was holding the girl's phone hostage because he thought she was cheating on him and was going through the phone. She was threatening him with Police involvement is he didn't give her the phone. She even asked the bus driver to call the police but the driver didn't feel that the situation called for it. He threatened to beat her up if she continued to make a scene. I tried to tell the boy that if the police did get involved that, due to recent crimes involving phones, he was endangering himself. He threatened to punch me. Oh, well. Enjoy your chosen career of domestic violence, institutionalism, butt rape and possible death.

I got to the train and who is there? The young couple is standing on the platform. I wanted so desperately to tell the young girl to leave him and that she was in danger. "Please don't have any kids with this boy," I thought to myself. I went and stood under the heater. She came and stood next to me. I suppose that was my chance but he soon stood in the general area. My recent stay in the hospital was the only reason I didn't speak on it. I would not have survived an assault from this obviously violent young boy (I refuse to call him a young man because he has no characteristics of any manhood.) I wish the girl luck and protection. I hope she survives the relationship.

Good Lookin' Bill

So I'm riding the bus and I don't see any familiar faces. Within 10 seconds I'm already pissed because this one guy is talking to himself. Now when I say "talking to himself" I don't mean in the way that a regular person might but this guy was like Gollum from "The Lord of the Rings." It was like there were two people talking. He had a normal voice which was named Bill and then there was this really high pitched voice who didn't give his name. Now Bill's full title was "Good Lookin' Bill, never worked and never will." Man, I wished I had my headphones.