Get up off me!!

So I was riding the bus and minding my own business, which i like to do when riding the bus, and I noticed that this couple was on the bus talking very loud. Now, when I say loud I mean extremely loud because I could hear them over my headphones. I was getting angry because I wanted to enjoy Loverboy's "Working For The Weekend" and they didn't seem to care. How dare they!! I wasn't interrupting you guys when you were getting drunk or high or whatever got you to that point so why did you have to be rude to me and my tunes?

Anyway, I tried to drown out the Loud Speaker Gang with even more tunes when suddenly this guy sits next to me. Now, if you are like me you would prefer to sit alone (unless it is a pretty girl) so, needless to say, I was a bit perturbed. When his man-purse almost touched my leg I wanted to snap. Who said I wanted you to sit next to me? To be fair, there was a chair between us because we were on the sideways bench but that is besides the point. Then it hit me. What the holy hordes of Hoggarth does this guy have on? Whatever the scent was, he was drenched in it. Now, I will attempt my very best to describe this "fragrance." It smelled like microwaved pissy diapers soaked in tomato sauce and topped in parmesan cheese with a side of garlic butter toast. UGH!! I wanted to throw up. Dude!! I kept thinking to myself that there was only a few more blocks before I get to the train. and I can get away from that stench. This is why when I decide to get a new cologne I take a female with me so that she can pick it out. He must not have any friends otherwise he would not have picked that scent.

When we got close to the train I got up, ready to bolt for the station. When he didn't get up I thought I might be able to lose him. I got off a full stop ahead just to get away from him and it was a good thing I did because the train had just pulled up. I started fast walking to get to the train and when I jumped on who follows right behind me but Eau de Pamper Piss. Dammit!! I started to go to the next car but he sat on the opposite end of the car. Whew!

So, on my way to the house, I decide to take the scenic route but the 79th street bus was super crowded. When I finally get a seat, this fluffy girl decides to sit next to me. The was ok but every time someone slid past her she would lean way into me. I mean WAY into me. She was damn near on top of me a few times. Now, if you know, me you know I'm a huge fan of personal space. Ooff! Dang, big girl, get off me! it got to the point where I wasn't sure if we were having sex or not. Ooff! Dang!! At least by me dinner first! Ooff! Ugh!! I'm getting a cramp in my leg. OOOOOoooofff!! If she keeps this up I am going to have to change my relationship status!

Cirque de CTA

So I was riding the train and minding my own business. When I decide to mind my own business I'm usually successful at it but THIS day was different. THIS day I was on the train with my headphones on, listening to music and oblivious to the world until these kids got on the train. From what I could tell there were four of them. The girl that was the oldest didn't look as though she was old enough to have these kids on public transportation by herself so I assumed there was a parent somewhere on the train. The next oldest was busy teasing the youngest who just wanted to listen to the girl's headphones. The next in line thought he was a gymnast and kept swinging from the hand holds like he was trying out for the next Olympic team. Every time he swung near me I wanted to punch him in his gut to make him fall. Nothing serious, just a quick jab in the solar plexus, timed just right so that he cannot identify who punched him until I'm off the train. Don't get me wrong, I wanted them to know I did it but I didn't want to have to fight the parent. No kid should have to see their parent(s) get their ass(es) whopped.

At this point I wanted one of them to step on my foot. Nothing crushing but just enough so that I could punt one of them to the other end of the car. Apparently, these kids were small ninjas who were adept in the art of playing at full steam but not bumping into adults. When I finally got to my stop I noticed the mother. She had an even younger kid with her and this look on her face that was pure hatred. I could not tell if it was for the kids, the man/men that impregnated her. or the world in general. Just was just hateful. the embodiment of a life full of hate. I assumed she looked like this all the time because none of the kids seemed to bothered by their mother having that look. I wondered how she managed to get pregnant so many times with that look on her face. She must like the lights off when she does it. Either that or she has really good cootie cat, so much so that her mating partner can ignore that fucking scowl on her face.

Young Lesbians in lust

So I was riding the subway coming from the movies. As I often find myself, I was deep in thought as a result of the movie I just saw. The station was seemingly empty but people were steadily streaming into it. I noticed a bit of a crowd gathering to one side. I wondered what was attracting people to that side. Being the nosy bastard that I am I moseyed over to see what was happening. Hmm. Just a couple of lesbians undressing each other about to get freaky in public. Wait. What?! Rewind. A couple of lesbians. Clothes coming off. Are those Victoria's not so secret Secrets? Hmm. A matching bra and panty set. Why is she laying down on the nasty platform?

Now don't get me wrong. I try to honor the fact that some women like women only but a titty in public is still a titty in public and I don't know about you but I like me some titties! If you pull out some titties I'm going to see me some damn titties. And, by the looks of it, I was about to see some titties, ass and maybe a bush or two. Then, suddenly the train pulls up ON TIME! WTF?!?! Clothes slide back on and the ladies get on the train. Damn you, on time ass fucking ass train!