So I was riding the bus and this dude sat next to this girl on some ole flirty tip. I couldn't really see what was going on because they were sitting directly behind me. Now, I'm not trying to judge his mack game because Lord knows I have absolutely no game but even I could tell that he was used the Chickenheads and T.H.O.T.'s who have no self esteem. Can you say "super easy?" Again, no judgement (but they are like the first two levels of Candy Crush.)
Anyway, he starts out asking from where he knew her. In fact, I think it would better serve this spectacle if I present a play by play of the event.
Dude: Don't I know you.
Girl: Maybe.
Dude: Didn't I see you at Adrianna's Nightclub?
Girl: Yeah, probably.
(Editor's note: You could have said this location for any young Black Girl between the ages of 17- 29 and you would have gotten a positive response.)
Dude: Yeah, yeah. I remember you. Don't I have your number in my phone? What's your name.
Girl: (insert fake name here)
Dude: Yeah, I know you you hung out with us. We were in a green van with sounds in it out in Harvey. What's your number again?
Girl: Harvey? You got the wring girl. I don't hang out like that and my phone is off.
Dude: What's it start with? I want to see if I have your number in my phone.
Girl: 312...
(Editor's note: It is extremely rare that a person would have a cellphone number that starts with this area code these days. If you have one it is a legacy number you probably ported over from a landline and you lived North of Cermack Rd.)
Dude: What's the next number?
Girl: If you had my number it should have popped up with the first three numbers.
Dude: Yeah, Yeah. Where you headed now?
Girl: To my Grandma's House out West.
Dude: Where out West?
Girl: On Kedzie, in the 80's
(Editor's note: We were riding on a 79th street bus that was going to Western Ave. (2400 West). Kedzie (3200 West) is a full mile from Western and she, if her story was true, should have been on the Ford City bus that was ahead of us.)
Dude: So why don't you take my number down?
Girl: My phone is off.
Dude: You can borrow someone else's phone and call me.
Girl: How would I do that? I live with my guy.
Dude: You can call me when you are out and about.
Girl: I don't go anywhere.
Dude: You going somewhere today. You can call me today.
Girl: With what phone?
Dude: Just borrow someone's phone.
Me: **light chuckle and small head shake**
Dude: Well, this my stop. It was nice seeing you again.
Girl: : **No response**
At this point I can finally see what dude looked like. I would have to say that he was the typical light skinned Black kid aged 19-23, 6'1" with dreads and his ass cheeks hanging out, as is the custom these days. You know, the usual suspect look in Chicago. I guess the girl didn't like that look. As I got up for my stop I had a chance to glance at her. As hard as dude was trying to get up with her I half expected Halle Berry circa Boomerang orMonster's Ball sexy freak Halle. I guess she could tell I was disappointed by the look on my face because she was staring directly into mine. I'm not saying she was ugly or anything but I don't know if she was worth the tremendous effort dude put out for her. Then again, he was no (insert pretty faced, light skinned celebrity dude's name here).
Friday, April 8, 2016
Saturday, April 2, 2016
The Coughing Man
This is a bus story.
So I was riding on the bus and I was minding my own business. You may find that fact hard to believe due to my many stories concerning the shenanigans and tomfoolery I witness on a regular basis but I just wanted to get home this day. I was riding a bus line I usually don't ride but I wanted to go to the grocery store because I wanted to eat something that was not submerged in grease this day.
Well, as we went along our merry way we stop at this major street. Some guy hails the bus but he does not board. We sit there for a moment while some very drunk guy stumbles across the street while this good Samaritan helps him get home. Kudos to that guy and if I had a cookie I would have given him half of it but I would have kept the half with the most chocolate chips. So this drunk guy stumbles onto the bus and he decides to sit.....BEHIND ME! Mothersucker! Maybe he will be a quiet drunk. Maybe he can hold his liquor. Maybe he was drunk from fruity wine coolers that smell delicious. One can only hope.
So I'm sitting there wondering what I will have to endure with this guy and then....**cough!** I can feel the hairs on the back of my neck move. Dammit! Now the older I get the more I realize that I am neither immortal nor invulnerable. I am very aware that I'm just a guy that can get sick from someone else's cooties. Cooties are bad, m'kay? Now I have this potential cootie farm sitting behind me coughing every 10 seconds and I'm freaking out. I'm not a hypochondriac but I can't help but think this guy is Typhoid Larry and I'm catching all sorts of disease and misery. My mind is going wild with every cough. Here's how it seemed to me:
**cough**
I don't feel well....
**cough**
I have the sniffles...
**cough**
I have a cold....
**cough**
I have the flu...
**cough**
I have cholera
**cough**
West nile...
**cough**
Ebola...
By now I'm freaking out and I can't wait to GET OFF THIS BUS!! I felt as though I was sitting in front of the Horseman, Pestilence! Suddenly it's my stop! I hop up to get off the bus with a complete feeling of relief until I realize that .....this...is...his...stop...toooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!! Dammit!!
So I was riding on the bus and I was minding my own business. You may find that fact hard to believe due to my many stories concerning the shenanigans and tomfoolery I witness on a regular basis but I just wanted to get home this day. I was riding a bus line I usually don't ride but I wanted to go to the grocery store because I wanted to eat something that was not submerged in grease this day.
Well, as we went along our merry way we stop at this major street. Some guy hails the bus but he does not board. We sit there for a moment while some very drunk guy stumbles across the street while this good Samaritan helps him get home. Kudos to that guy and if I had a cookie I would have given him half of it but I would have kept the half with the most chocolate chips. So this drunk guy stumbles onto the bus and he decides to sit.....BEHIND ME! Mothersucker! Maybe he will be a quiet drunk. Maybe he can hold his liquor. Maybe he was drunk from fruity wine coolers that smell delicious. One can only hope.
So I'm sitting there wondering what I will have to endure with this guy and then....**cough!** I can feel the hairs on the back of my neck move. Dammit! Now the older I get the more I realize that I am neither immortal nor invulnerable. I am very aware that I'm just a guy that can get sick from someone else's cooties. Cooties are bad, m'kay? Now I have this potential cootie farm sitting behind me coughing every 10 seconds and I'm freaking out. I'm not a hypochondriac but I can't help but think this guy is Typhoid Larry and I'm catching all sorts of disease and misery. My mind is going wild with every cough. Here's how it seemed to me:
**cough**
I don't feel well....
**cough**
I have the sniffles...
**cough**
I have a cold....
**cough**
I have the flu...
**cough**
I have cholera
**cough**
West nile...
**cough**
Ebola...
By now I'm freaking out and I can't wait to GET OFF THIS BUS!! I felt as though I was sitting in front of the Horseman, Pestilence! Suddenly it's my stop! I hop up to get off the bus with a complete feeling of relief until I realize that .....this...is...his...stop...toooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!! Dammit!!
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