Perverted thoughts and soft things....

Question: How many buses have to pass you up before you get mad and say "fuck this shit!?"  2?  3?  How about you miss the first one then 4 more pass you up?  Yup, that's what happened to me today.

So I'm finally sitting on the bus and this rather large hipped/buttocksed woman sits next to me.  It never fails that large people sit next to me on the bus.  Maybe they don't notice that I'm not a fly weight myself.  Anyway, I'm like "dang lady, you could put your purse on your lap (to myself.  She was kind of out of my weight class.)"  I look over and what I thought was a purse was her very supple hips rubbing up against my entire thigh.  They were soooooooo soft!  Is it bad that it kind of aroused me?  **perverted thoughts on the bus**

On my way back I'm carrying a neck pillow that I got free from the Dialysis clinic.  While it was in use there was no problem that it was Hot Pink.  The problem seemed to arise after I left the clinic.  It's really hard to look tough with a Hot pink neck pillow in your hand.  It's even harder to look tough as you fondle the pillow because you like the way it feels.  Every young girl that looked at me seemed to want to say something about me being on the bus with that pillow.  I had to catch myself several times as I stroked the pillow.  I looked like a straight up pervert.  All I needed was a bag of candy and a trench coat.  **Sigh**  Maybe my next vehicle should NOT be a van....

Don't buy liquor on the bus....

So this adventure starts with me trying new things. Well maybe not new things but a different route to get to the West side. I figure "today id the perfect day to try a new route." So I go west on 79th. This is fairly no issue except for the beggars that hover around the CVS store and I happen to need to stop to get something to eat. I forget to eat sometimes so I eat on the run throughout the day. Today I run into the one person who actually wants to be employee of the month and tries to get all friendly with all the customers. You are not my type and I have a bus to catch so shut up and take my money. I thought I was going to miss the bus but I make it just in time.I make it to the Orange line and everything is running smoothly. I see this Japanese hipster nerd with a bookbag on. He looks so interesting that I want to ask him questions just to see if he speaks in an English accent and smokes hipster cigarettes. I get a hold of myself and carry on with my quest. Next a white guy with a military buzz cut get on the train. He is talking to himself and he has some sort of nervous leg condition that is making him tap dance by accident. I know what you are saying: "Tap dance by himself? That is ridiculous!" I thought so too until I heard a rhythm coming from his feet. He sounded like "Happy Feet."




<Tappity tappity tap tap> <Tappity tappity tap tap> <Tappity tappity Tappity tappity Tappity tappity Tappity tappity Tappity tappity Tappity tappity Tappity tappity Tappity tappity tap>




Now being a former Military man and given his appearance I figure him for PTSD so I cut him major slack but he was making me nervous so I watched him until I got off the train. I transfer to a train that I've never taken before and the first thing I notice is how crowded it is. A Lesbian couple hops BACK on the train because the stud chick lost her wallet. (Side note: I like lesbians! That has nothing to do with the story. I just wanted to share that.) The conductor announces to be wary of pickpockets which sets the entire train on edge. Now EVERYONE is a suspect and we are all giving each other the stink eye. Man this ride sucks. Fortunately for me I only have a few stops. I get off and instantly lose my way. At least I'm off that powderkeg. I get to the surface and find my bearings and wait for the bus.






Now I figure that the rest of the ride will be smooth and uneventful. It was until this guy tried out his old Mack?pimp powers on this young lady. He went on and on about this performer that he was working with. I remember the guy's name vividly but I refuse to give him free publicity so I will not mention him here. When the young chick didn't buy into his BS she got off the bus and went on with her life. Then that old guy starts talking about how he used toe be a limo driver for some semi famous guy and how this performer is going to blow up. Then, out of the blue, he pulls out a giant bottle of Svedka that he claimed was worth $40-50 and he only wanted $20 for it. (It was probably a bottle of water that they use for display.) Besides him trying to sell this big, dumb ass bottle and trying to get someone to Youtube his project I had just about enough of this guy. He kept claiming that his act had won "Chicago Idol" twice. First, how do you win a talent show twice? Aren't there rules about you joining twice? Second, WTF is "Chicago Idol?" Sounds sketchy to me.

I need a car...

The following post was made on one of my other blogs and is probably the first time I had something to say about having to ride public transportation.  (Everything in parentheses is something I added in my reblog)

So I'm on the train and I'm minding my own business. This guy gets on the train.  He's about 320 and has his S-curl pulled back into a ponytail.   You know the type.  He starts singing like he is the lost  Isley Brother.  (Where are my headphones?)  So I'm giving him the stink eye for fucking up my calm (he's ignoring me because he knows he is just that good) and another guy gets on the train and starts going nuts talking to himself like a Looney Tune exploded in his head just at that very moment (No. Really. This guy is like Roger Rabbit crazy and no one framed him.) To top off my day I end up at my destination and I'm standing in line for checkout.  There is a couple behind me that apparently like the smell of my soap and want me to smell their's.  The guy is speaking VERY loudly in my ear in what I believe to be the Cantonese dialect and is very pleased with himself and the joke he just told. (I don't think the joke translated well.)  I wanted to punch him in the throat for standing so closely to me but his girlfriend looked as though she may have been tough. (I know all Chinese people don't know martial arts but she looked very fit.)  I had too many bags for a spontaneous Kung Fu fight.  I need a car.

The New Math...

So I'm watching the news and they are interviewing passengers of the new shuttle that replaced the trains during construction.  One lady said she was extremely grateful that the shuttles will be free and that it will save her $300 a month in travel expenses.  Really?  I know I'm a bit rusty when it comes to my math skills but the cost of a 30 day pass is $100 dollars.  This gives you unlimited rides for a full 30 days.  I know the cost of riding can skyrocket if you are paying daily but if you know that you have to ride that often then why not just buy the pass?  I know of people that buy the 7 day passes every week and never think of how much money they can save getting the 30 day.  These are the same people that swear that they will never use math in the real world.

The Chinese art of lethal food and becoming a hardened criminal...

So....I go to Dialysis today and when I leave I see a guy laid out in the doorway of a Chinese food place and he's not moving. I think the guy may be dead. A nurse from one of the clinics walks by and pretty much steps over him. One of the guards asks if she will assist the guy. She says "my shift is over" and continues to walk away. The paramedics come and put the guy in the back of their truck but they leave with no siren. I overhear a couple talking and they said "let's not go to that restaurant. They killin' motherfuckers up in there." After that I walk to the train station and a Young Mennonite girl hands me a free Gospel CD. Does she know she's in the heart of "the 'hood?" I get on the train and I start crossing between cars. I can't get to the last two cars because a Cop has locked the door and is talking to some young kids. I motion to cross and he says "you can't cross between cars." I wait until the train gets to a station and I skip his car and continue to the last car. The cop follows and pulls me off the train on 69th to give me a ticket. (Now I'm a thug.) I then find a guy's ID from a Wrigley Field Restaurant and decide to return it. I ride all the way to Wrigley and witness a White lady refuse a seat next to a Black guy (the train was full). Just another day on the CTA.


P.S. A few days later I get a call from the guy whose ID I found. He was very grateful and wanted to take me out to dinner. Is this guy hitting on me? "No thanks, dude. It was my good deed of the month."

Really?!

So, today I thought it was going to be the first day I didn't have anything to say about my bus ride.  I even thought that on the way here.  That is until I witnessed what I believe to be one of the most ignorant things I've ever seen.  First I get on the bus to go to the new shuttle bus that replaced the train during construction.  MMmmmm, it smells like new bus.  It's clean, not crowded and it was there waiting for me.  Good start.  We leave in a decent time with no problems to report.  The expressway is crowded but the traffic is moving right along.  So I'm sitting there, contemplating the Universe and the Mostaccioli I'm going to eat once I get back and then I hear this:  "Blleeeaaaaarrrrrrgggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "BUUUZZZZZZZ!!!!!" WTF?!  This chick is in the back tossing major cookies and leaning up against the rear door, which is making the alarm sound.  We slow down and her boyfriend PULLS THE EMERGENCY DOOR handle and SHE GETS OFF on the Mother fucking EXPRESSWAY!!  The bus comes to a complete halt as the driver is crapping his pants in horror!  The bus was not going fast enough for her to fall but he is like "I'm on the expressway with passengers in the road!"  I don't know what made her think that this was a good idea (considering that she already threw up on the bus).

Rain, rain go away...

So I'm about to ride the bus and my phone goes off like one of those "Emergency Broadcast System" alerts that they have on TV. I'm like WTF? After it stops I check the message and it's the "Emergency Broadcast System" telling me that the area I'm in will experience flooding and I should GTFO of there. So I get on the bus and then the rains start. Then some lady gets on with a shitload of people and she is cussing out just about everyone on the bus up until a really big lightning bolt hits and then shes ON THE FLOOR OF THE BUS saying she wants her daddy (this lady is like in her 50's). So I get to my stop and the bus that i need it get on is pulling off. Damn, Damn, DAMN! In a short span of time, FOUR buses pass by all saying "Not In Service" with the last one being driven by someone dressed as the Gorton's Fisherman.  I wait at the restaurant for the rain to subside and there are two old drunks talking like they are about to re-enact the gang fight dance scene from the "Beat It" video. I have to go before I get shanked! By the time I get to the house the complete front of my shirt is soaked and it looks like I'm at Spring Break in a wet t-shirt contest (the rain was very cold).

Open letter to a fat guy on the bus...

Dear Extremely Biggie Smalls,

Just because you are too big to squeeze by the lady with the curvaceous bodacious booty without rubbing your peety weety against her buttocks does not mean I want to wait until she gets off the bus so I can sit down. YOu were not being a gentleman. You were being fat.

Sincerely, 

Not as fat as you.

Defying physics...

Why do fat people always want to sit next to me on the bus? Can't you see that I'm fat, too? Our combined girth with not fit into that seat! You fat fucks!

How often do you ride?

When I get on the bus I have my bus pass ready in hand.  It is a quick and painless process...unless there is a female in front of me. Now don't get me wrong because I love women.  If I was a woman I'd be a lesbian.  That is how much I'm into women.  BUT....if you know you are about to get on the bus please have your pass or money ready and do not hold up the entire line so YOU can look into your purse and find it.  Thank you and rant over.

Public Transportation in the big city

A good friend of mine recently said that I should write about all the things I post on Facebook about my daily rides on the bus.  Well, here goes nothing.

When I was a kid riding the bus was something that Black people, long before we were "African Americans"  in the modern world of the present age, did not take for granted.  It was just a few years prior that many of my relatives, including my own father, had to do with caution.  These days people not only take public transportation for granted but they give the bus riders and drivers a hard time with their shenanigans.  This blog will feature things I've witnessed as a passenger on the Chicago Transit Authority.