I axed you not to do that

So I was riding the train and my stop was next. Up until this point the ride was not eventful. In fact it was quite boring. Just as I prepared to disembark, this lady comes through the car mad as hell. She was having an argument and it was really heated. She was making an issue and she wanted to illustrate the point by trying to break a liquor bottle on the floor of the train but , for some reason, it bounced. That seemed to make her angrier! She got to the end of the car and she, inexplicably, found ANOTHER bottle to throw. She flung it at the floor and THAT bottle bounced as well. Now I don't know if that was a testament of her weak arm or the rubberized floor of the new trains. The truly sad thing about it was she was arguing with an invisible person who, apparently, worked as an invisible police officer (that's why she was mad because she thought the invisible person was a narc) for the ICPD (Invisible Chicago Police Department). I think the invisicop was trying to detain her.

On my way home I'm sitting on the train a few seats from a seemingly attractive young lady. This guy boards and immediately focuses on her. He is smitten! He must pursue her so he makes his play!

"Hey how are you?"

No response.

He gestures for her to remove her headphones.

"I can hear you."

"I just wanted to tell you that you are very attractive."

"Thank you."

"I was wondering if..."

"No."

"You don't know what I was going to ask."

"Well, ok. What were you going to ask?"

"Well, I was wondering if you wanted to...."

"No. Thanks for asking. This is my stop. Have a good day." She escapes. Now maybe it was just me but the fact that he looked like an urban version of Grizzly Adams' Black cousin no one talks about but shows up at the family reunion anyway seemed to be a factor in her not allowing him to woo her with his charms. Poor guy but she got off the train like he was an axe murderer that just got through sharpening his favorite axe.

Tough Guy Blues

So I was trying to catch the bus this morning and it seemed that I was always just 30 seconds too late. What is 30 seconds to you? Well, to me it's the difference between getting someplace on time and getting there an hour late.

Let me frame this for you:
(Me walking) ***walk walk walk*** ***walk walk walk*** ***VROOOOOMM*** SHIT!!


(Me walking to my back up route) ***walk walk walk*** ***walk walk walk*** ***VROOOOOMM*** DAMMIT!!

(Me crossing the street to my alternate back up) ***walk*** ***bus pulls up*** "I'm only going to 74th." ASSHOLE!

When a bus pulls up that I can board I walk into THIS fiasco:

"Man, get on the bus!"

"I'm trying to make sure shit's not going down over there!"

"Whatever, man. Just get on the bus so I can pull off."

"Man, FUCK you! I'm trying to make sure I don't get shot!"

"You won't get shot if you get on the damn bus!!"

"Man shut up and drive the bus you pussy!"

"Watch your mouth, dude! This ain't what you want!"

"Man, FUCK YOU, you cocksucking bitch! I'm a gangster! You ain't done SHIT! THIS ain't what you want here!! I'm a FELON!! YOU drive a bus!! THAT'S how I know you ain't shit! I can't get no job with the city!"

"Man, this is MY area! You ain't shit! You don't know me, dude!"

"Fuck you, bitch! Call up your guys! We can go right here! Pull over and we can handle this! I got KILLERS on speed dial!!"

"Man, you don't know me, dude! This is not what you think!"

"Fuck you, you cocksucker! I'm a felon! You wouldn't last a day in the County! What do you know about Division 9! Not a damn thing!!'

Now, mind you, the bus drivers is steady driving while he is arguing and this guy is walking back and forth. Red Line the guy talking all that shit gets off and blends in to the crowd and I could have sworn that the bus driver wished him a nice day. I'm just glad I was going to my treatment so I could get rid of all that extra Testosterone I absorbed on the way.

So, as I am standing on the platform, this guy comes up and stand next to me. I notice that he keeps looking back at me. Every time I look up he seems to be closer than he was a moment ago. Dude. I look up and this guy is stand so friggin' close to me. At the last moment he leans over and asks how much my oils cost. You had to work yourself up that much just to ask that question? I tell him the answer and he steps off because the amount was higher than he wanted to spend. Man, I'm glad that's all he wanted.

Smoking shoes

So I'm sitting at 47th and the Dan Ryan waiting on the bus. I see this chick and I'm looking at her like "she's awfully barrel chested.". I see a dude walk up with a bullet proof vest on and then I realize that she has a vest, too. Ok, they are cops that ride the trains looking for ne'er do wells. They walk up to this lady that was smoking a cigarette while she waited for her bus. They pulled her to the side and issued her a ticket for smoking on CTA property. A guy tried to badmouth the cops to me looking for solidarity. I immediately endorsed the cops and the ticket. He walked away. Personally, I can't stand people that smoke at bus stops. They always disregard the rights of others to get their fix. Fuck 'em!

Anyway, I board the bus and we are on our way. This guy notices this older guy's shoes. (He had on brown shoes with beige spats!) The guy was so impressed with the older guy's shoes that he offered to buy them off his feet! Of course the older guy refused the offer. I don't know about you guys but I was a teenager during the 80s and that is what you would hear just before you got your head busted and you had to walk home barefoot.

Agent 47, route 79

So I'm riding the bus and everything is going just fine. The sun is shining and it's a beautiful day. Suddenly I hear this girl in the back. She is on her phone and, from the sound of the conversation, she is talking to an ex boyfriend. She is quite livid and it seems as if she is over the relationship and has been for a while now. I will attempt to replicate the conversation but I wasn't listening that hard.

Girl: "Why are you calling me?"

Dude: Lame excuse given in an attempt to see if he can still get some sex.


Girl: "What's that got to do with me? We are not together anymore so why should I care?"

Dude: Continued lameness. Proclamation of virility along with expression of attributes through testosterone fueled bravado.

Girl: "Well you are just like all the rest of them lame niggas. You got dreads and tats and you walk around looking just like all the rest of them lame ass niggas so you ain't about shit and you ain't trying to be shit."

Dude: Third level of lame. Threat of current girl leveled at former girl.

Girl: "Well that is stuff little girls do and I'm a motherfucking lady! Send that little bitch around and see her get fucked up. I don't play with bitches!"

Dude: More threats of violence.

Girl: "Don't get that little girl fucked up. All I gotta do is make a call and her baby becomes an orphan. I don't play. As a matter of fact since that's what you are on don't ever call me again. I'm ignoring your ass when you do call."

I wanted to look back to see the girl but I didn't want to end up on that hit list. I still have shit to do.

conflict resolution

So I was riding the bus and these kids were having an argument on the back of the bus. I was on the ass end of the conversation so I don't know what the subject was. I don't know when the argument started but by the next stop one of the boys got off the bus and yell through the door "All the things you want to do I did when I was younger!" Really, little dude? You are all of 9 years old. You must haved learned those life lessons when you took that sabbatical and hitchhiked to Tibet to meet the man on top of the mountain after you did your Veterinarians without Borders tour in the Serengeti whilst taking care of three-legged giraffes with neck sprains that were born without spots. I guess you will go to NASA after you finish grade school, huh?

Anyway, as I get on the next bus I allowed a lady and her three kids to board ahead of me. She stops immediately and asks the driver if she could ride without paying because she was only going a few stops. Ok, lady. You've got kids and you don't want to walk. That is fine but now you are in my way. I pause and look at her in my" I want to go that way an you are in the way" face. She looked at me and said like she was waiting for me to get by and I said, "I can't get by you." Mind you, I had my oil bandoleros on and my backpack, plus she weighed like 300+ AND her kid was in the way. Fact is: Her 300 and my 220 could not exist in the same space. It was against some universal law of mass and we may have started some chain reaction that could have ended up involving earthquakes, tsunamis and an asteroid or two. Whatever the case, I didn't want to risk it. She looked at me like I called her fat and said, angrily, "YOU CAN GET BY!" Then she realized her kid was in the way and she snatched him out of the way and said, "Move, (insert generic south side black kid name here), before I have to cuss someone out on this bus. Whatever, lady. Just move your big, roadblock ass out of my way and keep it tucked so people can get by.

I love you, Bus Lady!

So I was on my way to the train and this guy was in my blind spot. No, I was not driving, but when you are a fat guy you have blind spots. Anyway, I got mad because I let this guy sneak up on me. I wasn't too worried because he was way too light in the ass to do me any harm but I could have been sucker punched and robbed! I have to pay better attention.

Anyway, I get to the train and this guy stops me to ask about my oils. I tell him the price and then he asks me if they last long. I tell him that they do but then I start to get the feeling that he was only passing the time until the train arrived. If I was just there to entertain him I would have charged a fee and told a joke. Speaking of jokes, What is Bruce Lee's favorite beverage? Waaaataaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

1Moving on. When I get to the bus I see this bus lady driver get on as well. I'm instantly smitten! I look for her CTA badge and she is not wearing it. Dammit! She is on the phone so I can't get her attention. Look at meeeeeeeeeee!!!!!! I want to snatch her phone and throw it out of the door so I can talk to her. Bus Lady, if you see this and you remember that you were riding bus number 1571 going west on the 79th street route around 11:20ish, I want to marry you! That or we can go out sometime, but only when my check comes because I can't afford you right now.

Death takes a nap

So I was boarding the bus and this family was ahead of me. The little boy was being pushy behind a random lady. His mother told him to not push his way on and wanted him to mind his surroundings, saying that it was Mother's Day. He immediately asked if it was ok to push the Fathers instead. I wanted to punch him in the throat.

Anyway, when we got to the train station I decided I wanted to ride for a while and boarded the train. I noticed a rather large man sleeping with several bags. He was sound asleep but I noticed he had on a pair of brass knuckles. I took a picture of him because I didn't think you would believe me. The picture is not a good one because I didn't want to wake him and get punched dead. I kind of like living.

Death taking a nap

As I sat down I started playing Candy Crush Saga and I noticed a really cute lady with several bags. She got off the bus with me and I wanted to ask if she needed help with her bags as it seemed that she was struggling with them. The attraction quickly faded when I noticed that as she was walking up and down the aisle she would stop at a seat that she wanted then she would spin around three times but would move on to another seat. She did this like three times before she settled on a seat. Hmmm. Either she has a compulsive disorder or she was a cat in a previous life. Either way the attraction quickly died. What's in those bags, lady? Where is my squirt bottle full of water when I need it?

When I got to 79th street, there was this guy that kept touching the garbage can. Why is this guy fondling the garbage can? Immediately, I start getting squeamish about touching anything this guy touched. Is this guy getting on before me? Argh!! He is going to touch everything I want to touch and I am going to Hepatitis E(bola)! OMG, I'm starting to itch. I was so glad when his bus pass said he had no money on it and he had to get off the bus that I wanted to shout! Get your germy ass off my bus!!

Garbage cans...

...and the men who love them.

A not-so-bus story.

So I was riding on the bus and I had a mission! The mission was to get my prescription, pick up a fruit tray, rent Interstellar Movie from Redbox and pick up a pizza from Pizza Hut. The trick was that I had 1 hour and 15 minutes to do it. I ran out of the house (I'm lying. I didn't even walk fast.) and hopped the bus. I got to the Dan Ryan Expressway at 10 pm. I decided to jump route 75 (Lakefront) at the terminal. That took me straight to Walgreens on 75th and State.

As I got to the door, a group of kids decided that they need both doors to exit. Fuck you kids! I was here first! I dropped shoulder and almost took out two of them. Fuck you, again! I went straight to the back. I overtook a lady with an humidifier she was about to purchase. Fuck you, lady! You are too slow! I made it to the counter about 7 steps ahead or her. HA!! No line! Then the lady behind the counter gave me the meds and told me my cost. Wait. What? That's about 3 times what it should be. Oh, I see. I don't need those meds. I need that damned patch! I have to wait 20 minutes? Fuck you , lady! Yeah I'll wait. 6 minutes later my stuff is ready! What? You are not logged in to ring my purchase? Fuck you, dude! Yeah, I'll wait. I got my meds and I head towards the front. If the line is long I'll have to forego the fruit. 25 people in line. Fuck you, fruit! I head out and stop at the Redbox. Yes! It has Interstellar but not Horrible Bosses 2. Fuck you, Redbox! Wait. You say the other one has both? Thank you, Redbox!

I run across the street (I'm lying. I walked with a purpose.) and decided to take the 75 again. Right on time! That takes me to 79th and the Pizza Hut. I disembark but this little girl is trying to board before the passengers can get off the bus. I don't know how the get on where YOU are from , little girl, but Fuck YOU! I drop shoulder and almost knock her onto the freeway. I walk to the pIzza hut and the lady was giving me the side eye stating that she was "closed."

"I'm here to pick up my order."

"Oh, ok, because we are closed."

"Fuck you, lady! Gimme my shit!"

"That will be $15.28."

"Here you go."

"Thank you!"

"Fuck you, very much!"

I run out of the Pizza Hut at top speed (I'm lying. I ran a little bit.) because my bus was right on time! I hop the bus and sit down. All of a sudden everyone is giving me that "let me get a slice" face. I give them all the "fuck you" face and continue to ride to my stop. I get home at about 11:30 pm. Man, I need a car!

Who was that masked man?

So, I was about to board the bus and I was dressed in my bus ninja outfit. I get on the bus and scan my card. As I go to sit down the driver calls me back to the front. What do you want, lady? Apparently, she felt threatened by my half face mask and requested that I talk it off before I take my seat. WTF, Lady? I know she saw my paratransit riding permit. I know they know EXACTLY who I am and where I travel. I was the ONLY passenger on the bus AND I was outnumbered, two to one by her and the other driver that was busy chatting her up. This same lady had nerve enough to try to be cordial as I left the bus. Sorry, lady. I can't talk because I'm putting my mask back on.

Anyway, I get to the subway and I see this guy smoking by the tracks, right next to the No Smoking sign. To make it worse, he was singing to himself, as if he was mentally unstable, so no one had the stones to tell him the extinguish the cigarette. Where is a transit cop when you need one? I gave him the nastiest of side eye's but he just ignored me and continued to sing his crazyland song. You selfish bastard.

I walked to the opposite end of the platform to get away from the smoke and to get to the last car. Once the train pulls up, I board. There were open seats but none with a one seat buffer. Most people don't want to sit next to other people unless you know them and if it's two guys then they usually sit with a seat between them anyway. (It's a Guy Code thing but I'm not allowed to speak of it here.) I chose to stand for the trip. Suddenly, this guy comes to the car, saying, rather loudly, "DVD's $2, 3 for $5!" He kept saying it and clearly on one was interested. He kept trying to make eye contact with me. Dude. Go somewhere. Just because I'm essentially wearing the same outfit does not mean I'm in the same Union. Dude! In between yelling out his price list and trying to make eye contact, he was staring at this one young lady. Man, this dude is creeping ME out. Why are you all up in her business? In my mind I dubbed him "Creepy Dan, the Stalker Man." Then I realized why no one was willing to purchase his ill gotten loot. He had an embroidered picture of a knife on the front of his hat. Really, dude? I don't know about you but I don't think they handed those out at the DVD warehouse. Ok, Mr. Stabby McStabberton, you can leave now!

Once I get to the connecting bus I get to my seat and this giant ass hat decides to stand in the pathway of the rear exit. He has headphone's on and is rapping to himself, or at least I believe it was a rap. I'm not quite sure because the lyrics, and I'm paraphrasing here, involved sexual intercourse so rough that it threatened to dislodge the woman's vagina. The reason I assume that it was a song was because he kept repeating the lyric as if it was the chorus. It's probably his Grandmother's favorite song. We get to the viaduct and there was an accident. Someone decided to challenge the pylon and lost. Instead of everyone offering some sort of prayer for the well being of the driver, they were cussing out the bus driver for stopping. Come on, people, You guys act as though she staged the accident just to make you late.

37 seconds

So I was on my way to the bus stop and just before I could get there I saw the bus leave. I missed the bus by 37 seconds. 37 seconds. 37. 3 motherfucking 7. You may feel that it wasn't much and shouldn't effect my day but let me elaborate on how this minor amount of time made the rest of my day late. I decided to take my alternate route and started walking to Ashland Ave., making sure that I watched the street so that I didn't miss the next bus. When I got to the bus stop there is no bus in sight. I decide to walk to the bus shelter so that I can at least get out of the wind, which is building by now. Just then a bus GOING BACK IN THE DIRECTION FROM WHICH I WALKED pulls up to the bus stop. Time to go to my ALTERNATE alternate route. Once I got to Western Ave. I see there is a bus waiting so I figure I'm good to go. 15 minutes later I check the bus time frame and is says "delayed." DELAYED? I've never seen that in my life. How can the bus be delayed when I'm looking right at it? Is the driver asleep? Is he letting it warm up? Anyway, he finally pulls up and now I'm concerned because the buses run every half hour that early in the morning and I don't want to miss my connecting bus.

At this point, he is driving at a good pace and I'm no longer worried. Suddenly, I see a hand wave and hear someone yell outside the bus as we pass a large snow bank. The bus comes to a screeching halt and this 5'3" dude dressed from head to toe in all black hops on the bus. First off, how the hell did the bus driver hear him, much less see him? Second, I didn't know that the local Ninja temp service had a shift that early. Hurry up and get on the damn bus, Naruto!

We make it to Garfield Blvd. with time to spare. Long story, short. I make it to treatment an hour late but managed to get on the machine at my normal time. I could have slept longer.

Selfish people ride for half price.

So I was riding the bus and this lady gets on with one of those smart phones. She is playing an Isley Brothers song without her headphones. Now most of the time it is usually a young dude of the thug persuasion playing the latest hot garbage off YouTube .com and practicing his rapping skills. Let's take a break and discuss that for a moment: How is it that these chuckleheads think that the ENTIRE bus wants to hear not only their favorite song on the crappiest, super tiny speakers in the world but also hear them mumble and stumble through the lyrics? I've never once called Ticketmaster and requested an arrival time for 50 cent's bus route so what makes this guy think I want to hear it on the bus? Anyway, I quickly realize that, no matter what song is playing, I really don't want to hear it on a mouse's version of concert speakers.

This gets me thinking about other types of selfish behavior on the bus like people that stand in front of the rear door. It's always someone that is larger than the average human that stands in that small area making it hard for someone to disembark. Plus, they impair my view of the bus. Then you have the people that sit on the inside row seat with a bag or package taking up the window seat. If you ask to sit in the "empty" seat they give you the nasty look as you have to slide by them (they never get up to allow you to sit). Then there is the guy that sits with his legs open super wide as if he has the largest set of testicles in the continental 48 states. Dude, you balls are not that big and if they are you should be on the way to the doctor's office in an ambulance and not on the bus. This type of guy also sits slumped down so that his knees jut out into the aisle so a person can't get by without difficulty. Are you the toll gate attendant?

And while we are talking about sitting on the bus I have a question. I have to preface this with a fact: I am not a small person. I have the girth of a much taller person so I take up most of my seat and some of the next one. With this in mind, why is it that every fat person in the world thinks it's ok to sit next to another fat person? I've never understood that. I try to find a skinny person when I'm looking for a seat so that we can both sit in relative comfort. Almost every time the bus starts to fill up some big, giant dude or some female with the biggest hips and ass in the world decides that the seat next to me is the best option for their large glutes. Smashing good times!

Why you Mother.....

So I was riding the bus and we stopped at Halsted street to take on passengers. A wheelchair passenger gets on and three people on the left side all moved. Now I found this to be strange because there was only one person on the right side. I was giving the guy on the right the evil eye because he displaced three people because he did not want to move. YOU bastard! He had this look like "I care not for thine disdain and thou shalt brandish thine look elsewhere! Now begone, my rotund friend!" Before I could return an equally disrespectful scowl, this pregnant girl got on with a stroller. Since the CTA allows this it was not a big thing and the people in the front usually move to allow then to put the stroller where the wheelchair would be located. Since the guy in the front didn't move for the wheelchair, the whole bus gave him the sick face so he could move. He was like "I didn't want to sit there anyway" and moved. Then an older guy in front moved as well. Why did that guy move? Then another girl with a stroller boarded. Then a third girl with a stroller got on. What the hell? The problem with the strollers have always been that the mothers are supposed to take the kid out and fold it up so that other people can get on the bus. They never do this and if you tell them about it you usually get cussed out by the mother. Normally I wouldn't care about that but people tend to frown upon dudes cussing out new mothers.

The seeds of discontent

So I was riding the train and this dude gets on the train with two bags. The first bag is a regular bag but is this dude carrying a Pizza Hut Warming bag? Clearly, he is not carrying pizzas unless those were the lumpiest pizzas in the world. As I decided to mind my own business, he breaks out a bag of Sunflower Seeds. UGH!! It's not that I hate sunflower seeds but I DO hate how they are consumed in the Black community. If you have not witnessed this process let me describe it to you. Pour, Insert into mouth hole, chew, spit out shell, repeat. Oh did I not mentions that the shells are being discarded onto the TRAIN FLOOR? Disgusting! The offending person usually leaves a pile of seeds at his or her feet. The only thing I hate worse than that is when people smoke on the bus stop.

Anyway, by the time I get to the bus I just want to be at home. As I near my stop this old guy starts singing Smokey Robinson songs on the bus. Now I'm all for freedom of expression and all but not when it infringes on MY freedom of riding the bus unmolested. STFU!!! The really sad thing is he was a pretty good singer even though he was past his prime about five teeth ago.