Gotham City in the 1800's

So I'm riding the bus this morning and everything seems normal and uneventful. That is how the morning bus ride usually happens right up until the bus gets to Halsted Street. This time a couple gets on the bus or at least that is what it seemed until the guy paid his fare. He turns to the girl and he says "you're fucked up" (slang for "I got mine but I don't know what YOU are going to do) and goes to the back of the bus. Apparently he thought he could get away from her by boarding the bus but she pulled out a bus pass and quickly swiped it (it didn't have any money on it and that is why she swiped it so fast so that the reader couldn't get a good scan and the driver let her on anyway much to the dismay of the guy.) They start to argue immediately. When the guy saw that he couldn't use the bus as sanctuary he tries to get off at the very next stop and she is hot on his heels. From what I could tell he just did not want the confrontation and she was not having any of it. She was lucky that he was not a violent person because he was getting ramped up. (Cue Michael Jackson's "Leave Me Alone." Cue the dancers and the chimp! Action!)

Anyway, on my way home I sit behind this random dude. This guy is wearing what could only be described as a black leather, hip hop styled oversized hat with a Batman logo on it. In keeping with the theme, he had a brown leather western style duster, also with Batman logo on the back (Frank Miller era Batman logos for both) and, to complete the ensemble, a pair of pale green leather boots. I really wanted to ask HipHop Western Batman where he purchased his outfit (I didn't know Bruce Wayne had his own line of clothes) but before I could the bus was disrupted by the 79th street comedy showcase. Some guy just started telling jokes and rambling off at the mouth stating "if your side hurts you owe me a 'square'" (for those of you unfamiliar with Chicago slang a "square" is a cigarette, most likely a Newport because that is the only brand that cheap Black people smoke.) According to his random banter he is a Grandfather, he believes that if you are a female 18 and up you are fair game and he is the funniest man on this bus. He also believes that God told him that his destiny is to tell jokes. He was macking very hard to every female in the front of the bus one by one. When one would get off the bus he would move to the next one. This one poor girl ended up being the last one on the bus and he was pestering her with the tenacity of a trial lawyer. He was like "let me get your Facebook name" and she was like "I don't use Facebook!" Then he was like "my baby mama's number is 312-508...." and she was like "I don't want your phone number" (he was giving her that number because "his phone didn't work and you could reach him on his baby mama's phone." He then got off the bus, still mumbling to himself all the way down the street. There was a Walgreens on the corner so I hope he was going to get his prescription for his meds.

Doo or doo not. There is no try.

So I was riding the train today but before I get to that I want to address the fact that the CTA made me run today. How, you ask? Well the thing is that since the Red Line had been rebuilt/refurbished they have been running 8 cars. Prior to this they ran 4 cars early mornings, late nights and weekends. I had gotten used to the new 8 car policy but today, after running late in the first damn place, the train shows up with 4 cars. Why was that a problem? Because I was at the other damned end of the damned platform. If I wanted to be a runner I wouldn't be riding the bus!

Anyway, before I end up on the paralympics team, my next point of discussion is the person that pooped themselves on the train. Now no human on this planet is a stranger to pooping themselves but I would hazard to say that it was confined to when they were infants. When I made it to the train I was overwhelmed with the aromatic remnants of what smelled to be the freshest of daily poop. A lot of poop. I must assume that it was fresh because the car had a few people on it and they were too busy looking at each other wondering who had just farted. They were slowly realizing that it was not a fart they were experiencing but pure, 100% grade "A" doo doo. The bad part about that was the offending booty hole was between them and the door of the next car. It took one stop before everyone on that car ran out for fresh air and a new car. (I left immediately. I kept walking through the car to the next. Too bad the new passengers did not know.)

Why am I looking at this dude's ass?

So I was trying to catch the train after Dialysis and I decided to get some Checker's before I get on the train. I figured I had enough time so I was not in a hurry. When I got to the station I enter right behind this dude and.....Hold up....The "dude" pulled up "his" pants and the tell tale ass of a female popped out. That's not a dude! I was so busy looking at "dudette's " ass that I didn't notice the guy walking with the cane in front of her. Suddenly the whole trip slows down to a crawl. "Niagara Falls! Slowly I turn. Step by step. Inch by inch." We get to the stairs and it slows to a crawl. There seems to be enough room to pass "Slow Daddy Kane" but I guess the girl didn't want to pass him out of respect. Had I known that the train was at the platform I would have pushed them both down the stairs (I'm kidding, of course. Or am I?). Anyway, when we got the the platform I saw the train and started to run. I KNOW that broad saw me running but the train took off anyway. Grrrrrr!!! (I can't believe this broad made me run for nothing!)

Well, I walk down the platform and wait for the next train which PROMPTLY zooms past me. Express. Fucking Express. You mothersuckers! I'm pissed now. I look down the platform to see if I can see the guy with the cane so I can kick it out from underneath him. With MY luck he would probably fall on me and then the train would pull up and I would miss THAT one, too. Then the next train pulls up. I get on that one and ride to my stop. When I get off I go to the bus stop and a TWO buses pull right up as if by design. That meant had I caught that first train I would have been on the bus stop all that time, freezing my ass off. "Slow Daddy Kane" actually saved me a long ass wait for a bus. OK. I forgive you.

Does this bus ride make me look young?

So I'm about to hop on the bus for a short run to Subway and there is this female standing at the bus stop. I try not to glance her way because females in Chicago always think someone is trying to pick them up and I don't want any trouble. Next thing I know she clears her throat. If it was a dude I would have thought he was trying to get my attention but once again I don't want any misunderstanding so I ignore her. Just before the bus gets to our stop she asks me how much is the fare. To be exact she asks if the fare is a dollar. I tell her that I have a pass and that I believe it to be $2.25 but I admit that the $1 fare may be for students only. She smiles and says "Then I'm a student today" and hops on the bus and pays $1. The driver did not bat an eye. Now I know that these hard living kids today all look like slutty, alcoholic drugged out adults but this lady looked to be easily in her 30's and nothing like a High schooler to me. I admit that I could have been off by a decade or two but you can pretty much tell who is young by the time of day, the way they're dressed and how loud they become. I call shenanigans.

A lady in public...

So I was riding the bus the other day coming back from Dialysis. I was standing in the front of the bus with my stuff on the wheel well because the bus was fairly packed. There was this older lady trying to hurry for the bus but you could tell that running for anything was a long time ago for her. When she made it to the bus I noticed that she had a permanent crick in her neck. Hell, I thought that she was looking at the bus at first trying to get the attention of the bus driver. Be that as it may, she didn't have the luxury of turning her head properly and thus could not see where she was trying to sit. All of a sudden she dropped it like it was hot right on another lady and sat in her lap. Now I realize that she could not see her at all but I find it hard to believe that her judgement was off by that much because she missed the ENTIRE seat. What I noticed next may be the pervert in me but it seemed as though the lady that was in the seat cupped her ass as if she was used to getting large amounts of ass in her lap. She didn't even blink as she politely moved the older lady's ass from her lap to the seat next to her. What tripped me out about the whole thing was that the younger lady was talking on her phone but did not miss a syllable as she dealt with the ass. Wait. Did she reach for a dollar in her pocket? Did she just pat her on the ass? I must be seeing things.