Just Married

So I was riding the bus and I was pissed. Why? Because that bus driver made me run for the bus but I will get back to that in a moment.

First, I went to the store to get some snacks. I love snacks. and I was waiting for the bus back to 63rd. It was creeping along because this car was driving all slow and blocking the way. It stopped short of the light to let people off and as I passed the car I noticed that the driver was texting and was creeping along because he was concentrating on the message. I yelled in the car "GET OFF THE PHONE!" I think he soiled himself.
Now back to the trip home. After I got through trying to catch my breath I sat behind a couple of people. The lady two seats away was coming home from work. Everything about her was normal except for this tuft of hair standing up in the middle of her head. It was like she was Alfalfa's Black Auntie. I couldn't stop looking at it! That was until the fat guy kept moving as if someone was tickling his fat neck. He kept twitching like someone had a feather and was torturing him by tickle torture. When he got up to get off the bus he gave me the side eye. Really?! Did this guy just size me up? Maybe he was from "Fat Guy Enforcement" and knew that I haven't been paying my Fat Guy Dues.

Once I get to 79th I hop on the bus. This is the second bus I had to run for (For which I had to run, for you Grammar Nazis) and I was pissed again. So as I was boarding, I notice a family running for the bus. I tell the bus driver that they are coming. He gives me this look like "who gives a flying fuck" and I move on. Now when you get on a bus and someone is trying to move by you usually try to get skinny and let them by. What fucks me up is when they stop right behind you as if there was enough room for you both. That's what this lady did. All of a sudden when you stop clenching you end up rubbing asses together. I'm not sure but I think there is a marriage ceremony that involves rubbing buttcheeks somewhere in the world.

P.S. I forgot to mention the other day when this young girl got on the bus. She paid a dollar and sat down. The driver was like "Whoa, what makes you think your fare is a dollar?" She said she was going to orientation. She was wearing one of those dresses that make your ass clap when you walk. It was very provocative so I can see why the driver doubted that she was a student. Maybe I misheard her now that I think back. Maybe she said she was going in for "whore"rientation.

Close call

I didn't ride the bus today. How is it that you have a bus story for us then, you say? Well, I was walking to the store and talking on the phone. I was getting really close to the curb because I was about to cross the street. All of a sudden a bus came within 6 inches of hitting me. I think the bus drivers have been reading my stories and they have put a hit out on me.

Skitch Skitch Skeet

So I haven't talked about riding the bus in a while. The main reason is that since I changed my Dialysis schedule I haven't seen that much tomfoolery because people that are up that early in the morning are either on their way to work or on their way home.

With that being said I was on my way home and this guy was on the back shouting out random old song lines. "I know you want to leave me, but I refuse to let you go!" I tried to ignore him but then a drunk old lady got on and started a conversation with him. WTF?! I kept looking back in disbelief and this guy across from me kept chuckling. When we both got off at the dame stop we had a quick laugh about it until I saw him go to a Red Eye Machine (that is a free newspaper here in Chicago) and take HALF of the papers out and walk down the street with them tucked under his arm. Did that guy just steal FREE newspapers?

Fast forward to my trip home today. I get on the bus and go to the back because it was a bit crowded. When I sit down there is a little girl playing with a balloon animal she got from a trip with her mother. Aww, how cute you say? I thought it was too until she started twisting the balloons. **skritch** **skritch skritch skritch** I glance in her general direction. **skritch** Little girl I'm going to pop your balloon animal and make you cry. **skritch** Finally we get to the last stop and this same little girl is taking her sweet time getting off the bus. I wonder to myself how I will explain to the police why I punted this girl across the bus terminal.

P.S. So I'm walking home from the bus terminal and tell me why I got hit in the face with ketchup where a bus passed me and ran over the ketchup pack and it burst on me?

Masterpiece Theater

So I'm riding the train back from the DEEP Westside with DJ Greedy and there were a large group of young lesbians that got on with us. How do I know they were lesbians, you ask? Well the large group of dirty boys that got on were complaining that the girls were cockblocking them so either they were or they were faking the funk to avoid the boys. Anyway, all of a sudden they start acting out some type of play or something in the middle of the train. It was crazy like I was on Broadway or Shakespeare in the Park because all I needed was a song and dance number. I guess you could call them "Thespian Lesbians."

Well, after they got off there was this kid filming another kid with his camera phone and the one being filmed said he was going to pull the little red ball at the door. For those of you unfamiliar with the "little red ball," that is the emergency door release on all buses and trains. His plan was to jump off the train while still moving onto the platform while it was being filmed. "That's how you get 'Facebook Famous'," he stated while prepping for the jump. Now granted, he did do it but the train had already slowed to about 5 miles an hour. My question is where were the friggin' Cops? I crossed from one car to another, something that 100's of thousands of Chicagoans had done over the decades and I got a friggin' ticket and a court date. THIS idiot channels Super Dave Osborne and gets away with it. Where is the justice?

Well, I was talking to this nice couple (hi guys if you found my blog) and there is the strongest smell of Loud that travels my way. For those of you that don't partake, "Loud" is a type of Marijuana that smells really bad. The best way I can describe it would be Skunk piss (you know how it smells when a skunk is in the area? My Tennessee people will know that smell) or even Buck Scent for my hunter friends. AND THEY SMOKE THAT SHIT IN PUBLIC!!! Suddenly this guy asks me if I'm ever around some neighborhood on the westside and I'm like "no." He insists that he has seen me before. My head gets big and I'm thinking "this is a fan" up until he says that I bummed some change off him. Me? Asking for change? Only if I were campaigning for Obama.

So before I get off the train I see this guy that looks like Tommy from the Martin Lawrence show. He had a very strong resemblance and I was joking about it until I saw the back of his baseball jersey. "35 Thomas."

Let that man drive the bus...

As a member of the "African American" community I feel that I must address what I feel is becoming an issue regarding bus drivers. It seems that other "African Americans" feel the need to get over on their own people or more like they feel that we need to look out for each other at the detriment of the person who is actually doing something normal or positive. This "look out for a brother" mentality is, at best, a remnant of a time when we were more like infiltrators in a society not our own and not regular members of a society that does not care if we succeed or not and wants us to assimilate so as to not be a burden.

The problem is that when our brothers and sisters ride the bus they know exactly how much it is but they want to "slide" on the fair and if the driver, who is just trying to do his or her job, doesn't allow it then they are called all sorts of derogatory names and, in some cases, threatened with bodily harm. This happens daily and on most routes considered "in the hood." Surprisingly, this does not happen in more affluent neighborhoods or with other races that I'm aware. If you have data on that please let me know.

Now the bus is not the only place I notice this issue but it's where I notice it the most. I feel the job of being a busdriver is stressful enough without your own people threatening to do bodily harm over not having the correct change to get on the bus (or just not wanting to pay). I feel that you knew how much it was before you saw the bus coming and you had plenty of time to get change, break bills or secure a pass. Drivers even have shields installed to keep riders from having direct access to them. Soon they will need full time armed guards riding with them all because of a fringe of Black society that wants to get over where they can.

Rant over.  Please return to your seats.  Thank you.

Featuring the Solid Gold Dancers

So I was coming from Dialysis on my way to the Tattoo shop. Everything was going smooth until the bus was about to pull up. The bike that was on the front of the bus in the bike rack apparently decided to commit suicide and threw itself under the bus. The bike seemed to be alright but the owner wanted to make a big deal of it and complain. It was his fault in the first place for not securing it in the rack properly (this was the second time it fell off) so the driver had to make everyone get off his bus and wait for the next one.

My question is, if you have a bike why are you riding the bus anyway?

Now once it was time to go home I was sitting near a guy that had to be all of 350 pounds. He was listening to his favorite song on his tiny radio earbuds and the spirit of the dance caught him unaware. All of a sudden he starts moving around as if he was trying out to be on of the Solid Gold Dancers. Dude had some serious moves to be so big. I just couldn't see him in gold sequined leotards and pink leg warmers.

The leg warmers came with the outfit.  Hair spray not included.

Angry Pee

So I was going to Dialysis on the bus this morning. It was early and nothing was happening because only people with jobs and someplace to go are on the bus that early in the morning. You see the same people that early so you get used to them. Anyway I get to the Garfield station where all the shuttles stop and I thought that I was not going to have anything to tell you guys up until I see this rather rotund woman being escorted off the shuttle by a transit cop. This is odd because the shuttle is free so unless you are cutting up or acting a fool there is no reason to get kicked off the bus. Well, they are going back and forth at each other. The woman is yelling about how her rights are being violated and the cop is saying how she is about to violate her foot up her ass if she doesn't get off the bus. It was all about par for course up until the rotund woman walked to the street, PULLED DOWN HER SWEATS and proceeded to urinate on the ground. Wait, you didn't hear me right. SHE PEED ON THE STREET with her natural born ass hanging out in front of about 30 people. It was an angry pee, too!

So this guy walks up to her to ask why she was kicked off the bus (totally ignoring the fact that he just saw her ass) but he wasn't really hearing anything she said because he was so excited that the cop blew him a kiss (she was very attractive and he tried to get her to frisk him by admitting that he had all sorts of drugs on him) and how he was "the man" for that action. She was not impressed in the least because it was the same cop that kicked her off the bus in the first place.

P.S.  I was asked by a friend to explain "angry pee."   Angry Pee is a hot, forceful pee that LOOKS as if it smells of asparagus and Boone's Farm.

No sandwich for you!

So I'm riding the bus.  Again. I was making a delivery to a store and I stop at a Jimmy Johns.  These guys make really fast sandwiches and I figured I had time before the bus arrived.  I get on the bus and the bus driver felt the urge to tell me that I can't eat on the bus.  Now I usually don't get upset about drivers doing their jobs but I did feel singled out because I was the only Black guy on the bus (the driver was Black, too).  I responded "I know" but I wish that I had something really intelligent to say in retrospect.  I really became upset when I witnessed this older, White lady snacking on some pretzels and even more upset when I saw the bus drivers pull a pop ("soda" for you East coasters and "Cold Drink" for you Southerners) out of the little bag where you discard old fare cards.  How is she going to tell me I can't eat and everybody and their Mother is snacking up a storm on this Motherstanker?  (Yes, that is my word and you can't have it!)

Just then a lady gets on the bus with an impossibly large balloon and I forgot all about my sandwich.  This balloon was so large....(How large was it?)...that is needed it's own bus pass.  I knew none of you would believe me so I took a picture of it.

So, on my way back a security guard gets on with his K-9 partner.  My question is:  If the dog has a muzzle so he can't bite you, what good is he in stopping someone from doing something?  Is the muzzle a quick release thing or is he stuck until the  guard can take it off?  I figure if he can't bite me then I'm not scared of him.  I think he felt my contempt.

Parade day

So I'm riding the bus and it was parade day for the back to school parade so the buses were overcrowded and rerouted for the parade. We are packed on the front of the bus like sardines (even though the rear has seats and space available) and this guy next to me smells of sour feet, old cheese and crushed dreams and I'm just praying that the other people don't think it's me. Dude, get up off me!

Anyway, the bus stops short of the last stop and the driver says, "This bus is going to the Green/Red line. If you want to go further please board the bus next to us." A lady asks, "Is that bus going to Washington Park?"

The driver repeats his instructions, "This bus is going to the Green/Red line. If you want to go further please board the bus next to us."

"Is that bus going to Washington Park?"

"THIS BUS is going to the Green/Red line. If you want to go further please board the bus NEXT TO US!!!"

The lady gets off at the Green/Red line. Washington Park is about 150 feet from that stop.