We're going off the rails on a crazy train.

So I was riding the train today and I have to say that I could only categorize today as strange. It started with the fact that I view what could only be said as an abundance of mentally ill people. So much so that it seemed that there was a convention in town or something. I'm not sure how that many mentally ill people were all riding the same train and bus. I will elaborate further in the rest of my tale.

When I got of the train I saw an Amazon fresh of the plane from Themyscira. I assume she was because she towered over me (I'm thumping every one of you that made a short joke in the throat when I see you) and her ass was massive. So massive that it had its own gravity well and I was being drawn towards it (I know because I usually fall behind (!) instead of into behind when I'm walking from the train). I know she felt the eye radiation from me looking at it all the way to the other side of the underpass bridge.

Anyway, I got on the bus and it was like One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest (The CTA version). This one lady looked like the character "Crazy Eyes" from the TV show Orange Is the New Black and she kept glancing at me and mumbling something under her breath. Did I just get chosen? Well If I did I already have experience with crazy girlfriends so I probably wouldn't notice much difference. Suddenly this young girl sat across from me and all I could smell was "fat girl fingers." What are FGFs, you ask? Well the scent can only be described as saliva, Jolly Ranchers, Now & Later Candy, Flaming Hot Cheetos, tears and secret shame all mixed together. It's very potent. I tried to look out the window to take my mind off the FGFs and I saw what could only be described as a skinny black kid with a Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation 1814 hat on and a a cape and shorts on. Ok, that's not going to help me out here. Back to the bus. This one lady got so fed up with "Crazy Eyes" that she moved next to FGFs and you could see the immediate relief on her face. Ahhhhhhhhh!!!

Oh, I almost forgot about my trip this morning. I witnessed two odd things which I could only say was a guy with an orange safety vest pushing a baby stroller with a large purple duffle bag in it and a homeless pimp. (I've got video of the baby stroller if you want to meet me somewhere where we can laugh out loud. See elsewhere in this post for a pic of the pimp.) otherwise I would say it was a normal day!

It's hard out here for a pimp...

Back to the present...

So I was riding the train and I noticed this girl was pigeon toed. I'd never seen that before. It was almost like finding a Sasquatch or Yeti or some other legendary creature. She was about 5 foot even and "That Asssss" but her toes pointed inward. She might have been my future wife but I was too distracted by her feet! A shame.

Speaking of Sasquatch feet, I saw this other girl when I got to the bus who was very attractive until I got to her feet. Her feet looked as though she has been up to Alaska putting out that forest wildfire barefoot and did the D Lo shuffle all the way back to Chicago wearing hard soled men's church shoes that pinch. I sort of have a thing for feet and I can't see how a lady would let her feet get abused like that. Is there a DCFS for toes? Can the Government take her feet away for abuse? I know people without legs that take better care of their feet!

This.

Anyway, while I was contemplating women with better feet, this guy gets on with a baby stroller. Awwwwwww. Fatherhoodlum! He was complaining that it was hot (which it was) but he had on one of those bubble vets like Michael J. Fox had on in Back to the Future Trilogy but his was leather (!), a full head of dreads and sweatpants. I almost called the police because he was obviously trying to commit suicide by sweating to death but I didn't intervene. Just as I was about to congratulate his efforts at being a father he looked at this old man and asked him to give up his seat so he could put the stroller in the wheelchair spot. I didn't know how I felt about that because the old man looked as though he fought for the North in the Civil War and should have stayed in his seat, in my opinion. The CTA employee that was behind the guy looked on in disbelief! I was even more shocked when the other old guy in the next row of wheelchair seats gave him his seat so he could sit by the stroller (which is a requirement when riding with a stroller on the bus). Wow. I'm not sure how I felt about any of that.

This but with dreads and the vest is made of leather and the tears of third world children.

Well, after that I noticed a young lady who seemed strikingly attractive. I say seemed because when you are looking at people on the bus you have to do it in glances otherwise you may get punched in the face. I kept glancing at her until I got an entire picture of her face and I noticed that her top lip was fat like T.I.'s wife, Tiny. Oh my. I had not realized that there were other citizens of "Fat-lippia" here in the United States. As I was watching her top lip continue to swell, a guy walked passed her and she made the "ugh" face. Oh no, please don't do that, sweetheart. You need to smile for the rest of your life.

The Nays have it

So I was riding the bus home and this time I was the spectacle. Well, maybe that is a bit harsh but let me explain. As I sit on the train I begin to notice that it is truly Springtime in the greater Chicagoland area. You know this by the fact that it is stretchy-pants season and all the bootycheeks have come out to play. I look around and see a nice selection of young ladies. The selection on the bus was better with the exception of this one "bitter bitch" that just had this look on her face like she was not enjoying life at that moment. If you were drinking whiskey at that very moment she would have turned it into a whiskey sour just by her look. Dang! You make lemons pucker!

Anyway, I see this well spoken, conservatively dressed young lady board the bus.I didn't talk to her directly but I can tell you the entire conversation we had through looks. It went like this:

Me: You are a very attractive young lady.

Her: I rebuke your advances, sir.

Me: I just wanted to tell you how pretty you are.

Her: I come from a society where compliments are against the law, sir.

Me: You look and sound very sweet.

Her: I'm diabetic, sir.

Me: I don't mean any harm.

Her: I carry a rape whistle and pepper spray, sir.

Me: Well, you enjoy your day and thank you for making mine better.

Her: Get thee behind me, sir.

So she leaves and I scan the bus for more eye candy. I see other women that I did not notice before and I'm like "they're ok but..." Then this one lady gets up and.oh, my (as I place my pinky finger up to the corner of my mouth). That ass!!! Suddenly, this guy sitting across from me chuckles as if he heard the exclamation burst forth from my brain. Excuse me, sir, but stay out of my brain while I'm being perverted.

I believe the children are our future...

So I'm riding the bus and I can't keep my eyes open. I keep nodding off and every time I wake up I see something weird. Well, maybe it was weird to me because I didn't see it when it got on the bus. Anyway, this last time I wake up to a head full of dreads, That's not unusual in Chicago, you say? Normally I would agree but these dreads were the same color as Ronald McDonald's hair. Why would any human being dye their hair shock red? Then I put two and two together. Ronald's been slumming in the hood for years now and that must have been one of his bastard kids.

The evidence...

...Just keeps..

..getting more clear.

Communication is the key

So I was on my way to the train today and I see this lady doing what seemed like sign language. What is unusual about that? Nothing really if she was speaking to someone but it seemed as though she was signing to herself AND cussing to boot. Can you have Tourette's Syndrome if you can't speak? I don't know but it sure seemed as though she was signing some serious shit.

Anyway, I get on the bus later on and this lady asks me if the bus goes to Halsted St. I answer in the affirmative and then she proceeds to have a conversation with an invisible person. After she confirmed the directions she then proceeded to play musical seats by moving forward to the front of the bus a few seats at a time. What was crazy about it was that I'm not sure if she asked the question for herself or the invisible person because SHE got off the bus long before Halsted. I wonder, do you still have to pay a fare if you are invisible?