Newports and he was born this route

So I was riding the bus the other day and I was loaded down with shirts because I was going to sell them at a party later that day. I'm like a pack mule with all this crap but since there was money to make I was trying to endure. I was so wrapped up in my mission that I almost missed what happened next. This guy gets on the bus and starts saying "loose squares" under his breath. Now this is nothing new because I see this all the time. What was crazy was this father with his kid wrapped up like a burrito. I was so moved by this that I wanted to give him money to get a stroller for the kid. This was until he bought two of those "loose squares" from the loose guy. REALLY? I was about to hand this guy one of those "World's Greatest Dad" trophies for toughing it out with his kid but I know he would have spent any money I gave him on some Newports. The crazy thing is once the cigarette guy saw a little money come his way then he started to announce that he also had weed for sale. Wow. Here's my thing. If you are using the CTA to sell your loose squares and weed shouldn't you make more than the cost of a monthly bus pass? The profit margin of cigarettes is like 2 bucks a pack and these dudes sell more cigarettes than weed. I don't know where that guy went to school for his Weed Man Associates Degree but they need to update the curriculum. 

Anyway, after work I was on my way to a party. Now, Mind you, I was loaded down with a giant duffle bag, a backpack and a table and a chair, both in bags. I sat towards the front so i could put the big bag on the wheel well. These two "gentlemen of alternate lifestyles" got on the bus. One was what we used to call an "old queen" and he sat next to me. How did I know, you ask? I don't know. It might have been the mid length plush fur coat, the very decorative headscarf or the effeminate hand gestures. I didn't mind that but he had one of those travel suitcases with the handle and wheels and he was tired of dragging that thing around (no pun intended) so he left it in the middle of the aisle. A lady that got on after him looked at him like "are you going to move that?" and he responded with a look that said "lift your legs like you did for that man and climb over it, bitch!" That look cinched my hunch. He looked around and saw MY look of disapproval and was about to treat my life away until he saw how many bags I had and that I was able to keep them out of the way. I dodged a bullet on that one. Have you ever gotten into a battle of words with a Gay man? You can never win THAT one.

The double drunk bus

So I'm riding the bus and there seems to be a guiding hand keeping me on mission. I'm on my way to the West Side and I'm debating on the route. Should I go to the Red Line and switch at Roosevelt or should I go to Western and take the Orange Line to Roosevelt? I get to Western before I realize I just walked to Western. WTF? How did this just happen? The last thing I remember is going to Dollar General to get traveling snacks. I got distracted when the guy behind me in line was attempting to use my mass to hide his shoplifting activities. I HATE THAT! It makes me feel like an accomplice. It's like catching a ride with someone that decides to either shoot someone or rob a bank. Mo amount of explaining will allow you to avoid the felony charge. The guy got caught by the store manager and, even though he had a wallet full of cash she still saw him attempting to pocket some candy. CANDY? ARE you serious? Maybe if you were trying to feed your family or something like that but you are risking getting charge with shoplifting for some candy? AND you are getting me involved and I don't even eat candy like that. Bastard!

Anyway, I get to Western and the first thing I see is a guy peeing on the side of CVS. Really? Dude, put that thing away before you get frostbite on your thing-a-ling. Back to the story. I get there right when the bus gets there and I get on. Since I was listening to my MP3 player things seemed very quick. Before I realize it I'm at the train station. The train gets to Roosevelt in record time and I find out that the Green Line was being worked on and I avoided the whole thing. AWESOME!

After the meeting I catch the Chicago bus and this lady is is playing drunk musical chairs and messing with customers. Sit your drunk ass down. I try to ignore her as I am falling asleep. I have a mask on like I'm some sort a music ninja. When I wake I see like 3 or 4 other riders wearing masks. Is this the ninja bus? Anyway, the lady from earlier ends up standing directly in front of me in a boxing stance. Why is she standing up when the bus is half empty and why does it look as though she is going to chop me in the throat? WTF, lady? The bus is swaying and it looks as though she is about to fall into me. I cock back my hand to punch her and I say "Lady, if you fall into me we are going to have a serious problem." She is startled and sits down immediately. I scared her so badly that she took out a bottle of what looked to be the cheapest of whiskey and took a swig. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not in the habit of punching wine head broads and my reaction was purely defensive but sometimes you get people that like to take advantage of others through their drunkenness. This is usually followed by the statement "I don't mean no harm." Again, sit your drunk ass down and leave me the fuck alone.

Now and Nows

So I was riding the bus going to Dialysis and this guy gets on the bus. He was older and I figured that he was going to work because most people up that early aren't on any bullshit. So I'm minding my own business, listening to Pablo Harrington's Diskofunkshun Volume 2, and this guy pulls out a pack of "Now and Laters" and starts eating them. Nothing out of the norm until he starts throwing the paper on the floor of the bus. Why is this bothering me? Every piece of yellow paper that hit the floor provoked my ire. First, how are you able to eat them one after the other like that? My teeth start aching just watching him. I don't know if it was the fact that he was littering or if it was that the paper was on the floor next to MY feet and it looked as though I was the litterbug.

Anyway, when I get to the train station I'm standing under the heater waiting for the train. This guy stands DIRECTLY in front of me and starts rocking side to side like he has to pee. DUDE! First, you are so damn close to me it's like he wants me to spoon with him. Second, he is making me have to pee. Stop doing the pee pee dance, damn it. STOP!!!! I really need a car.

My pimp hand is strong

So I was riding the bus the other day and I noticed that times have really gotten hard for some people. The reason I say this is because I saw a guy that was obviously a pimp or player back in the 90's. How could I tell? Well maybe it was the fucked up "butters" (Straightened or relaxed hair combed straight back or in a nice hairdo but you are a guy) or maybe it was the jacket length fur coat or maybe the one matching color outfit. This was something you would have seen all the time on the South Side but he would normally be rapped in a long-body Lincoln or Cadillac. To see a guy dressed like a pimp on a bus is really depressing. It lets you know just how bad things have become. I wonder if they have special rates for pimps on the mend. Do they get transfers or do they let them slide? What if the driver used to be one of his hos? How does THAT get handled? "Bitch, you got my transfer in yo pocket!" or "Bitch better have my bus fare."

Rubbing is racing

So I was riding the bus today and I was trying to figure out the best way to get to my G.E.T.O DJZ INC. meeting since it normally takes 2 1/2 hours for that trip. Screw it. I'm going to ride the Western bus to the Orange Line. So I get to the Western bus terminal on what seemed to be the slowest bus in creation. It was like 20 Senior Citizens on walkers were pushing this bus down the street. DUDE!!! Did the bus run out of fuel and you are coasting?

When we get to the terminal I hop on the Western Bus and I notice that there are always people just sitting at that stop as if it were some type of hangout. Is this a union meeting? How about a block club? Don't your asschecks get cold on that concrete?

Anyway, this lady gets on the bus and she is speaking loudly. She is speaking to a guy that boarded with her. In between speaking loudly she is popping her gum. Now, I don't know about you but loud gum chewers get on my damn nerves. I think they know this and choose to sit directly behind me. THEN she starts singing some Gospel song. I have a theory about choir singers. I believe people that sing in choirs can only sing while in a choir and NOT when they are by themselves.

Well, when I get to the train station I head for the door. This guy gets off as well but he keeps weaving into my path like he is boxing me out.I try to go around but he is blocking me as if her is driving NASCAR. Dude! Get the hell out of my way! If I miss this train because of you I would advise you to not get close to the edge of the platform. My name is James and I'm a shove-a-holic.

Pissed off

They say that being pissed off is better than being pissed on (unless you are into that kind of thing).

So I was riding the bus the other day and I missed the 4:00 a.m. bus AGAIN! I was pissed to say the least and I sent a text to the CTA to see when the next bus was coming. It messaged back that another bus wasn't due until 5:00 a.m. I started walking to Ashland to catch my alternate route but then a bus materialized out of thin air before I got to Ashland. WTF?! Well, I decided to ride that bus because I wanted to see what happened with the Red Line renovations. After all, the mayor was talking big shit on the TV about how well things went.

Well, first the buses were running like shit and I think they did that on purpose to take your mind off those damned Ventra cards. We got within 500 feet of the Dan Ryan and they made everyone get off the bus and switch buses. The bus took so long moving afterwards that I decided to walk that last 500 feet. I made it there before the bus but just missed a train by 15 seconds. Before the renovation that would have meant anywhere from 15 to 30 minutes added to the trip. I am happy to announce that another train was 7 minutes behind that one. Well, that was the only good thing about that situation because the station looked as though all they did was slap some paint on it and called it done. What's worse is that it only took one day for someone to desecrate it be peeing on the platform. Why is it that people pee on the CTA platforms? If not that then they pee in the elevators. Didn't your mommy ever make you go before you went anywhere? No more drinks for you before any trip.

You no make the pee pee here!

Back to the train. The mayor was talking much shit about how the train would not have to go 15 miles an hour and the ride would be smoother and faster. I believe it may have been because I think we went 17 miles an hour from 69th to 63rd. Man, did I make up that time or what?

Anyway, my grade for the new Red Line is a solid C-. ( I gave them extra credit for adding the elevators to the stops that did not have them. Ya-a-a-aY! More places for people to pee!

My Journey never ends

So I was riding the bus the other day and I was the spectacle this time. Why, you ask? Because I was standing on the bus stop singing Journey songs with my headphones on. Every time I ended up at a stop I was singing "Anyway You Want It" and "Don't Stop Believing" on endless repeat. Of course I was aware of other people and I would sing under my breath when they stood near. The truth is I wish I could have convinced them to sing with me. Spontaneous karaoke is a dream of mine. The part that made me a spectacle was when I would get on the bus and I would "air drum" Boston's "Piece Of Mind" and "More Than A Feeling." I'm waiting for the fallout. I will probably end up on World Star Hip Hop or Youtube with a million hits under the heading of "mental health patient rides the bus."

Nothing Ventra'd, Nothing gained.

So I didn't have to ride the bus yesterday but I knew my bus card was going to expire today so I was going around trying to find a place to purchase the old magnetic strip card because the Ventra card is FUCKED UP! Well, after a trip to a bunch of stores the only bus pass I found was 1 day and 3 day passes. Totally not worth the money unless you are going to ride all day. Fuck it. I have to buy the Ventra Card and take my chances. Well, I didn't want to walk around like one of those people with tinfoil in their pockets and on their heads trying to keep the government and aliens from reading my thoughts and the RFID chip in the card. PLUS they want you to register the card so that you can "get the registration fee refunded back to you" which is really an excuse to track your movements using the card. No I'm not a conspiracy theorist because MY conspiracies are facts!!

Anyway, once I resign myself to the fact that I have to either buy this card OR clean up my license and buy a car (which is slightly out of my budget for this month) which would be a good thing for my love life (because it's hard to go a on date if you have to wait for the bus to show up and hope you can get a seat together) I then went the task of looking for an aluminum wallet. Why an aluminum wallet, you ask? Because I don't want the looks you get when you have tin foil in your pocket like a loon. At least with the wallet you look stylish and you know other people have it because you "saw it on TV." SO I go looking for the wallet and the first place I look is Dollar General. I ask the girl behind the counter about it and she says they have them. She then asks "male or female?"

"Huh?"

"Male or female? We have wallets but some of them have feminine designs."

I say, "I don't care just as long as it doesn't have 'Hello Kitty' twerking on the front of it."

SHE says, "they might."

Anyway, they weren't the aluminum ones and after checking several stores and their "As Seen On TV" sections I ended up having to order one off the interwebs. So to make a long story short I will be trying this thing out today in about 30 minutes. I will let you know how it works and the shenanigans that will ensue as a result of my first ride. Wish me luck!

Stick 'Em Up

So I was riding the bus and I was mad. I missed my bus so I was trying to be creative and find an alternative route. I walked to Ashland and jumped on the bus there. Well, apparently, everybody else and their mamas missed their buses too and the bus was super, extra, mega crowded. I stood in the front so that I could disembark (escape) when I got to the "L." I noticed that people were having issues with the new Ventra fare cards and the driver mentioned that you should keep the cards away from your debit cards because they will transfer money from your account to the card. WHAT?!?! What kind of special bullshit is this? I've also heard that if you pass by terminals that accept that form of payment it will take all your money off the card just by passing by. Really. Really? I get on the bus to avoid walking through the bad neighborhoods and now you are telling me I will get stuck up by my FARE CARD?! What's next? Am I going to get mugged by my Walmart gift card?

Later that day I'm trying to get back home. I wasn't feeling good so I was just ready to go. I get to the shuttle and the driver is flirting with another driver saying how sexy she was and that they needed to get together. He was so loud that I had to see who this "fine ass woman" was. When my eyes finally focused I started to get off the shuttle because it was very obvious that this man cheated on his eye exam for his driver's test. Either that or he was "fresh out" and anything with a hole was fine to him.

Question: If you don't have your fare together or you have a "story" to tell the driver why you can't pay your fare why would you get on the bus first and keep everyone else waiting to get on?

Answer: So that the bus driver would get frustrated and wave you on so that he can drive off. It's a ploy so that he will not kick you off the bus. That is why they look at you funny when you put your fare in while they are in the middle of their story because if the line keeps moving before they finish they will get kicked off. Someone ALWAYS has a story about why they can't pay the fare.

Ain't gonna bump no mo'....

So I'm riding the bus and that made me ponder a few things. Now I'm not a small guy. On a skinny day I'm 220. My question is why is it that large people want to stand opposite where you are standing? It's like a big butt toll gate. I don't know anyone other than people with booty fetishes that want to squeeze between people's buttcheeks. Even if you stagger the people standing up and it's like a booty slalom you can still navigate without having to brush against buttocks (unless you are into that sort of thing).

Anyway, I get to the train and I'm trying to find the best way to get to this place where my DJ group is meeting. I have a pretty good idea of how to get there but I'm about 2 hours late according to the supposed start time. I hop on the Red line but I want to change to the Green line so I don't have to climb that mountain of stairs at the Roosevelt stop. I change at 55th and settle in. I'm wearing my headphones to get in the mood for music. I notice some guy is making a speech on the train. I don't know what he is saying but I notice that every other person on the train pulls out headphones so they don't have to listen. I was like a headphone commercial was being filmed on the train. Two women got off a few stops later but so did the guy making the presentation. Can you get charged for talk stalking?

So, I'm riding and this guy gets on with a bike. He places the bike against the emergency door at the end of the car but then goes to sit AT THE OPPOSITE END OF THE TRAIN! (See picture of bike.) What the hella, fella?! The bike was wedged up against the door so anyone trying to get out of that car is totally blocked and you are sitting A CAR AWAY! Dude. AND who rides the train with a bike anyway? Isn't the purpose of having a bike so you don't have to ride the train? Ok, ok. I get that you are trying to avoid getting swamp ass but if that is the case leave the fucking bike at home. With people stealing trains and shit who wants to get trapped because some asswipe wanted to travel with his pet bike with whom he'd rather not be seen in public?

P.S. To the guy driving the R22 shuttle: You know you saw me coming to your bus and you took off to spite me. May your bus uniform gets fleas and your nutsack itches all night with a bus full of nuns.

Train Jacking part 1

So I'm sitting at home with no intention of riding the bus today. Suddenly I hear that there was a train collision on the Blue line out in Forrest Park, IL. A train collision? How did that happen? Well, according to the news report, the train was on the wrong track and hit a parked train and ended up with like 30 to 45 casualties. They speculate that someone had stolen the train. Wait, what?! This brings up serious questions. How do you steal a train? Once stolen where are you going with said train? Once you get there what are you going to do with your ill-gotten train? Are you going to put it on Craigslist? Are you going to sell in on eBay? Will Paypal be able to handle that kind of transaction? What if you get your train and discover that it's not the train you wanted? How do you return it and get your money back? So many questions.

Thursday service

So I missed my bus this morning by about 20 seconds. In "bus time" that means I was 1/2 hour late. Hrumph! Well I decided to walk to Ashland and wait for THAT bus. When I got there I used the text service to see when the bus was due. It sent me a message back that said the next bus was only going to 74th street. REALLY?!?! I could walk to 74th street and I would STILL be ass out. I came THIS (imagine my hands showing you how close I came) close to going home and going back to sleep until I saw a bus going in the opposite direction. THAT bus was going to 95th and the bus terminal. I can take that shuttle to 55th and still get there near my appointment. Now, normally you see only people that are going to work that early in the morning but this bus had people that looked as if they slept on the bus all night. A rolling motel. Well, I'm still going to make it.

I get to 95th and everybody AND their mothers were on this shuttle. I've never known the long buses to be full but this one was almost at capacity. Then, for the entire trip, I got to hear how the corporate world likes their lunches made for meetings by someone that was getting a new hire up to speed. Did you know that corporate types only like Romaine lettuce? I do now.

After a really sucky treatment I head home and the shuttle had half of the bus driver's union on it. Man, were they talking mucho shit, too! Apparently bus drivers haze each other over driving skills. They have a saying: Are you a bus driver or an operator? A bus driver follows all the rules ad nausea whereas an operator is a superior driver that throws the rules out the window if they see a chance to do something spectacular on the road. I prefer bus drivers.

When I get to 79th I get on the bus and it is pretty full. A guy int he front says, "there is room on the back!" His statement is quickly answered with, "why don't you go back there then?" Oh shit! Normally that would have been a cuss out session between him and the lady who dared to say something but this guy was a seasoned debate master. How did he respond? With the word of God! how do you fight that? You don't unless you want to look like a heathen. He shut her WHOLE operation down and she didn't say a word for the rest of the trip. According to Reverend Brown (that is who he said he was) God loves you even of you don't love Him back and so does the Reverend. Also he doesn't cuss women but he WILL molly wop you if you touch him. His wife left him for another man and he is very happy that happened and he likes young, pretty girls which was evident when he started flirting with a young girl standing near him. He also said that if you didn't want to hear what he had to say you could jump out of the window and get hit by a car. I haven't been to church in a while but I've never known any preacher to tell you to run into traffic if you didn't want to hear the word of God. They must take tithes at gunpoint these days.

Victoria's bus pass

So I was riding the bus today and everything was wonderful. I had just eaten two Chicago style hot dogs (I guess they are all Chicago style if you get them in Chicago) and walked to the terminal. The bus was on time and the world seemed good. When i got to 79th street the bus was about 15 minutes away. I know this because the bus shelter had the estimated times of arrival. Now when you ride the bus you see all sorts of pretty ladies going to and fro. Suddenly one walked up and stood near me. When she turned around she had this GIGANTIC rip in her jeans and HALF of her ass was out. To be specific it was her right buttcheek. She had on blue tiger stripe panties. Now if you are in Chicago, or any major city, you know that having small rips and tears is the fashion amongst urban youth these days. I thought it was a bit extreme and I wondered if her asscheek was getting cold since there was a slight breeze but I realized that with everyone staring at her ass that she was quite warm. (Eye radiation is a heat source in the city.)

So after I got used to her bootyhole being exposed to the elements I got on the bus. At this point I felt that this was the highlight of my ride. That was until a lady pulled out her sexy panties to show her friend on the bus. I assume that it was her friend because she was showing her how pretty her panties were. I also assume that she had just purchased them but while she was describing the apparently comfort of this type of panty another lady asked her about them. Apparently she sells panties and other sundries. Do you need a special license to sell panties on the bus or can anyone do it? What is her policy for trying them on? Can you return them if they don't live up to the sexiness that is promised? What do you say when you are complimented on your sexy bus panties? I have so many questions.

When the lights go down in the city....

So I took the bus the other day and I ended up having to walk from the bus depot as I do when I go to early morning Dialysis. As I'm getting close to the clinic I see this woman standing at the bus stop. All of a sudden she runs towards the bushes while grasping at her belt line. I grew up in a house full of women and I know that to be the international sign for "I gotta pee." Being the gentleman that I am (in public anyway) I try to keep looking straight ahead as I pass. Suddenly I hear from the bushes "Hey! You got the time?" Do I ignore it or do I answer? It's not like I can say I didn't see her because we were the only two humans in the streets.  I look in her general direction and say "4:30." As I glance down the street I see the bus coming and I said "you are going to miss your bus." No response. I keep walking and the bus passes me. I look back and she is still standing at the bus stop. Was that a new technique for prostitutes to solicit? Was there a pimp in those bushes waiting to stab me? Did I pass up some really good bush in the bushes? (I'm hearing "push push in the bush" in my head right now.) Personally I'm scared to think of the consequences.

The Love Bus

So I get on the bus today and I immediately get the stink eye from the bus driver like he was mad that I wanted to ride HIS bus. Wait, I've seen this guy before. How do I know? Because he was doing the exact same thing his was doing the last time I saw him which was spitting lame bus driver game at some young T.H.O.T. In fact it was the same T.H.O.T. from the last time. (T.H.O.T. - Them Hoes Out There) She was not even cute with her non-invisible part, dry mop head looking face ass.

Anyway, I'm trying to figure out why I get the stink eye from this guy every time I see him. I don't want that young ass girl. In fact, you shouldn't either. She looked as though she was a Junior in High School. Did you promise her some new gym shoes? Remember you are going to have to sign her absentee form if she comes over your house. I think she was only interested in dude because of that bus pass he promised her. Pass for ass. What really troubled me was that when she got off the bus she waved at the supervisor that was in his truck at the Western stop as though she knew him on a first name basis. She's been working that line!

Single again

So I was riding the bus today and I thought I saw my next ex-girlfriend. As she got closer I noticed that her eyebrows were drawn in. This is not anything new but as she got even closer it seemed as though she was extremely mad. Who has angered her? Is she mad at me? What did I do to her? And just like that our relationship was over.

Anyway, I've begun to notice that people on the bus resemble famous people. I could not tell you who but they all seem somewhat familiar. Today, for instance, this old man (he played one) was sitting about three seats away and was staring at me. How do I know? Because he caught me staring at him. I couldn't help it because I was desperately trying to figure out who he resembled. Just before the end of the line it hit me. He looked like the dancing old man from Six Flags. Hey, wait. I'm on the bus. That song he danced to was called "The Vengabus." Old man.....Vengabus.....DI DIT DI DIT DI DAAAA DAAA....DI DIT DI DIT DI DAAAA DAA!!!

Have A Good Day

So today I took a short bus trip and witnessed what I would call "bus speed dating." The guy that was in the front seat was trying to get his courage up to talk to the bus driver lady. When I got on the bus and stood in the front (I was getting off in a few stops) I guess he said "let me get this number before this total stud muffin gets my girl." This guy tried every move he knew to get the driver's number. She was like "no, thank you and have a good day." Then he started making kissy face noises and she was like "I don't need you to teach me how to kiss. You have a good day, sir." What is jacked up is I was trying to think of a way I could try to get her number, too!

No hope for love

So I'm riding the bus and the bus driver was one of the prettiest drivers I'd ever seen. Did she just look straight into my eyes and smile? I'm a lonely, old man so don't play with my emotions you fucking tease. Anyway, I sat my perverted ass down and was trying to think of a way to start up a conversation when this guy gets on the bus. He was an old winehead. For those of you that don't know what that is, it is an old school term for a guy that stays perpetually drunk off cheap wine. The guy asks her how she's doing and she was like "pay your fare and sit down, sir." Oh, shit! I wouldn't have gotten very far with her. The winehead gets VERY loud and a little bit belligerent saying "I just wanted to know how you were doing!"

"Pay your fare, sir"

"Dang, can't anyone ask how someone is anymore?!" ( He looks as though he wants to cry. Like he has been insulted by the state of the world and has lost hope for mankind.)

"Pay your far or I'm calling the cops, sir"

"Dang, why you gotta go and call the cops for?! I ain't do nothing! Why we gotta get them involved. Dang, man." (Looks like he is tearing up.)

She hits the secret "hey I need the cops, now" button. The guy per rachet ass chick gets up and uthat just got off the bus hops back on and puts his fare card in for the winehead and says "there he's paid for" and gets off the bus. At this point it was too late because the cops just popped up out of nowhere. The rest of the passengers are getting restless saying they have places to go. Now the bus driver is talking to the cops and the winehead is getting detained. This super-ghetto ass chick gets up and tries to express how urgent it is that she gets to where ever she is going. (Note: the following is as close as I can get to how she sounded in written form) "Excruse me. EXCRUSE me. Can we get going? I got places to go, SHIT!" (No that is not a misspelling. She said "excruse" me.) Did you ever see anyone that was super attractive and then she spoke and all your attraction flies out of the window? That's what happened here. At that point the people on the bus were getting hostile. I wanted to say that she had a right to not be badgered by anyone but if he had not been in her face I would probably be the person the cops were arresting at that point.

I love the rain (when I'm not in it)

So I was riding the bus the other day and it was a big day for me. I was going to a party later on that day to sell my new line of t-shirts and I was excited. I say WAS because it wasn't looking good weather wise. Is that a drop of rain? That is either rain or a seagull pissing on my face. Either way I'm not feeling this. All of a sudden the skies open up and I'm now standing in the rain. "I saw you AND HIM (and him...and him...) walking in the rainnnnnnnnnnnnn....." Now I'm standing under a viaduct trying to not get any wetter than I am. The bus pulls up and the world's oldest bus driver let's me board. I don't want to say she's THAT old but her badge number was 7.

Well she was the nicest bus driver I'd met in a long time and she was kind enough to try not to splash anyone that was on her route. I can't say that about all drivers and if you are reading this sorry about the old crack. You have to admit that you still have supertransfers in your back pocket though.

Just Married

So I was riding the bus and I was pissed. Why? Because that bus driver made me run for the bus but I will get back to that in a moment.

First, I went to the store to get some snacks. I love snacks. and I was waiting for the bus back to 63rd. It was creeping along because this car was driving all slow and blocking the way. It stopped short of the light to let people off and as I passed the car I noticed that the driver was texting and was creeping along because he was concentrating on the message. I yelled in the car "GET OFF THE PHONE!" I think he soiled himself.
Now back to the trip home. After I got through trying to catch my breath I sat behind a couple of people. The lady two seats away was coming home from work. Everything about her was normal except for this tuft of hair standing up in the middle of her head. It was like she was Alfalfa's Black Auntie. I couldn't stop looking at it! That was until the fat guy kept moving as if someone was tickling his fat neck. He kept twitching like someone had a feather and was torturing him by tickle torture. When he got up to get off the bus he gave me the side eye. Really?! Did this guy just size me up? Maybe he was from "Fat Guy Enforcement" and knew that I haven't been paying my Fat Guy Dues.

Once I get to 79th I hop on the bus. This is the second bus I had to run for (For which I had to run, for you Grammar Nazis) and I was pissed again. So as I was boarding, I notice a family running for the bus. I tell the bus driver that they are coming. He gives me this look like "who gives a flying fuck" and I move on. Now when you get on a bus and someone is trying to move by you usually try to get skinny and let them by. What fucks me up is when they stop right behind you as if there was enough room for you both. That's what this lady did. All of a sudden when you stop clenching you end up rubbing asses together. I'm not sure but I think there is a marriage ceremony that involves rubbing buttcheeks somewhere in the world.

P.S. I forgot to mention the other day when this young girl got on the bus. She paid a dollar and sat down. The driver was like "Whoa, what makes you think your fare is a dollar?" She said she was going to orientation. She was wearing one of those dresses that make your ass clap when you walk. It was very provocative so I can see why the driver doubted that she was a student. Maybe I misheard her now that I think back. Maybe she said she was going in for "whore"rientation.

Close call

I didn't ride the bus today. How is it that you have a bus story for us then, you say? Well, I was walking to the store and talking on the phone. I was getting really close to the curb because I was about to cross the street. All of a sudden a bus came within 6 inches of hitting me. I think the bus drivers have been reading my stories and they have put a hit out on me.

Skitch Skitch Skeet

So I haven't talked about riding the bus in a while. The main reason is that since I changed my Dialysis schedule I haven't seen that much tomfoolery because people that are up that early in the morning are either on their way to work or on their way home.

With that being said I was on my way home and this guy was on the back shouting out random old song lines. "I know you want to leave me, but I refuse to let you go!" I tried to ignore him but then a drunk old lady got on and started a conversation with him. WTF?! I kept looking back in disbelief and this guy across from me kept chuckling. When we both got off at the dame stop we had a quick laugh about it until I saw him go to a Red Eye Machine (that is a free newspaper here in Chicago) and take HALF of the papers out and walk down the street with them tucked under his arm. Did that guy just steal FREE newspapers?

Fast forward to my trip home today. I get on the bus and go to the back because it was a bit crowded. When I sit down there is a little girl playing with a balloon animal she got from a trip with her mother. Aww, how cute you say? I thought it was too until she started twisting the balloons. **skritch** **skritch skritch skritch** I glance in her general direction. **skritch** Little girl I'm going to pop your balloon animal and make you cry. **skritch** Finally we get to the last stop and this same little girl is taking her sweet time getting off the bus. I wonder to myself how I will explain to the police why I punted this girl across the bus terminal.

P.S. So I'm walking home from the bus terminal and tell me why I got hit in the face with ketchup where a bus passed me and ran over the ketchup pack and it burst on me?

Masterpiece Theater

So I'm riding the train back from the DEEP Westside with DJ Greedy and there were a large group of young lesbians that got on with us. How do I know they were lesbians, you ask? Well the large group of dirty boys that got on were complaining that the girls were cockblocking them so either they were or they were faking the funk to avoid the boys. Anyway, all of a sudden they start acting out some type of play or something in the middle of the train. It was crazy like I was on Broadway or Shakespeare in the Park because all I needed was a song and dance number. I guess you could call them "Thespian Lesbians."

Well, after they got off there was this kid filming another kid with his camera phone and the one being filmed said he was going to pull the little red ball at the door. For those of you unfamiliar with the "little red ball," that is the emergency door release on all buses and trains. His plan was to jump off the train while still moving onto the platform while it was being filmed. "That's how you get 'Facebook Famous'," he stated while prepping for the jump. Now granted, he did do it but the train had already slowed to about 5 miles an hour. My question is where were the friggin' Cops? I crossed from one car to another, something that 100's of thousands of Chicagoans had done over the decades and I got a friggin' ticket and a court date. THIS idiot channels Super Dave Osborne and gets away with it. Where is the justice?

Well, I was talking to this nice couple (hi guys if you found my blog) and there is the strongest smell of Loud that travels my way. For those of you that don't partake, "Loud" is a type of Marijuana that smells really bad. The best way I can describe it would be Skunk piss (you know how it smells when a skunk is in the area? My Tennessee people will know that smell) or even Buck Scent for my hunter friends. AND THEY SMOKE THAT SHIT IN PUBLIC!!! Suddenly this guy asks me if I'm ever around some neighborhood on the westside and I'm like "no." He insists that he has seen me before. My head gets big and I'm thinking "this is a fan" up until he says that I bummed some change off him. Me? Asking for change? Only if I were campaigning for Obama.

So before I get off the train I see this guy that looks like Tommy from the Martin Lawrence show. He had a very strong resemblance and I was joking about it until I saw the back of his baseball jersey. "35 Thomas."

Let that man drive the bus...

As a member of the "African American" community I feel that I must address what I feel is becoming an issue regarding bus drivers. It seems that other "African Americans" feel the need to get over on their own people or more like they feel that we need to look out for each other at the detriment of the person who is actually doing something normal or positive. This "look out for a brother" mentality is, at best, a remnant of a time when we were more like infiltrators in a society not our own and not regular members of a society that does not care if we succeed or not and wants us to assimilate so as to not be a burden.

The problem is that when our brothers and sisters ride the bus they know exactly how much it is but they want to "slide" on the fair and if the driver, who is just trying to do his or her job, doesn't allow it then they are called all sorts of derogatory names and, in some cases, threatened with bodily harm. This happens daily and on most routes considered "in the hood." Surprisingly, this does not happen in more affluent neighborhoods or with other races that I'm aware. If you have data on that please let me know.

Now the bus is not the only place I notice this issue but it's where I notice it the most. I feel the job of being a busdriver is stressful enough without your own people threatening to do bodily harm over not having the correct change to get on the bus (or just not wanting to pay). I feel that you knew how much it was before you saw the bus coming and you had plenty of time to get change, break bills or secure a pass. Drivers even have shields installed to keep riders from having direct access to them. Soon they will need full time armed guards riding with them all because of a fringe of Black society that wants to get over where they can.

Rant over.  Please return to your seats.  Thank you.

Featuring the Solid Gold Dancers

So I was coming from Dialysis on my way to the Tattoo shop. Everything was going smooth until the bus was about to pull up. The bike that was on the front of the bus in the bike rack apparently decided to commit suicide and threw itself under the bus. The bike seemed to be alright but the owner wanted to make a big deal of it and complain. It was his fault in the first place for not securing it in the rack properly (this was the second time it fell off) so the driver had to make everyone get off his bus and wait for the next one.

My question is, if you have a bike why are you riding the bus anyway?

Now once it was time to go home I was sitting near a guy that had to be all of 350 pounds. He was listening to his favorite song on his tiny radio earbuds and the spirit of the dance caught him unaware. All of a sudden he starts moving around as if he was trying out to be on of the Solid Gold Dancers. Dude had some serious moves to be so big. I just couldn't see him in gold sequined leotards and pink leg warmers.

The leg warmers came with the outfit.  Hair spray not included.

Angry Pee

So I was going to Dialysis on the bus this morning. It was early and nothing was happening because only people with jobs and someplace to go are on the bus that early in the morning. You see the same people that early so you get used to them. Anyway I get to the Garfield station where all the shuttles stop and I thought that I was not going to have anything to tell you guys up until I see this rather rotund woman being escorted off the shuttle by a transit cop. This is odd because the shuttle is free so unless you are cutting up or acting a fool there is no reason to get kicked off the bus. Well, they are going back and forth at each other. The woman is yelling about how her rights are being violated and the cop is saying how she is about to violate her foot up her ass if she doesn't get off the bus. It was all about par for course up until the rotund woman walked to the street, PULLED DOWN HER SWEATS and proceeded to urinate on the ground. Wait, you didn't hear me right. SHE PEED ON THE STREET with her natural born ass hanging out in front of about 30 people. It was an angry pee, too!

So this guy walks up to her to ask why she was kicked off the bus (totally ignoring the fact that he just saw her ass) but he wasn't really hearing anything she said because he was so excited that the cop blew him a kiss (she was very attractive and he tried to get her to frisk him by admitting that he had all sorts of drugs on him) and how he was "the man" for that action. She was not impressed in the least because it was the same cop that kicked her off the bus in the first place.

P.S.  I was asked by a friend to explain "angry pee."   Angry Pee is a hot, forceful pee that LOOKS as if it smells of asparagus and Boone's Farm.

No sandwich for you!

So I'm riding the bus.  Again. I was making a delivery to a store and I stop at a Jimmy Johns.  These guys make really fast sandwiches and I figured I had time before the bus arrived.  I get on the bus and the bus driver felt the urge to tell me that I can't eat on the bus.  Now I usually don't get upset about drivers doing their jobs but I did feel singled out because I was the only Black guy on the bus (the driver was Black, too).  I responded "I know" but I wish that I had something really intelligent to say in retrospect.  I really became upset when I witnessed this older, White lady snacking on some pretzels and even more upset when I saw the bus drivers pull a pop ("soda" for you East coasters and "Cold Drink" for you Southerners) out of the little bag where you discard old fare cards.  How is she going to tell me I can't eat and everybody and their Mother is snacking up a storm on this Motherstanker?  (Yes, that is my word and you can't have it!)

Just then a lady gets on the bus with an impossibly large balloon and I forgot all about my sandwich.  This balloon was so large....(How large was it?)...that is needed it's own bus pass.  I knew none of you would believe me so I took a picture of it.

So, on my way back a security guard gets on with his K-9 partner.  My question is:  If the dog has a muzzle so he can't bite you, what good is he in stopping someone from doing something?  Is the muzzle a quick release thing or is he stuck until the  guard can take it off?  I figure if he can't bite me then I'm not scared of him.  I think he felt my contempt.

Parade day

So I'm riding the bus and it was parade day for the back to school parade so the buses were overcrowded and rerouted for the parade. We are packed on the front of the bus like sardines (even though the rear has seats and space available) and this guy next to me smells of sour feet, old cheese and crushed dreams and I'm just praying that the other people don't think it's me. Dude, get up off me!

Anyway, the bus stops short of the last stop and the driver says, "This bus is going to the Green/Red line. If you want to go further please board the bus next to us." A lady asks, "Is that bus going to Washington Park?"

The driver repeats his instructions, "This bus is going to the Green/Red line. If you want to go further please board the bus next to us."

"Is that bus going to Washington Park?"

"THIS BUS is going to the Green/Red line. If you want to go further please board the bus NEXT TO US!!!"

The lady gets off at the Green/Red line. Washington Park is about 150 feet from that stop.

That's snot funny

So I was riding the bus and I missed the shuttle by about 10 seconds. That was OK because I was an hour early. What I didn't like is that same bus almost ran me over when I got to the terminal. I think the bus driver didn't like the look of my face.

Anyway, on my way back I decide to go to work and I took the train. I had just left Dialysis so I wasn't up to climbing the stairs. I took the elevator instead. My question is: Why must people use the elevator as an emergency restroom? Standing in a puddle of pee is not my idea of a good day. Once I got to the platform I notice this guy with a Summer cold. Poor guy. He was using that tissue to clean what appeared to be his frontal lobe then he threw the tissue on the tracks. How rude! The trash can was not even 10 feet away! Imagine standing under the train tracks and a wad of snot paper hits you on top of your head. I'd be pissed! He must have noticed me giving him the stink eye because he threw the next piece in the trash.

So I get on the bus and I see a wash cloth on the floor. WTH?! What was being washed with that cloth? I was afraid to touch it for fear of ball sweat or coochie condensation. Ew.

On the trip home I see this guy on he starts to snap. When I say "snap" i don't mean like "go off" or anything. I mean snap like he was in the Sharks or the Jets and someone was about to rumble. Honestly I thought he was going to bust out singing "For The Longest Time" like he was at a Billy Joel revival. (I would have joined in if he did.)

I didn't know Toni took public transit

So I was riding the bus back from the West Side and this guy gets on dressed in a Canary Yellow outfit. Now don't get me wrong, it was a normal outfit for Chicago other than the color. What I really want to know is where do you find Canary Yellow plaid shorts? Is there a special Men's store?

Anyway, dude gets on the bus and I notice that he is talking to himself and saying general stuff. I didn't trip on it because I talk to myself sometimes. What got me was when he started quoting Toni Braxton songs. Did this dude just say "Seven whole days?"

Just to be "fare"

So I was riding the bus today and these two "young ladies" boarded with their children in strollers. One payed a dollar and went to sit and the bus driver told her it was $1.75. She stated that all she had was a dollar and proceeded to sit. The driver told her that the bus was not moving until she paid her full fare or get off the bus. She told him that he "was trippin' " and to pull off. An older lady jumped in and said that she was holding everybody up and she needed to pay her fare like everyone else on the bus. As the "young lady" started to cuss both her and the bus driver, a one-eyed man jumped in to tell her she was wrong and she needed to pay. The girl started to do generic gang gestures and making general threats of what would happen to whomever touched her. Personally, I don't know what dude did or what happened to him that he ended up with one eye but I wouldn't want to piss off a one-eyed man on a bus.

The epidemic of crack

So I'm riding the bus and it is an uneventful ride.  It was so boring that I was ready to fall asleep until this Amazon boarded.  She seemed normal other than her height until she passed me and I witnessed what I would estimate to be approximately 6 to 8 inches of booty crack.  Now I understand that in this age of low rise jeans that women don't have many options outside of "Mom jeans" but what is the socially acceptable amount of booty crack that a woman can show without being offensive or obscene?  What if you have a "high or long" booty crack?  Personally, I like women's booty crack in crack friendly circumstances.  If it were up to me ass out jeans for women would be legal (as long as your ass is hair free).

No handles

So I was on the bus stop the other day and this lady is coming home from some quick shopping with her three kids.  Her son is bouncing a basketball and being a little boy in general.  The ball bounces out in the street and a pickup truck runs over it and it explodes.  She gets mad AT THE DRIVER for running over her son's ball and yells at him to roll down his window!  Dude is like "I no speak the English" on her (dude was driving a corporate truck for a company that would have required him to be an English speaking US citizen so he was just trying to get out of there) and drives off.   As he drives off one of the kids throws a water bottle at the truck that lands in the cargo bed.  She then turns to me to get some type of assurance that she was in the right.  Why are you looking at me, lady?  I was ready to punt that ball across the park the first few bounces. 

Kicked kicks

So I'm riding the bus and everything is going along very smoothly. Suddenly someone brings to my attention the fact that someone left their gym shoes on the bus. I figured that they must be rancid or something and they wanted to get rid of them but there seemed to be absolutely nothing wrong with them, other than being Pumas!

Mickey Mouse ears and Guy Code

So I'm riding the bus leaving the G.E.T.O. DJ'z Meeting and it's one of those buses with the sideways seats.  It's supposed to be designed so that it gives more room to people that stand.  What it really does is give more room to people that don't want to sit next to anyone.  So I'm sitting with one seat empty to my right and two seats empty to my left.  This mother and son get on the bus and she sits him on the side with the two empty seats leaving me with a one seat buffer between me and him while she sat opposing us.  I'm ok with this until this kid starts swinging this Mickey Mouse doll around and it's hitting me.  I don't want to say anything to the mother because I didn't want any Black Girl attitude and I didn't want to say anything to the kid because the mother would have went off on me.  Pow.  Pow.  Pow.  If this kid hits me again I'm going to rip the ears off his doll and punch him in the head.  As I contemplate how hard I'm going to punch this kid a little girl plops down next to me.  She's tiny so she's not all up on me so I'm ok with this.

Before I could punch the other kid a big lady plops down in the other seat between us.  At least she is getting pummeled by the first kid.  Now the bus driver is getting heavy on the brakes and I keep leaning towards this tiny, little girl.  I'm trying to not lean on her and my buttcheeks are clinching hard trying to keep balance.  I don't want this lttle girl to think I'm on some perv shit and get traumatized forever thinking she is going to get smothered.

Before we get to my stop a guy gets on the bus and stands in the front.  He is getting off in a few stops so he doesn't bother to sit.  After a few stops a fat guy gets on the bus.  He has the same idea and doesn't bother to sit down but he stands in front of the first guy.  Their stomachs are about one inch apart due to the second guys large belly and the first guy is getting nervous.  The second guy is in clear violation of Guy Code as the first guy tries to position himself so that they are not standing in each other's "Dick zone."  I felt uncomfortable for the guy myself.

I get to 79th and the Dan Ryan and I'm waiting for the bus.  And waiting.  And waiting.  While I was waiting I notice a girl on the opposite bus stop with what we used to call "coochie cutters" on (Daisy Dukes to my Southern Friends)and her buttcheeks are hanging out of the bottom.  Even the girl standing next to me was giving her the stink eye.  Now don't get me wrong, I like buttcheeks like the next guy but sometimes you can show a little TOO much in public.  She wasn't cold at all because her ass was very hot from all the "eye radiation" she was getting.

As we waited for the bus a supervisor came by in his truck and told us that the buses were detoured because of an accident aand we were to move to the next bus stop.  We walk over and cross to Lafayette just to see the bus we were waiting for pull up to the stop we just left.  The supervisor was probably watching and laughing his ass off.  Ass.

P.S.  Why is it that people with long legs want to sit in the middle part of the bus?  The long stretch buses have a midsection that folds like an accordion and there are two seats on each side.  For some reason people with long legs like to sit there which gives on room to anyone that wants to pass that section. If someone can answer that question for me I would be much obliged.

Smell you later

So I was riding the bus and this lady's perfume was incredibly strong.  I mean REALLY strong. So strong that I can't remember anything else that happened on the bus other than this smell. My eyes were burning, my throat was dry and itchy and I had trouble breathing.  This smell was so strong I could hear how funky it was.  Dang, lady, did you store your perfume in a bucket  in the closet, reach for it and spill the whole thing on you?  I watched as this guy got up to get off the bus.  I secretly wished that was me but I had to endure further.  Wait a second.  The smell is gone.  It wasn't the lady behind me.  It was the DUDE in front of me.  WTF?!?!  That still doesn't explain the whiffs of rotten crotch I was getting while he was on the bus which left with him as well.  I guess it was bubonic balls I was smelling.

Guess what happened today

Today I didn't ride the bus at all.  The End. 

I can't get any skinnier

So I'm coming home on the bus and this lady has a stroller on the bus. this is not uncommon but usually people let the really big strollers use the disable seating area if there is no wheelchair on the bus. Now what was strange about this was there were two strollers on the bus. The little bitty folding stroller was in the seating area. The really big cadillac of strollers was right where the passengers board between the wheelwell and and the driver. I had to squeeze my fat ass between this little bitty ass space. What is even worse is the girl with the small ass stroller had to get off the bus using the rear exit (she was mad about that) and when the space freed up the lady STILL had her big as stroller right in the same spot. Not only that but she had two other kids on the bus, one of which was harrassing this lady trying to play with her phone. Lady, I need you to control your kids, get a minivan and stop having kids until you learn to use space efficiently! Here is a picture of this lady being special:

Criminal Minded, loud and fresh nuts

So I was riding the bus today.  This day was special because I was going to court for getting a ticket for crossing between train cars (!) and I had to see what the fine was.  So I get to Roosevelt and I get off to change to the Red Line.  I ask a police officer for directions and he tells me I should have stayed on the train.  Then he gave me very good directions and I made my 10:30 court time at 10:32am.  The city lawyers take a look at the ticket and decide not to pursue it because it was not filled out properly.  (Yay!)  So now I have time on my hands and I decide to go get some supplies to make some House Head t-shirts.  The problem was that the supply place was so far north that I was almost out of the city.

So I get on the bus  to get to Pulaski Road and this girl is singing (or I believe it was singing because I could not detect any gunshot or stab wounds and no one was attacking her) and she answers her phone.  Here's the thing about taking on the phone on the bus:  Use your inside voice otherwise you might as well put it on speaker phone.  By the time this girl finished her conversation I knew these things about her:

1.  Her birthday is July 2.
2.  She wants the "new Mike's."
3.  The guy that was on the phone was not her boyfriend.
4.  The guy on the phone wanted to get a room instead.
5.  She said that he could save that money and give it to her because they could "do it" at her house.
6.  Sex was a suitable substitute gift for her birthday.  She was very interested in getting that ding-a-ling from dude.

So once I get to Pulaski I'm going north and this lady gets on with her kid.  She immediately makes an unpleasant face like she smells something nasty.  Throughout the trip she keeps changing seats getting closer and closer to the back where I'm sitting.  Apparently she could not tell where the smell was located and was trying to get away from it.  When she gets to the seat next to me she looks directly at my crotch and frowns and then sits down.  WTF?!  Why are you frowning at my junk?  I assure you lady that MY nuts are squeaky clean and minty fresh!

So on my way back I get on the train.  On some stops the doors open on the inside and some outside.  I was standing near the door and it got pretty crowded.  There was a pretty skinny girl standing across from me.  When I say "pretty skinny girl" I mean she was skinny but also pretty, not pretty skinny.  Anyway there was also a heavy girl standing right next to me.  I wasn't bothered by this at first because it was crowded but once the crowd thinned she was still standing practically on top of me!  (In my head I'm hearing the Police's "Don't Stand So Close To Me.")  I'm like Dang lady get up off me!  Then the train gets to the part of the track where the passengers board at the side I'm on and me and skinny girl have to make room to let people off.  Is she laughing at me trying to hold my gut in?  Skip you, skinny girl.  You ain't THAT cute.

Picking fights and roaming Masters

So I'm riding the bus to go to my meeting with the G.E.T.O DJZ INC and everything is nice and smooth.  All of a sudden this guy who appeared to be down on his luck takes off his sweater and and starts beating on the rear exit door like he wanted to get off.  The bus driver stops and HE DOES NOT GET OFF!  Suddenly he starts pacing back and forth frantically and talking to himself.  It's as all of his meds wore off at the same, exact time because he was super calm prior to that.  THEN this guy picks a fight with A FAMILY.  When I say a family I mean Dad, Mom and Baby.  The Dad wants to kick his ass but when dude started speaking greasy to the Mom it seemed as she wanted a piece of him, too.  I think the only one that didn't want to fight was the toddler. (Then again the toddler looked like a real shin kicker!)  When the bus driver asks if there is a problem and if they all needed to be kick off the bus the guy starts cussing out the driver and the rest of the bus exclaiming that "This isn't my life." and "I have guys in other states ready to move on my command!"  Apparently down on their luck guys have either a secret mafia or maybe some sort of union.

Well, I figure it's done and the rest of the ride will be easy after that.  Then there is a drunk Black guy apparently practicing some form of Tai Chi on the Orange Line platform.  If I didn't know better he might have been a Drunken Master!  You can't tell these days but I thought they would drink better wine than the rot-gut he was drinking.

After making it to my destination and having the meeting, DJ Greedy decides to join me on the West Side.  Naturally nothing happens when Greedy is around so I begin to suspect that he thinks I make this stuff up.  When we split up I get on the shuttle and what do I see?  A microwave sitting in the front of the bus like it's going somewhere.  I look around to see if there is a human attached but it's just sitting there.  I figured it was too much even for one of MY stories so I took a picture (see bus riding microwave picture).

Bus riding microwave

Pet Peeves

Ok.  Since I was on the bus yesterday and nothing of worth happened I'm going to talk about stuff I don't like that happens on the bus.

1.  Large people standing in the exit door.  Look, I'm guilty of this, too.  When there is no room to stand you go to the exit door where you can at least breath but if you are a large person NO ONE CAN LEAVE OUT OF THE EXIT!!  YOu should see it when people try to get off the bus.  Super extra large people trying their best to get skinny.

2.  People listening to their phone MP3 players without headphones.  I don't want to hear the best of Lil' Wayne while I'm already being tortured by just RIDING the bus and I certainly don't want to hear YOU mess up the lyrics trying to rap along.  This is why they don't have Rap Karaoke night at the local bar.

These are not that expensive.

3.  Selfish people sitting in their seats with a tiny, ass bag next to them taking up a whole seat just because they don't want anyone sitting next to them.  This also goes for people stretching their legs across both seats like they are at home watching TV.  Cut that shit out.

Like this shit...

...and this.

4.  Fat people sitting next to me.  Look, it's just plain basic math.  If my butt takes up 1 1/3 of a seat and YOUR butt takes up 1 1/3 of a seat someone's buttcheek is going to be out in the aisle.  Find a skinny person to sit next to.

It's only funny in the movies.

5.  White people that act as though they are scared to sit next to a black person. Look, I get it.  Some of us are a little scary with all our dreads, snazzy talk, Hip Hop and our buttcheeks hanging out of our sagging pants but most of us are over all that Black Power stuff and just want a white friend or two.  Heck, I have tons of white friends and they don't even mind me being a black guy.  Hug a black guy today!

Black Power

6.  Women that hold up the entire line when boarding the bus just to find their bus pass.  WTF?!?!  You saw the mickey fickey bus coming.  You knew you were getting on the bus.  You gave all the men the "aren't you going to let me on the bus first?" guilt trip look.  Then you get on the bus and have to look for your bus pass?  You add like 1/2 hour to my travel time everyday. Put your bus pass in your bra like you do your money.  Now THAT I wouldn't mind seeing on a daily basis.

There is a lady looking for her bus pass in the front of that line.

7.  People getting the urge to testify on the bus.  Look, I'm happy you found religion but find it on the street corner like every other guy ranting about religion.  don't do it on the bus or train where I can't get away from you.  I have my own beliefs and I'm quite fond of them.  This goes for you sports commentators, too!  Your team is in the playoffs for the first time in five decades and now you are an expert on sports statistics?  GTFOOH!

8.  People that eat on the bus and discard their trash on the bus floor.  This one has a special place in my heart because sometimes I eat on the bus but I always take my trash with me.  The nastiest thing I see is ripped up bags from Harold's Chicken with B-B-Q sauce drenched bones sitting on a seat just so the next asshole can come along and push it off onto the floor.   I hate seeing a pile of saliva  infused sunflower seed shells too!  Cut THAT shit out!

9.  Tall people's knees in the aisle.  Look, I get it.  You are tall.  Yay!  How do you have the nerve to give ME the stink eye because I have to ask you to move your fucking long ass knees out of the way so I can get to an empty seat?

Ok, maybe not this guy but you know what I mean.

10.  Young black girls cussing like sailors.  What the Flying FUCK?!?  I've been around my share of professional cussers and I've not heard this level of obscenity all in one place and on top of that YOU ARE LOUD!!  Shit, cut that out!  We see you!

What did she just say?

Ok, that's it for now.  I'm tired and need a nap.  Wake me up when we get to my stop.

Riding on the bus with DJ Greedy

So I was on the bus with my buddy DJ Greedy and nothing happened.  The End.

Movie night for the bus rider

So it started out as a wonderful day.  The only thing I saw that was strange to me was this dude that was wearing the skinniest of skinny jeans.  These jeans were so skinny that I don't think they existed in this dimension.  There could not have been any legs in them.  I still don't know how he got his feet through the ankle holes.  I think he detached them and put his legs into the jeans and reattached them afterwards.

So I'm coming home from the movies ("The Internship" is a fun movie for Family and Friends alike!) and I'm going to take the Green Line.  As I get close I notice I just missed a Green Line train so I decide on the Red Line instead.  Before I could make my way down the stairs I feel the "I just missed my train" wind in my face coming from the tunnel.  Green Line it is.  So I get to the Green Line and I wait.  And wait.  And wait.  It must have been all of 10 minutes.  I notice a guy all decked out in an "Army Strong" jacket and matching hat.  I give him the "I served too" nod but he gives me the "The is my nephew's jacket and I'm wearing it because it matched and my shit was dirty" glance.  Oh, well.  Thanks for the support anyway.

So when the train finally comes I get on with no issues whatsoever.  Hmmm.  Is this going to be the pleasant ride I was promised in the brochures?  We'll see.  Anyway I get to the shuttle terminal and there is exactly one bus there.  Where the hell is MY bus?  "Oh that stopped running at 1am."  It's like 1:05.  Ok what am I supposed to do?  "Well THIS bus makes all the shuttle stops."  The guy in front of me asks the bus driver if this is true.  The bus driver is like "I go non-stop to 95th."  As the complete shit is about to hit the fan she realizes she is the overnight person and corrects herself and answers in the positive.  Lady, you don't know how many bitches and hoes you were about to be just then.  Anyway, we all board.

So we are going the night route and this guy is at the back door trying to get off what seems to be EVERY stop.  The bus driver finally gets tired of the buzzing from the alarm and the fact that the guy didn't hear her say that the next stop was 79th (because he was on the phone) and tries to let him off.  He doesn't notice that the bus has stopped and just stands there like so much idiot in a pile of idiot.  She starts driving again and finally gets to 79th.  As we all get off this one guy decides to tell me HIS horrible train story about some guy who decided to spit everything he could get into his mouth onto another guy and insists on giving me a fist bump every time he makes a point.  Dude.  I don't know where your fist has been.  Keep that shit to yourself.  He follows me to the bus stop and continues with the story all the way up to the bus then abruptly walks away.  I guess he is going to write about me in his blog...or go drink some more.

We are a part of the Pizza Nation

So I decide to go over to my long time friend's house to visit him and his family. I get to the place where I should be able to get a bus directly to his house and I discover to my gigantic surprise that the recent changes to the red line totally JACKED this bus route up. That's ok because I like a challenge. So I'm riding and this dude gets on the bus. Did this dude just Pop lock check me? I think I've just been challenged to a Janet Jackson "Rhythm Nation" dance off! WHAT?!?!?!!? Dude is lucky I didn't have my dancing shoes on.

What?!?!

Anyway when I decide to leave I'm standing at the bus shelter and the Right Tackle for the Chicago Hefty Hoes is standing uncomfortably close in front of me. She is complaining on the phone about how it's raining and she didn't bring her umbrella. She keeps bumping up against the shelter glass and I'm worried that we are both going to crash through. Once we get on the bus it seems that everyone on the East side is riding the same bus. I finally get a seat and I'm sitting next to this woman who has her child on her lap. She is trying to adjust so that the child can continue sleeping which makes ME have to adjust. Dang, lady. I'm already one 1 1/2 buttchecks here, my nutsack is getting pinched something awful and this bus driver is stopping at EVERY FRIGGIN' STOP.

Pizza Hut on the bus

After my Dialysis treatment I go back to my buddy's house. I decide to get a pizza for us and I stop to pick it up. I looked like a broke ass delivery driver that couldn't afford a vehicle. Getting on a bus with two pizza boxes gets a lot of unwanted attention. I got dirty looks from a guy with a cane, a wannabe thug who looked really hungry and a big chick that was on the cute side but I don't think I could have afforded feeding her long term. So I'm trying to figure out how to get to my destination and I finally decide to take an alternate route. As it turns out this is the bus I should have been taking all along. Oh and I almost got mugged by a pair of Filipino women who happened to like pizza.

The Gospel According To Tupac

So today I took a 2 hour trip to nowhere because my Dialysis clinic broke down. On the way there I was subjected to the Gospel according to Tupac, or at least one of his wine swilling disciples. It started like this: this guy is trying his hardest to remember the lyrics to "I Ain't Mad At Cha" which lead into him feeling that he had to testify. Now I'm all about freedom of speech as long as it doesn't trample on another person's freedom to not hear that bullshit. If you want to testify in the middle of a field where I can go if I want to hear you that is fine. Doing it on the bus where I can't escape is another thing.

So I'm about to get off the bus and the WIDEST bus driver ever gets on the back and just fucking stands there in the doorway. Why is it that fat people think they can just stand in the middle of something and clog up the walkway? Anyway, I'm already pissed because Fatter-than-me bus lady blocked my escape when I hop on the shuttle and I have to put up with some lady telling all her business using her phone. MAN! I get to the treatment center and they tell me "it's broke" so I have to turn around.

On the trip back I hear the faint sound of one of those tiny ass phone radios (I hate those) and I give this guy the hairy eyeball for playing it. I suddenly realize that it's not the young guy but another guy around MY age. You muddafucka! Oh, well I don't have time because NOW I have to run to catch the next bus and I get mad because I think he didn't hear me yell (I hope he didn't hear me call him a fucker) and he made me run. I was mad, that is, until I saw the guy with NO LEGS in the wheelchair when I got on. (Shamed!) Then when we get to that man's stop and the driver is trying to lower the ramp some mother and her young daughter tries to get on ignoring the warning and the baby almost gets CATAPULTED out of the bus. Man, what a day and it's not even 1pm.