No handles

So I was on the bus stop the other day and this lady is coming home from some quick shopping with her three kids.  Her son is bouncing a basketball and being a little boy in general.  The ball bounces out in the street and a pickup truck runs over it and it explodes.  She gets mad AT THE DRIVER for running over her son's ball and yells at him to roll down his window!  Dude is like "I no speak the English" on her (dude was driving a corporate truck for a company that would have required him to be an English speaking US citizen so he was just trying to get out of there) and drives off.   As he drives off one of the kids throws a water bottle at the truck that lands in the cargo bed.  She then turns to me to get some type of assurance that she was in the right.  Why are you looking at me, lady?  I was ready to punt that ball across the park the first few bounces. 

Kicked kicks

So I'm riding the bus and everything is going along very smoothly. Suddenly someone brings to my attention the fact that someone left their gym shoes on the bus. I figured that they must be rancid or something and they wanted to get rid of them but there seemed to be absolutely nothing wrong with them, other than being Pumas!

Mickey Mouse ears and Guy Code

So I'm riding the bus leaving the G.E.T.O. DJ'z Meeting and it's one of those buses with the sideways seats.  It's supposed to be designed so that it gives more room to people that stand.  What it really does is give more room to people that don't want to sit next to anyone.  So I'm sitting with one seat empty to my right and two seats empty to my left.  This mother and son get on the bus and she sits him on the side with the two empty seats leaving me with a one seat buffer between me and him while she sat opposing us.  I'm ok with this until this kid starts swinging this Mickey Mouse doll around and it's hitting me.  I don't want to say anything to the mother because I didn't want any Black Girl attitude and I didn't want to say anything to the kid because the mother would have went off on me.  Pow.  Pow.  Pow.  If this kid hits me again I'm going to rip the ears off his doll and punch him in the head.  As I contemplate how hard I'm going to punch this kid a little girl plops down next to me.  She's tiny so she's not all up on me so I'm ok with this.

Before I could punch the other kid a big lady plops down in the other seat between us.  At least she is getting pummeled by the first kid.  Now the bus driver is getting heavy on the brakes and I keep leaning towards this tiny, little girl.  I'm trying to not lean on her and my buttcheeks are clinching hard trying to keep balance.  I don't want this lttle girl to think I'm on some perv shit and get traumatized forever thinking she is going to get smothered.

Before we get to my stop a guy gets on the bus and stands in the front.  He is getting off in a few stops so he doesn't bother to sit.  After a few stops a fat guy gets on the bus.  He has the same idea and doesn't bother to sit down but he stands in front of the first guy.  Their stomachs are about one inch apart due to the second guys large belly and the first guy is getting nervous.  The second guy is in clear violation of Guy Code as the first guy tries to position himself so that they are not standing in each other's "Dick zone."  I felt uncomfortable for the guy myself.

I get to 79th and the Dan Ryan and I'm waiting for the bus.  And waiting.  And waiting.  While I was waiting I notice a girl on the opposite bus stop with what we used to call "coochie cutters" on (Daisy Dukes to my Southern Friends)and her buttcheeks are hanging out of the bottom.  Even the girl standing next to me was giving her the stink eye.  Now don't get me wrong, I like buttcheeks like the next guy but sometimes you can show a little TOO much in public.  She wasn't cold at all because her ass was very hot from all the "eye radiation" she was getting.

As we waited for the bus a supervisor came by in his truck and told us that the buses were detoured because of an accident aand we were to move to the next bus stop.  We walk over and cross to Lafayette just to see the bus we were waiting for pull up to the stop we just left.  The supervisor was probably watching and laughing his ass off.  Ass.

P.S.  Why is it that people with long legs want to sit in the middle part of the bus?  The long stretch buses have a midsection that folds like an accordion and there are two seats on each side.  For some reason people with long legs like to sit there which gives on room to anyone that wants to pass that section. If someone can answer that question for me I would be much obliged.

Smell you later

So I was riding the bus and this lady's perfume was incredibly strong.  I mean REALLY strong. So strong that I can't remember anything else that happened on the bus other than this smell. My eyes were burning, my throat was dry and itchy and I had trouble breathing.  This smell was so strong I could hear how funky it was.  Dang, lady, did you store your perfume in a bucket  in the closet, reach for it and spill the whole thing on you?  I watched as this guy got up to get off the bus.  I secretly wished that was me but I had to endure further.  Wait a second.  The smell is gone.  It wasn't the lady behind me.  It was the DUDE in front of me.  WTF?!?!  That still doesn't explain the whiffs of rotten crotch I was getting while he was on the bus which left with him as well.  I guess it was bubonic balls I was smelling.

Guess what happened today

Today I didn't ride the bus at all.  The End. 

I can't get any skinnier

So I'm coming home on the bus and this lady has a stroller on the bus. this is not uncommon but usually people let the really big strollers use the disable seating area if there is no wheelchair on the bus. Now what was strange about this was there were two strollers on the bus. The little bitty folding stroller was in the seating area. The really big cadillac of strollers was right where the passengers board between the wheelwell and and the driver. I had to squeeze my fat ass between this little bitty ass space. What is even worse is the girl with the small ass stroller had to get off the bus using the rear exit (she was mad about that) and when the space freed up the lady STILL had her big as stroller right in the same spot. Not only that but she had two other kids on the bus, one of which was harrassing this lady trying to play with her phone. Lady, I need you to control your kids, get a minivan and stop having kids until you learn to use space efficiently! Here is a picture of this lady being special:

Criminal Minded, loud and fresh nuts

So I was riding the bus today.  This day was special because I was going to court for getting a ticket for crossing between train cars (!) and I had to see what the fine was.  So I get to Roosevelt and I get off to change to the Red Line.  I ask a police officer for directions and he tells me I should have stayed on the train.  Then he gave me very good directions and I made my 10:30 court time at 10:32am.  The city lawyers take a look at the ticket and decide not to pursue it because it was not filled out properly.  (Yay!)  So now I have time on my hands and I decide to go get some supplies to make some House Head t-shirts.  The problem was that the supply place was so far north that I was almost out of the city.

So I get on the bus  to get to Pulaski Road and this girl is singing (or I believe it was singing because I could not detect any gunshot or stab wounds and no one was attacking her) and she answers her phone.  Here's the thing about taking on the phone on the bus:  Use your inside voice otherwise you might as well put it on speaker phone.  By the time this girl finished her conversation I knew these things about her:

1.  Her birthday is July 2.
2.  She wants the "new Mike's."
3.  The guy that was on the phone was not her boyfriend.
4.  The guy on the phone wanted to get a room instead.
5.  She said that he could save that money and give it to her because they could "do it" at her house.
6.  Sex was a suitable substitute gift for her birthday.  She was very interested in getting that ding-a-ling from dude.

So once I get to Pulaski I'm going north and this lady gets on with her kid.  She immediately makes an unpleasant face like she smells something nasty.  Throughout the trip she keeps changing seats getting closer and closer to the back where I'm sitting.  Apparently she could not tell where the smell was located and was trying to get away from it.  When she gets to the seat next to me she looks directly at my crotch and frowns and then sits down.  WTF?!  Why are you frowning at my junk?  I assure you lady that MY nuts are squeaky clean and minty fresh!

So on my way back I get on the train.  On some stops the doors open on the inside and some outside.  I was standing near the door and it got pretty crowded.  There was a pretty skinny girl standing across from me.  When I say "pretty skinny girl" I mean she was skinny but also pretty, not pretty skinny.  Anyway there was also a heavy girl standing right next to me.  I wasn't bothered by this at first because it was crowded but once the crowd thinned she was still standing practically on top of me!  (In my head I'm hearing the Police's "Don't Stand So Close To Me.")  I'm like Dang lady get up off me!  Then the train gets to the part of the track where the passengers board at the side I'm on and me and skinny girl have to make room to let people off.  Is she laughing at me trying to hold my gut in?  Skip you, skinny girl.  You ain't THAT cute.

Picking fights and roaming Masters

So I'm riding the bus to go to my meeting with the G.E.T.O DJZ INC and everything is nice and smooth.  All of a sudden this guy who appeared to be down on his luck takes off his sweater and and starts beating on the rear exit door like he wanted to get off.  The bus driver stops and HE DOES NOT GET OFF!  Suddenly he starts pacing back and forth frantically and talking to himself.  It's as all of his meds wore off at the same, exact time because he was super calm prior to that.  THEN this guy picks a fight with A FAMILY.  When I say a family I mean Dad, Mom and Baby.  The Dad wants to kick his ass but when dude started speaking greasy to the Mom it seemed as she wanted a piece of him, too.  I think the only one that didn't want to fight was the toddler. (Then again the toddler looked like a real shin kicker!)  When the bus driver asks if there is a problem and if they all needed to be kick off the bus the guy starts cussing out the driver and the rest of the bus exclaiming that "This isn't my life." and "I have guys in other states ready to move on my command!"  Apparently down on their luck guys have either a secret mafia or maybe some sort of union.

Well, I figure it's done and the rest of the ride will be easy after that.  Then there is a drunk Black guy apparently practicing some form of Tai Chi on the Orange Line platform.  If I didn't know better he might have been a Drunken Master!  You can't tell these days but I thought they would drink better wine than the rot-gut he was drinking.

After making it to my destination and having the meeting, DJ Greedy decides to join me on the West Side.  Naturally nothing happens when Greedy is around so I begin to suspect that he thinks I make this stuff up.  When we split up I get on the shuttle and what do I see?  A microwave sitting in the front of the bus like it's going somewhere.  I look around to see if there is a human attached but it's just sitting there.  I figured it was too much even for one of MY stories so I took a picture (see bus riding microwave picture).

Bus riding microwave

Pet Peeves

Ok.  Since I was on the bus yesterday and nothing of worth happened I'm going to talk about stuff I don't like that happens on the bus.

1.  Large people standing in the exit door.  Look, I'm guilty of this, too.  When there is no room to stand you go to the exit door where you can at least breath but if you are a large person NO ONE CAN LEAVE OUT OF THE EXIT!!  YOu should see it when people try to get off the bus.  Super extra large people trying their best to get skinny.

2.  People listening to their phone MP3 players without headphones.  I don't want to hear the best of Lil' Wayne while I'm already being tortured by just RIDING the bus and I certainly don't want to hear YOU mess up the lyrics trying to rap along.  This is why they don't have Rap Karaoke night at the local bar.

These are not that expensive.

3.  Selfish people sitting in their seats with a tiny, ass bag next to them taking up a whole seat just because they don't want anyone sitting next to them.  This also goes for people stretching their legs across both seats like they are at home watching TV.  Cut that shit out.

Like this shit...

...and this.

4.  Fat people sitting next to me.  Look, it's just plain basic math.  If my butt takes up 1 1/3 of a seat and YOUR butt takes up 1 1/3 of a seat someone's buttcheek is going to be out in the aisle.  Find a skinny person to sit next to.

It's only funny in the movies.

5.  White people that act as though they are scared to sit next to a black person. Look, I get it.  Some of us are a little scary with all our dreads, snazzy talk, Hip Hop and our buttcheeks hanging out of our sagging pants but most of us are over all that Black Power stuff and just want a white friend or two.  Heck, I have tons of white friends and they don't even mind me being a black guy.  Hug a black guy today!

Black Power

6.  Women that hold up the entire line when boarding the bus just to find their bus pass.  WTF?!?!  You saw the mickey fickey bus coming.  You knew you were getting on the bus.  You gave all the men the "aren't you going to let me on the bus first?" guilt trip look.  Then you get on the bus and have to look for your bus pass?  You add like 1/2 hour to my travel time everyday. Put your bus pass in your bra like you do your money.  Now THAT I wouldn't mind seeing on a daily basis.

There is a lady looking for her bus pass in the front of that line.

7.  People getting the urge to testify on the bus.  Look, I'm happy you found religion but find it on the street corner like every other guy ranting about religion.  don't do it on the bus or train where I can't get away from you.  I have my own beliefs and I'm quite fond of them.  This goes for you sports commentators, too!  Your team is in the playoffs for the first time in five decades and now you are an expert on sports statistics?  GTFOOH!

8.  People that eat on the bus and discard their trash on the bus floor.  This one has a special place in my heart because sometimes I eat on the bus but I always take my trash with me.  The nastiest thing I see is ripped up bags from Harold's Chicken with B-B-Q sauce drenched bones sitting on a seat just so the next asshole can come along and push it off onto the floor.   I hate seeing a pile of saliva  infused sunflower seed shells too!  Cut THAT shit out!

9.  Tall people's knees in the aisle.  Look, I get it.  You are tall.  Yay!  How do you have the nerve to give ME the stink eye because I have to ask you to move your fucking long ass knees out of the way so I can get to an empty seat?

Ok, maybe not this guy but you know what I mean.

10.  Young black girls cussing like sailors.  What the Flying FUCK?!?  I've been around my share of professional cussers and I've not heard this level of obscenity all in one place and on top of that YOU ARE LOUD!!  Shit, cut that out!  We see you!

What did she just say?

Ok, that's it for now.  I'm tired and need a nap.  Wake me up when we get to my stop.

Riding on the bus with DJ Greedy

So I was on the bus with my buddy DJ Greedy and nothing happened.  The End.

Movie night for the bus rider

So it started out as a wonderful day.  The only thing I saw that was strange to me was this dude that was wearing the skinniest of skinny jeans.  These jeans were so skinny that I don't think they existed in this dimension.  There could not have been any legs in them.  I still don't know how he got his feet through the ankle holes.  I think he detached them and put his legs into the jeans and reattached them afterwards.

So I'm coming home from the movies ("The Internship" is a fun movie for Family and Friends alike!) and I'm going to take the Green Line.  As I get close I notice I just missed a Green Line train so I decide on the Red Line instead.  Before I could make my way down the stairs I feel the "I just missed my train" wind in my face coming from the tunnel.  Green Line it is.  So I get to the Green Line and I wait.  And wait.  And wait.  It must have been all of 10 minutes.  I notice a guy all decked out in an "Army Strong" jacket and matching hat.  I give him the "I served too" nod but he gives me the "The is my nephew's jacket and I'm wearing it because it matched and my shit was dirty" glance.  Oh, well.  Thanks for the support anyway.

So when the train finally comes I get on with no issues whatsoever.  Hmmm.  Is this going to be the pleasant ride I was promised in the brochures?  We'll see.  Anyway I get to the shuttle terminal and there is exactly one bus there.  Where the hell is MY bus?  "Oh that stopped running at 1am."  It's like 1:05.  Ok what am I supposed to do?  "Well THIS bus makes all the shuttle stops."  The guy in front of me asks the bus driver if this is true.  The bus driver is like "I go non-stop to 95th."  As the complete shit is about to hit the fan she realizes she is the overnight person and corrects herself and answers in the positive.  Lady, you don't know how many bitches and hoes you were about to be just then.  Anyway, we all board.

So we are going the night route and this guy is at the back door trying to get off what seems to be EVERY stop.  The bus driver finally gets tired of the buzzing from the alarm and the fact that the guy didn't hear her say that the next stop was 79th (because he was on the phone) and tries to let him off.  He doesn't notice that the bus has stopped and just stands there like so much idiot in a pile of idiot.  She starts driving again and finally gets to 79th.  As we all get off this one guy decides to tell me HIS horrible train story about some guy who decided to spit everything he could get into his mouth onto another guy and insists on giving me a fist bump every time he makes a point.  Dude.  I don't know where your fist has been.  Keep that shit to yourself.  He follows me to the bus stop and continues with the story all the way up to the bus then abruptly walks away.  I guess he is going to write about me in his blog...or go drink some more.

We are a part of the Pizza Nation

So I decide to go over to my long time friend's house to visit him and his family. I get to the place where I should be able to get a bus directly to his house and I discover to my gigantic surprise that the recent changes to the red line totally JACKED this bus route up. That's ok because I like a challenge. So I'm riding and this dude gets on the bus. Did this dude just Pop lock check me? I think I've just been challenged to a Janet Jackson "Rhythm Nation" dance off! WHAT?!?!?!!? Dude is lucky I didn't have my dancing shoes on.

What?!?!

Anyway when I decide to leave I'm standing at the bus shelter and the Right Tackle for the Chicago Hefty Hoes is standing uncomfortably close in front of me. She is complaining on the phone about how it's raining and she didn't bring her umbrella. She keeps bumping up against the shelter glass and I'm worried that we are both going to crash through. Once we get on the bus it seems that everyone on the East side is riding the same bus. I finally get a seat and I'm sitting next to this woman who has her child on her lap. She is trying to adjust so that the child can continue sleeping which makes ME have to adjust. Dang, lady. I'm already one 1 1/2 buttchecks here, my nutsack is getting pinched something awful and this bus driver is stopping at EVERY FRIGGIN' STOP.

Pizza Hut on the bus

After my Dialysis treatment I go back to my buddy's house. I decide to get a pizza for us and I stop to pick it up. I looked like a broke ass delivery driver that couldn't afford a vehicle. Getting on a bus with two pizza boxes gets a lot of unwanted attention. I got dirty looks from a guy with a cane, a wannabe thug who looked really hungry and a big chick that was on the cute side but I don't think I could have afforded feeding her long term. So I'm trying to figure out how to get to my destination and I finally decide to take an alternate route. As it turns out this is the bus I should have been taking all along. Oh and I almost got mugged by a pair of Filipino women who happened to like pizza.

The Gospel According To Tupac

So today I took a 2 hour trip to nowhere because my Dialysis clinic broke down. On the way there I was subjected to the Gospel according to Tupac, or at least one of his wine swilling disciples. It started like this: this guy is trying his hardest to remember the lyrics to "I Ain't Mad At Cha" which lead into him feeling that he had to testify. Now I'm all about freedom of speech as long as it doesn't trample on another person's freedom to not hear that bullshit. If you want to testify in the middle of a field where I can go if I want to hear you that is fine. Doing it on the bus where I can't escape is another thing.

So I'm about to get off the bus and the WIDEST bus driver ever gets on the back and just fucking stands there in the doorway. Why is it that fat people think they can just stand in the middle of something and clog up the walkway? Anyway, I'm already pissed because Fatter-than-me bus lady blocked my escape when I hop on the shuttle and I have to put up with some lady telling all her business using her phone. MAN! I get to the treatment center and they tell me "it's broke" so I have to turn around.

On the trip back I hear the faint sound of one of those tiny ass phone radios (I hate those) and I give this guy the hairy eyeball for playing it. I suddenly realize that it's not the young guy but another guy around MY age. You muddafucka! Oh, well I don't have time because NOW I have to run to catch the next bus and I get mad because I think he didn't hear me yell (I hope he didn't hear me call him a fucker) and he made me run. I was mad, that is, until I saw the guy with NO LEGS in the wheelchair when I got on. (Shamed!) Then when we get to that man's stop and the driver is trying to lower the ramp some mother and her young daughter tries to get on ignoring the warning and the baby almost gets CATAPULTED out of the bus. Man, what a day and it's not even 1pm.