So I was riding the bus today. When you ride the bus you will always see someone that has a story about why they don't have the fare. These stories vary from person to person. The part that kills me is you know you don't have the fare but you get on first. You are holding up the ENTIRE line. I think it is a ploy so that the driver will let you board just so you don't hold up the bus with your sob story. The only thing as bad is when people (women) get on the bus and then have to search for the fare or their pass. You were standing on the bus stop for 1/2 an hour, lady. If you didn't want to open your purse at the stop then you should have palmed your pass or fare before you walked up! Sheesh!
Well, I soon forgot about all that because I caught a glimpse of a female that looked pretty damned good. She was the right height, weight, complexion, hell everything or at least I thought so at first. When she turned towards me? BAMM!! I would like to say she was a cougar (and I have nothing against cougars) but you've got to remember, I'm in my late forties. A cougar for me is more like a sabertooth tiger (you know, like a fossil). Still I was like "man, I'll knock the dust off that cootie cat!"
It wasn't until she got off and stood in the daylight did I realize that she wasn't a cougar and that my glasses were just dirty. I think I need some Windex.
Anyway, when I got off to go to Walgreens, there was this guy soliciting change at the stop. He is what we call a "Bucket Boy." That's a guy that takes some drumsticks he smuggled out of his High School and a bucket he got from behind and fast food place that uses pickles and drums on the bucket alternating between that and using the bucket to collect change. THIS guy , however, was drumming up a storm RIGHT NEXT TO THIS GUY'S CAR!! It was crazy! You've got the Bucket Boy drumming furiously and staring at the driver and the driver looking at him like "you've got to do better than that for this 31 cents, kid." It was a battle of wills.
Thumpety Thumpety Thump Thump Thump.
No reaction.
Thumpety Thumpety Thump Thump Thump.
STILL no reaction.
Thumpety Thumpety Thump Thump Thump.
**yawn**
The Bucket Boy was getting nervous because he only knew one cadence and he knew he only had 10 more seconds before the light changed and he opportunity was gone forever. I assume that the guy never gave him that change. I think he was saving up for a gallon of gas.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Then the papa tomato said "ketchup"."
So, sometimes when I write my bus stories I leave stuff out. Not because I am editing or anything noble but simply because I forgot. Take the other day, for instance. I totally forgot about The Walking Dude. Let me explain. This guy is walking the length of the train platform, like the total length, Back and Forth. To and Fro. Hither and Yonder. Aquí y Allá. You get the point. Well, maybe he was just getting his exercise, you say? Maybe I would have bought into that but the guy was walking like he was from the Ministry of Silly Walks (www.youtube.com/watch?v=iV2ViNJFZC8). Every time he would pass me he added another aspect of how silly he was walking. It was so strange that I thought he might have been hoping that someone recorded him doing it to get on one of those viral video shows. (If I record you I get to keep the money!)
Anyway, another time there was this lady that got on the train. She was what I would call a Super Full Figured Woman (BBBW) and she was very forward in her existence. She went to sit down on one of the bench seat son the train and she proclaimed(!) that she, as a big girl, was sitting down. Well, it was more like a warning.the seat was a four person seat but the couple on the end was comprised of a retired Marine and his "bigums" wife. That meant the guy was sandwiched between them. I don't think he minded so much because he likes them round. The guy that might have had a problem was the other guy that was next the the little wall that separates the seats from the door. THAT guy got smashed. He was compressed between that wall and her thighs. Now, Lord knows that I like my women with some weight and curves (only on even numbered days. The odd numbered ones I dig on skinny chicks. I also like them hairy every 5th day and shaved most of the rest of the week. Anyway...) but this chick was fortified. She may have even had a titanium skeleton and bullet proof skin. When the couple got up to leave the train she moved over to their seats. The smashed guy stayed put but he was still smashed! I was pressed up against the wall like the Coyote after he got smashed by a boulder against the base of a cliff. In fact, it was like Jim Carrey in The Mask. I'm telling yo9u I can't make this shit up.So, sometimes when I write my bus stories I leave stuff out. Not because I am editing or anything noble but simply because I forgot. Take the other day, for instance. I totally forgot about The Walking Dude. Let me explain. This guy is walking the length of the train platform, like the total length, Back and Forth. To and Fro. Hither and Yonder. Aquí y Allá. You get the point. Well, maybe he was just getting his exercise, you say? Maybe I would have bought into that but the guy was walking like he was from the Ministry of Silly Walks (www.youtube.com/watch?v=iV2ViNJFZC8). Every time he would pass me he added another aspect of how silly he was walking. It was so strange that I thought he might have been hoping that someone recorded him doing it to get on one of those viral video shows. (If I record you I get to keep the money!)
Anyway, another time there was this lady that got on the train. She was what I would call a Super Full Figured Woman (BBBW) and she was very forward in her existence. She went to sit down on one of the bench seat son the train and she proclaimed(!) that she, as a big girl, was sitting down. Well, it was more like a warning.the seat was a four person seat but the couple on the end was comprised of a retired Marine and his "bigums" wife. That meant the guy was sandwiched between them. I don't think he minded so much because he likes them round. The guy that might have had a problem was the other guy that was next the the little wall that separates the seats from the door. THAT guy got smashed. He was compressed between that wall and her thighs. Now, Lord knows that I like my women with some weight and curves (only on even numbered days. The odd numbered ones I dig on skinny chicks. I also like them hairy every 5th day and shaved most of the rest of the week. Anyway...) but this chick was fortified. She may have even had a titanium skeleton and bullet proof skin. When the couple got up to leave the train she moved over to their seats. The smashed guy stayed put but he was still smashed! I was pressed up against the wall like the Coyote after he got smashed by a boulder against the base of a cliff. In fact, it was like Jim Carrey in The Mask. I'm telling yo9u I can't make this shit up.So, sometimes when I write my bus stories I leave stuff out. Not because I am editing or anything noble but simply because I forgot. Take the other day, for instance. I totally forgot about The Walking Dude. Let me explain. This guy is walking the length of the train platform, like the total length, Back and Forth. To and Fro. Hither and Yonder. Aquí y Allá. You get the point. Well, maybe he was just getting his exercise, you say? Maybe I would have bought into that but the guy was walking like he was from the Ministry of Silly Walks (www.youtube.com/watch?v=iV2ViNJFZC8). Every time he would pass me he added another aspect of how silly he was walking. It was so strange that I thought he might have been hoping that someone recorded him doing it to get on one of those viral video shows. (If I record you I get to keep the money!)
Anyway, another time there was this lady that got on the train. She was what I would call a Super Full Figured Woman (BBBW) and she was very forward in her existence. She went to sit down on one of the bench seat son the train and she proclaimed(!) that she, as a big girl, was sitting down. Well, it was more like a warning.the seat was a four person seat but the couple on the end was comprised of a retired Marine and his "bigums" wife. That meant the guy was sandwiched between them. I don't think he minded so much because he likes them round. The guy that might have had a problem was the other guy that was next the the little wall that separates the seats from the door. THAT guy got smashed. He was compressed between that wall and her thighs. Now, Lord knows that I like my women with some weight and curves (only on even numbered days. The odd numbered ones I dig on skinny chicks. I also like them hairy every 5th day and shaved most of the rest of the week. Anyway...) but this chick was fortified. She may have even had a titanium skeleton and bullet proof skin. When the couple got up to leave the train she moved over to their seats. The smashed guy stayed put but he was still smashed! I was pressed up against the wall like the Coyote after he got smashed by a boulder against the base of a cliff. In fact, it was like Jim Carrey in The Mask. I'm telling you I can't make this shit up.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Dirty looks and dirty moves
So I was riding the bus and I decided to take an alternate route home. I usually don't take such chances but something was warding me off the normal route. Everything was running smoothly from connection to connection until I got to the Ashland bus. It was bit crowded but it was still cool. I notice that people have their favorite seats when riding on the bus and you know it when you are in their favorite seat because they give you what I like to call "the stink eye." They sometimes don't sit,even if there are seats available, and they just hang around the seat where you are sitting. Dang, lady! Normally I would have a fist full of dollars when a female has her crotch in my face and she would not be giving me those types of dirty looks. Well, maybe she would but I'd be preoccupied with ass and titties.
Anyway, speaking of strip clubs, this one lady was sitting calmly next to this guy. A few seats started to open up but she stayed put. That is usually weird for someone to stay in a seat if there is an open one near them and it usually makes the person in the window seat a bit nervous. Suddenly, the seat behind her opened up. In one super-mega-ultra smooth ass move, she grabbed the pole and swung around to the seat behind her and plopped in the window seat. (!) Did she just perform a classic stripperpole move on the bus? It was so quick and professional that I almost didn't catch it. As I replay it in my mind I do believe that she was in the classic one leg out swing around position that all stripper learn in stripper basic training at the stripper academy at Everest College. She was older so she may have been a Professor. (Professor XXX)
Well, when I got to 79th I had to cross the street for the bus. This little, Old lady was next to me at the crosswalk. Did she just check me? I look her over. She has a cane but I think I can take her. The light turned green and she took off! We were neck and neck and I was positioning to pass her but she kept edging me out with that damned cane. I'm not letting this old bat beat me to the corner! I go to make my move and...wait.....did she just hit turbo? This old bat just beat me in the straightaway. I didn't notice that she had on orthopedics and that gave her the edge. I'm going to take you next time, you old biddy!
Anyway, speaking of strip clubs, this one lady was sitting calmly next to this guy. A few seats started to open up but she stayed put. That is usually weird for someone to stay in a seat if there is an open one near them and it usually makes the person in the window seat a bit nervous. Suddenly, the seat behind her opened up. In one super-mega-ultra smooth ass move, she grabbed the pole and swung around to the seat behind her and plopped in the window seat. (!) Did she just perform a classic stripperpole move on the bus? It was so quick and professional that I almost didn't catch it. As I replay it in my mind I do believe that she was in the classic one leg out swing around position that all stripper learn in stripper basic training at the stripper academy at Everest College. She was older so she may have been a Professor. (Professor XXX)
Well, when I got to 79th I had to cross the street for the bus. This little, Old lady was next to me at the crosswalk. Did she just check me? I look her over. She has a cane but I think I can take her. The light turned green and she took off! We were neck and neck and I was positioning to pass her but she kept edging me out with that damned cane. I'm not letting this old bat beat me to the corner! I go to make my move and...wait.....did she just hit turbo? This old bat just beat me in the straightaway. I didn't notice that she had on orthopedics and that gave her the edge. I'm going to take you next time, you old biddy!
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Pimping ain't easy
So I was late for the bus today by about 30 seconds. Dammit. Which way do I go? Do I wait for the next one in 30 minutes. Hell no! Once I begin forward movement, I keep it moving! I decide to take my alternate route which is to take Ashland to the 95th Red Line Station.When i got there the train timetable said that the next train left in 2 minutes and the one after left in 12. After I see the train pulling out the sign changed and the 2 went away and the 12 was replaced by a 10. Swell. I go back upstairs to buy some food and drink and, upon my return to the turnstiles, the thing tells me that I can't go in. WHAT!?!? I try to get the attention of the CTA personnel speaking to two cops. It went something like this.
Me: Excuse me.
CTA person: Yes?
Me: It won't let me through.
CTA person: You have to wait 18 minutes.
Me: You don't understand. I just went through but I came back up to buy something when I missed my train.
CTA person: It's not our fault you missed your train.
Me: I understand that but since I had time I went to buy some food and I need to get to Dialysis,
CTA person: You have to wait 18 minutes
Me: I'm going to miss my appointment.
CTA Person: That's not our fault.
Other CTA person: (scoffs) Fine. (uses her pass)
Me: Excuse me.
CTA person: Yes?
Me: It won't let me through.
CTA person: You have to wait 18 minutes.
Me: You don't understand. I just went through but I came back up to buy something when I missed my train.
CTA person: It's not our fault you missed your train.
Me: I understand that but since I had time I went to buy some food and I need to get to Dialysis,
CTA person: You have to wait 18 minutes
Me: I'm going to miss my appointment.
CTA Person: That's not our fault.
Other CTA person: (scoffs) Fine. (uses her pass)
What the hell? Was is THAT hard? OR are you mad because I interrupted you flirty flirt flirt time with those cops? How sexy can you be in polyester and sensible shoes?? Plus, I didn't know the CTA made a time allotment for being whores on the clock.
Once I get on the train everything seems to settle down and we are underway. This old guy gets on at 79th and he pushes his walker to the opposite door. It's one of those fancy ones with the chair built into it and he sits down immediately fall asleep. It was like a knockout punch. We get to 69th and he is sound asleep but suddenly he wakes as the doors are about to close and says "Son of a bitch" and walks the walker out trailing him. I could have sworn that he was going to faceplant himself but he is apparently a professional and a member of the Nitro Circus because he whips it around without missing a step. Fun averted.
Anyway, the ride home way better. The only thing that happened was I sat across from this Fraternity guy. He was a member of Kappa Alpha Psi Fraternity, Inc. (ΚΑΨ) and he was number 12 in a line of 15 and he was a pretty boy and possibly a nupe but I couldn't tell just by glancing. He had his eye on the lady sitting next to me. Except for her painted on eyebrows she was very attractive and he felt that way as well. He says "Excuse me, miss" but she doesn't hear him due to the earplugs she has. He waits patiently for his opening (or maybe I should say her opening because he was on the hunt). The problem I had with it was that he was staring at her the whole time. Dude! You are making ME nervous for her. He was like a big cat hunting something from the tall grass. As soon as she opened her eyes he hit her with the super smoothness. Cue 70's porn bassline. He mumbled under his breath because if he didn't want to start an orgy with his super pimpness. You know you have to wield that type of mack very carefully.
P.S. I have been informed by some of my friends that I have performed a blatant faux pas to my readers by not concluding that story about the frat guy. For this, I am sorry. I did not stay on the train long enough to see the conclusion of the booty hunt. It was like the part in Raiders of the Lost Ark when the Nazis opened the Ark and Indy had to look away. I was scared that I was witnessing something that needed to stay unwitnessed.
Anyway, the ride home way better. The only thing that happened was I sat across from this Fraternity guy. He was a member of Kappa Alpha Psi Fraternity, Inc. (ΚΑΨ) and he was number 12 in a line of 15 and he was a pretty boy and possibly a nupe but I couldn't tell just by glancing. He had his eye on the lady sitting next to me. Except for her painted on eyebrows she was very attractive and he felt that way as well. He says "Excuse me, miss" but she doesn't hear him due to the earplugs she has. He waits patiently for his opening (or maybe I should say her opening because he was on the hunt). The problem I had with it was that he was staring at her the whole time. Dude! You are making ME nervous for her. He was like a big cat hunting something from the tall grass. As soon as she opened her eyes he hit her with the super smoothness. Cue 70's porn bassline. He mumbled under his breath because if he didn't want to start an orgy with his super pimpness. You know you have to wield that type of mack very carefully.
P.S. I have been informed by some of my friends that I have performed a blatant faux pas to my readers by not concluding that story about the frat guy. For this, I am sorry. I did not stay on the train long enough to see the conclusion of the booty hunt. It was like the part in Raiders of the Lost Ark when the Nazis opened the Ark and Indy had to look away. I was scared that I was witnessing something that needed to stay unwitnessed.
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