Missed opportunities

So I was riding the suburban bus the other day and I realized that I like riding the suburban bus. Not so much for the bus itself because I've come to realize that the suburban buses are run down and old but the passengers are nicer and the women are prettier. Apparently they don't let THOTs on the suburban routes or, if they manage to sneak on, they are Diet THOTs and not full blown. Think less THOTy or, if you prefer, THOT lite. Most of the women I see on the suburban buses seem to be gainfully employed and on the way
to or coming from work. I'll get back to the women after I tell you what I saw this time.

This old guy gets on wearing shorts, knee and elbow pads, a headband and he is carrying a fold up scooter. A. Fold. Up. Scooter. Where the hell is this guy going? I figure he was either going to a skate park or he had just come from one. Now I had not noticed but another old guy with a cane started staring this guy down. It was not a passing glance type of thing but more like old dude was major salty at this guy. I guess he was either jealous of this guy's mobility or just thought he was a damned fool that needed some pants. Whatever it was he had full eye lasers on this guy so much so that the other guy had to sit down before he lost consciousness. Now I know you guys sometimes doubt the stories thinking that I exaggerate the descriptions so I took a pic this time. See below.

Where is this guy going?

Anyway, back to the ladies. While I was watching the potential Old guy kung fu show I failed to notice this super extra mega fine girl that worked at Marshalls. She kept looking back but I thought it was just the conversation I was having with random guys one and two. Now when it comes to the ladies I'm not too swift on the uptake. It's not that I'm painfully shy or anything, it's just that I'm dense to stuff like that.

Well, once we got to the terminal we made our way to the trains and this random ass guys walked passed her and exclaimed "Bitch!" WTF?! That was random as hell. I walk over to her and said, "he wasn't talking to you." She said, "I know he wasn't talking to me," in total sass. mode. I thought I might be able to spark up a conversation but a random ass CTA lady asked her what Marshalls she work at and distracted her from going to the platform. Damn you, you cock blocking random ass CTA lady! Oh well. I got on the train once it got there and, lo and behold. the Marshalls lady was already sitting down (She must be a ninja!). I walked towards the doors and before I could get to the end of the car she tripped me. Was that an attempt at getting my attention? Did I just get the ok? The world will never know! Why, you ask? Because I got distracted by these three drug addled knuckleheads. One guy had this bike straddled across several seats where no one else could sit. The other two sat across from us and next to the Marshalls lady. They were embroiled in a conversation about different types of pills and their effects on people. Suddenly, two of them exchanged pills they were selling in an even swap while I watched in utter amazement. While I'm sure that my mouth was agape, the other guy starts flirting with the Marshalls lady. What?! Hey, buddy, that's MY next ex girlfriend! Not yours!! Damn you, you druggies with nothing to lose! **shakes fist in furious anger and righteous indignation**

The game is to be told, not sold

So I was riding the bus and this girl was riding next to me while on her phone. I assumed she works at McDonalds due to her wearing a McDonalds uniform. I then celebrated my promotion to Captain and began listening to the conversation. She was talking about a co-worker she is at odds with. Apparently, she feels that this co-worker, and every other person she has ever dealt with, speaks to her with disregard and total abandon. Since I'm not one to jump to conclusions I took it upon myself to make a determination of whether or not this young lady deserved such scrutiny. I am certified by the National Ear Hustlers Administration (NEHA for short) to make such assessments and since she felt the need to publicly proclaim that "these bitches need to stop playing with (her)" and as to her query why "these hoes think they can talk any old way " to her needing to be answered, I was obliged to examine the evidence.

The girl stated that the offending girl said that this girl was "slow." I had a question as to what type of slow she meant but the girl's defence let me know which type when she proclaimed that the offender was "slow" and that was the reason the offender still works the front register and only makes $9.25 and hour as opposed to this girl's $10. Now, I'm sorry but I was under the impression that you would want your sharper employees at the Point of Sale, dealing with customers. Apparently, McDonalds Corporation puts its new, unproven employees on the front line handling money and facing customers instead of making fries and flipping burgers in the back.  Since they have billions of dollars and I have three nickles that I rub together, trying to make them breed, I guess they know what they are doing.

Anyway, the girl went on about how the two of them used to be friends but since they moved her to whatever station they had available and started paying her the big bucks things went south between them.  I was starting the feel for this young lady.  Maybe the world IS shitting on her.  Maybe everyone IS talking greasy to her and they need to watch what they say.  Then she said that everything was cool with her and the other girl until she "up and did a '360' on her."  Hmmm/  Looks like we have a winner, folks.  She had me right up until that point.  Now for those of you that don't know why that statement was incorrect, I will explain.  The correct term is 180.  If you do a 180 you are now facing the opposite direction.  If your did a 360 you did a complete circle and you are now facing the exact same direction you were facing in the first place.  Since she feels that other people are slow and she is on point, I submit to you that she is the slow one, everyone else is correct in their assumptions about her and  this fact reflects in the way  they speak to her and they gave her the raise to shut her up about having to clean the bathrooms and make the fries.  

Time traveling pimps and out of pocket hos

So I was waiting for the train and the Traveling Pimp showed up again. I tried to take a pic of the guy but his Pimp Ninja powers were active and the Pimp Force is strong with this one so i couldn't get a good pic. It's as if he knew I planned on taking the picture and purposely wore clothing that would allow him to blend into the train. I did, however, manage to active my brain to take a metal picture and here is what he wore today. his hat was that huge floppy hat that my father calls a "Big Apple" style. It was grey and obscured his face and afro from being viewed from the rear. His shirt was a silk , animal print that billowed outward from his torso. It was fastened at the top button with a rhinestone broach, possibly with a string tie. His pants were high waisted and black with a circulation defying tightness from the waist down to the knee, flaring out at the calves. Pimp!

Well, I figured that this is the norm these day and chalked it up to being free spirited. That's when I realized that we are being visited from the past by time traveling pimps because that first guy was an advanced scout. I saw his commander later that day. THIS guy was wearing something out of the 1800's. Seriously this guy looked like a guy out of a Victorian novel. His hat was a type of soft top hat made from the finest felt. He had round spectacles with dark lenses. (They may have been goggles but I refuse to acknowledge that he may have been a steampunk pimp) He had on a billowy ascot in his black shirt. He also wore long coattails over ANOTHER coattails of equal length. Skinny slacks and short heeled ankle boots rounded out the outfit. If this guy was not from the past, traveling through time and misjudged the attire for this day and age, I'm the next Doctor and the TARDIS is in my backyard. Man, I wish I could have gotten some pics.

Anyway, I get to the bus and board. I usually go one stop ahead of the train station so that I can get a seat. This time the aisle was blocked by a girl with her big, dumb ass stroller. I tried to squeeze by but she stopped me by saying, rather rudely, that she was about to get off. Feeling inconvenienced, I mentioned that she should have folded up the stroller if the spot that is reserved for wheelchairs was taken.

Me: It is illegal to block the aisle with a stroller.

Her: Shit I'm about to get off the damn bus. This is not your bus!

The bus stops and the door opens. I look to see if I can squeeze by.

Her: Shit, man. Get the fuck off the bus.

Me: (Pissed) You are not supposed to have that big ass fucker on the bus blocking up the aisle anyway!

Her: Shut the fuck up before I spit on you, BITCH!! It's not your fucking bus!

Me: (Totally taken aback) Oh, yeah? Well,....I'd like to see that!

I didn't want to see that. I don't know where the hell her mouth has been. I hate when women talk greasy to you because they think that you won't punch them in the face. Well, ok, I wasn't going to punch her in the face but nobody wants to get spat on. I suppose her mouth was safe, though, because If she was a swallower she would not have had the kid in the first place.

Collar popping

So I was riding the bus and, this morning, I was filled with righteous indignation. My early morning bus riding companion was forced to listen to me rail against all that was not right with the world. Blah blah this and blah blah that. I talked all the way to the train and once I got to the platform I continued to rage against the machine all the way up to the point that the player/pimp showed up. I stopped in my tracks! Where the hell is this guy going at this time of day? My travel companion, who is an older lady with grown children, turned to look at the gentleman. Today he was wearing a reversed tiger striped shirt. When I say reversed, I mean that the shirt was black and the stripes were gold. His slacks were pinstriped and very, very high waisted. When I say high waisted I mean in the region of a Zoot Suit but twice the width of a cumberbun. I would hazard to say that the waistband was about 8 inches and very tight in the buttocks, again flaring at the calves. Today's hat was again a Summer selection of straw with a very wide, frayed brim. The feather, or should I say "plume" was a modest black selection that was mildly fluffed. After witnessing this I had to speak on the guy's appearance to the lady.

Me: Rage rage rage and more rage....(pimp sighted)..that guy is always dressed in flamboyant clothes.

Her: Yes!! He never wears the same thing twice!

Me: (Not knowing whether I should speak ill of the guy to this lady after sensing a bit of admiration) You are right! I've never seen him in the same thing. He has something on that is different every time I see him.

Her: And he always smells good, too!

Me: I wonder what type of job he has that allows him to dress in such a fashion.

Her: I can only imagine!

Me: (Testing the waters) Please excuse the description but I refer to him as "The Player" because that is what I think he is or used to be.

Her: No, no I think he is uh, what you call that profession where the guy runs the women? You know what I'm talking about? You know, the guys that be running them women.

Me: (Awkward level DEFCON 2) Ummm....a pimp?

Her: Yes! YESSS!!!! That's what he is! (Smiling as if something wonderful had been accomplished)

I don't know what was more awkward. Talking to this Grandmother about pimps or the fact that she, apparently, just "chose" this particular pimp. I don't feel like getting pimp slapped and stabbed when he comes back over here to claim his bitch.

Stranger Danger in the 'burbs.

So I was riding the bus for shits and giggles. Not really. I had a purpose but once I completed my tasks for the day I decided to take a roundabout way home for sightseeing purposes. First, let me tell you about the ride to the mall. I took a direct route to the mall today and I kept running into attractive women on the way. When I got to 95th, I saw this very attractive young lady talking to what looked like a typical thug. Man, she is really attractive. Why would she talk to this...Whoa! Ok. I think I get the attraction once she opened her mouth to take a sip of her juice. It looked like she had been chewing a 2 inch dowel rod down to a 1/4 inch pointer. Hey, babygirl. You know you can get that fixed. No need to have low self esteem and settle for thugalicious here. Oh, well.

On the way back from the mall I decided to take the scenic route back. it wasn't a very long ride but I wasn't in any particular rush so I went to the back of the bus and turned on my MP3 player. There was this little girl bounding around in one seat ahead of me. As some parents do, her mother decided to let her have a sense of independence by letting her sit in the back of the bus. She was keeping an eye on her and thus kept an eye on me since I was in the near vicinity. There was a 3 seat buffer from anyone else sitting near the back. Hmmm. I'm in the suburbs, I'm near a nervous White mother's little girl. I'm Black. Not looking good, sir. It's looking a little lynchy in this piece. Wait. Fuck that shit. I can sit wherever I damn well please! I'm a former member of the Armed Forces of the United States of America, I'm an upstanding member of the community, THIS is the 21st century AND my President is Black! I have nothing to fear. Just as I confirm my convictions another guy of the African American persuasion decides to get on the bu and SIT RIGHT NEXT TO THE LITTLE GIRL! Dude. DUDE!! Of the 10 or so vacant seats on the bus, you wan to sit your big 300 pound, hotdog neck having, Malcolm X glasses wearing, dufflebag carrying, Vietnam Era fatigue possessing ASS right next to this little girl and in front of ME?!?! I can feel the mother's alert status change to DEFCON 1 (being the most severe) and my, I'm about to get beaten about the head, neck and shoulders with a police baton, alarm going off. I stare at the back of his neck with such intensity that I fried those hotdogs real nice. Even the little girl thought his sitting next to her seemed creepy and moved.

Anyway, I was so distracted my this shituation that I failed to notice the lady sitting next to me. This one was finer than frog hair but I was preoccupied. Had I noticed her while we were both on the bus I might have had a new girlfriend. Hey lady on t he back of the bus on route 381 going Eastbound, If you remember seeing me on the bus I will be at Jackson Park on August 2nd at 60th and Stoney Island Ave. Come by if you want a boyfriend!

When I got to the 79th street bus I noticed that the area seemed to have a migration of THOTs passing through. A couple of them boarded the bus and moved to the center of the bus. A seat opened up and they started to make a move towards the empty seats. An older guy took one of the seats after offering one to a lady that refused it. The THOTs looked at him with a slight look of disgust. I supposed they thought he would offer the seat to them but he didn't even acknowledge them. Silly THOTs, seats are for women.

Throwback Thursday

So I was riding the train this morning and I saw my buddy, the retired pimp/player. The reason I give him a dual classification is because it's not clear whether he was a pimp or player. To understand my confusion I have to describe what he was wearing today. He had on a track suite that looks like somthing Rev. Al Sharpton would have worn when he was still big. To top that, he wore a straw hat on his perfectly afroed hair that had the biggest, pimp-iest feather I've ever seen. The feather was just short of being the size a Vegas showgirl would wear. Lastly, he had a walking cane that I had not noticed before. Now I had not noticed any jewelry but I'm sure he had something draped within his taco meat.

Later that day I meet up with my Buddy, Greedy, so we could get some tasks done and we notice a couple trying to jump the turnstyle. I say trying because the woman went under it and the dude had a bad back or knees or something because he was stuck trying to lift his leg. I wanted to continue to view the spectacle but I almost ran into a sexy, afroed, bubble bootied undercover cop lady making an arrest. She was channeling her Pam Grier while she was putting on the cuffs as her partner held the guy. This was very shocking to me because I didn't know that the transit detail had undercovers and she was so tall and sexy. I contemplated committing a crime just to get close to her but I'm too pretty to go to jail. Sexy, afroed, bubble bootied undercover cop lady, I love you!!!

Sexy, afroed cop lady is not amused

A walk on the wild side

So I was riding the train this morning and I noticed this guy dressed in what I could only describe as 70's chic. In fact, I've seen this guy before and he is always dressed in this fashion. Let me tell you what he had on: Black slacks, a print shirt and a "big apple" hat. Now, for those of you that didn't exist in the 70's, I will go into better detail. His slacks were tight fitting around the buttocks/hip/thigh area but flared out around the calves. This is the classic 70's era style of pants. His shirt was a print pattern like you would see your granny wear if she was a babushka. His hat was the biggest "big apple" style I've ever seen. In fact, his hat could double as an umbrella. Now I could not tell if he was a retired pimp or a player on disability but I've seen him around the same time of day so that means he is either employed somewhere they allow him to dress in that manner OR he cosplays as Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch. Either way he must have recognized me from before and he decided to walk on the other side of the platform, possible due to the look of scorn on my face.

Anyway, as I boarded the train this homeless lady got on the same car. That's a bit judgemental, you say? How do I know she was homeless, you ask? Well, apparently, this was not the first time she had encountered this train driver. Now, she had quite a bit of stuff in about 4 plastic garbage bags and a baby stroller. She had a whole routine mapped out on how to board the train without leaving any of her bags. First, she wedged the first bag between the doors. Then she fetched the stroller and her other bags and then she double checked to make sure that she did not leave any of her possessions. The driver asked her to move the bag from the path of the doors and she promptly yelled "How come every time I ride this train you give me grief? Leave me alone!" She then proceeded to arrange her bags in a sort of beanbag fort and then she went to sleep.

On my way back is when the big stuff got started. As I got to the platform I see a bunch of people crowded at the door. WTF?!? Get out of the way, dammit! Once I moved beyond the doorway I could see why there was a fuss. Some guy is walking on the retainer wall separating the train from the expressway just as plain as day. Dude! He's just walking along like he had not a care in the world. That guy: "Noony Noony Noo." (whistle whistle whistle). One lady reported it to the CTA guy up top while everyone else pulled out their phones to record it for Worldstar. I called the State Troopers via 911. Here's how that call went:




Her: Hello 911 emergency.

me: Hi. There's a guy walking along the median on the Dan Ryan Expressway at 55th! He just jumped down from the median and he is under the underpass!

her: Where is he?

me: The underpass!

her: What underpass?

me: The Dan Ryan expressway at 55th!

her: Is he on the highway?

me: What?

her: The highway.

me: Wait, I can't hear you. I'm on the platform. Let me walk insaide.

her: Is he on the highway?

me: What?

her: The highway.

me: (Getting frustrated) Yes, dammit! Shit!

her: There's no need for that, sir. (Pause for apology. No apology given. No fucks given, either.) Let me transfer you.

new person: State patrol.

me: There's a guy walking along the median on the Dan Ryan Expressway at 55th! He jumped down from the median and he is under the underpass!

new person: What does he have on?

me: I can't see him from this angle anymore.

new person: Which side?

me: He's on the north bound side.

new person: Ok. We are on it. (Click)

Suddenly two Chicago cops come down to the platform. One walks one way and the other the opposite direction. I point in the direction of the guy and tell him "he went that way." Three Firefighters come down with a CTA supervisor who is telling the CTA to stop the power. My train pulls up and stops with no power to move and the driver tells the passengers that they will be sitting a moment while the responders get the guy. Everybody moans and people start to leave the train, looking for alternate routes. Not one person said "I wonder if that guy is alright." He was, however, 17 kinds of dumbass, 15 types of asshole and a few cocksuckers thrown in for good measure. When the responders got off the tracks and the train started moving I saw where the State Troopers I called had him by the side of the road and one of those big, dumb ass yellow roadside assist trucks had the highway blocked off. At that point I decided I had enough excitement for the day and went home to take a naps. And to that 911 operator, still no fucks were given about your feelings.

And on the left we have...

So today was a special day for me because I had to ride the Pace bus out to Chicago Ridge Mall. For those of you that are unfamiliar with the Pace Bus, that is the system that services the suburban area. When I ride the Pace I expect all shenanigans to cease and desist whilst I ride through yonder suburbs. Generally all things are better on the Pace Bus. The drivers are nicer. The passengers are more tranquil. The women are prettier. Things in general are all around better. That being said, why did I get on the bus with a laid off greeter from Wal-Mart? This old man had to speak to every person on the bus. EVERY. PERSON. Dude! And he was calling people out trying to get conversations started.

"Hey girl! How you doin'?"

"Hey you in the black hat! Young Man!"

(me ignoring him)

"Hi, young lady! You sure look pretty today!"

"You in the black hat!"

(me ignoring him....hard!)

"Hi little kid! You out here wit' yo' mama?"

"Hello pretty lady!"

"Young Man in the black hat!!"

(pretending to nod off)

"Better not fall asleep on the bus. Dey gonna rob you!"

This old man rode all the way to the mall talking. When we got to the mall stop this guy GETS OFF AT THE SAME STOP!!

"Young man!"

(pretending I'm from Kazakhstan and English is not one of my languages.)

I can't tell you how happy I was to see the CTA on the way back.

I have not the spine for it

So I was riding the bus today and I discovered that the long buses do not have good shocks in the rear portion of the bus. How did I discover this fact, you ask? Well, for some odd reason my bus driver for today felt the need to hit every hole in the road. Every. Damn. Hole. In fact it was so frequent that I believe she may have pre-dug some of those holes the night before and hit them all to test them out.

BaM!

Yep, that's a hole.

Every time she would hit a hole my entire lumbar system would jar violently and my testacles would bang together like those damned Click Clack balls your sister used to terrorize the family with.

BaM!

Yep, that's another hole,

While I was trying to anticipate the next ball knocker, this lady gets one the bus and heads straight for the back where I was sitting, She had on some white stretchy pants with a leather chap style front. Yes, that's what I said. Anyway, she wanted to keep them and white as possible so she sat on her purse. Her tiny little purse. Her tiny, SEQUINED purse, I got to thinking about what might have been in the purse.Now I was getting my spine renumbered every time we hit a hole so she must've been getting punched in the bootyhole with the mascara brush that had to be in her purse (according to those big, dumb ass fake eyelashes she was wearing,)

Rain rain, go away

So I was about to board the bus today and I see this guy pull up in a 300. For those of you that are not from the hood, the Chrysler 300 is known as the hood (poor man's) Bentley. He was trying to talk to some women in the turning lane but it was starting to rain and his windshield wipers were on. Apparently, he needed new wiper blades and had procrastinated in getting them replaced and he had only one good blade and the other was missing. Since the one was missing he had the arm in the install position so it would not scratch up the window. As I'm assessing this fact, the girls pull off, laughing what seemed hysterically. The guy had this look on his face like he was back in High School and just got dissed by the head cheerleader when he asked her to the Spring dance. He then proceeded to peel off when the light changed. I don't know why he expected any other response with his wannabe Bentley doing the Nae Nae because he was too cheap to get another blade from Autozone.