Toe the line

So I am sitting on the bus, minding my own business and this guy is describing the prettiest woman he has met in recent times. According to him, she was the finest woman within a 5-mile radius. She was near perfect with the exception of one thing. This one thing was so heinous to this guy that he considered it a deal breaker. I was like "Man! What could be so bad about a woman that you would turn down a potential mate? A Lifemate? A Soul Mate? It would have to be truly heinous." Come to find out the one thing dude could not tolerate from the girl of his dreams was...her shoes. Apparently, he felt that her choice of kicks was enough to tell him that she was not the girl for him. "Man," he stated, " she was wearing FILAs and I was not having that. The time for that is OVER!!"


Really? You could not get with her because she didn't spend her loot on NIKE? Dude, that could have been the love of your life and YOU passed her up because you didn't like her gym shoes. Not judging but you must have some sort of foot fetish and you have sex with your shoes on. (You toe sniffing bastard!)

Man, it stinks out here

So I was riding the bus and this guy boards. As he passes by me he whispered "Loud, loud." Now I know what you are about to ask me. "How was he whispering Loud?" For those of you that just got here, "Loud" is a type of weed that stinks like skunk piss. In fact, my dad would refer to it as "Skunk weed" but the people who smoke it think is smells good. He is trying to sell it on the bus before he gets to the train station where he will sell it all day until he is out of it. The problem with this is at that time of morning most people on the bus are trying tot get to work and no one wants to show up to work smelling of weed. I suppose this guy didn't think this out when he got up this morning. Logic-1, Weed guy - 0. So when I get to the train I notice a guy trying to put a little distance between himself and the other passengers. The problem was he was between me and a lady passenger. Once he put an equal amount of space between us he then proceeds to pull out his penis and urinate. Dude! He peed on the platform so as to not flash the approaching train or the cars closest to him. Why would you not pee at home? Why would you risk getting arrested, shaking your willy in public? Dude! DUDE!! I can only wonder what that is like. At that point, I start to notice that everything smells like pee. Every stop, every station, everywhere. And don't get me started about the elevator. So my question is what is wrong with your bathrooms at home? Why can't you travel without peeing on everything? Are you marking territory? Is it part of a mating ritual? Is that why I can't find a girlfriend because I am not peeing outside enough? Please let me in on the secret.

All in the Family

So I'm riding the train and I got distracted from the car I wanted to ride by a person that wanted to buy an oil from me but got scared off by my prices. When I sat down I noticed a young lady having an argument on her phone. From what I could gather she was speaking to her soon to be ex-boyfriend. "How certain am I that they were breaking up?", you ask? Well, apparently her boyfriend had sex with her 19-year-old sister and the sister, feeling the shame, confessed it to her. So she is reading him the riot act but it sounded as though he was trying to deny that it happened. She then went on to elaborate on just how nasty this guy was for having sex with the sister. He also decided to not use protection. She didn't seem concerned about a pregnancy although her sister is apparently very promiscuous and she warned him that if he caught an STD that he "better not try to hurt her" for it. My assumption is that she is on birth control. She is also, apparently, in a group of girls that find sex a popular hobby. Now I was also able to glean that he was nearly 50 years old. From what I could tell about her I would figure she would have to be in her mid to late 20s (early 30s at the most). I would have to admit that the guy was a good looking, 40 something and was very charming. I also found that this was not the sister's first time cuffing her man. At this point, I would have to wonder who was more at fault here: the girl, the sister, or the guy.

Dancing for joy

So I am riding the bus and we get to a stop where drivers change for shifts. The is a normal thing so no one is getting angry about the delay. No one, that is, with the exception of myself. Why am I angry about it? Glad you asked. I am sitting in the very first seat, it is cold and snowing, and the door is open. Nothing makes you regret life choices more than underdressing during a Winter storm. The truly sad thing about this is that this was supposed to be the first day of Spring (in Chicago which means diddly squat). So the bus driver finally closes the door and this older guy moseys up to the door. The driver opens the door and allows him to board. For the next few minutes, this guy does a whole routine of checking his pockets, blowing into his hands, checking his bag, and looking like he was truly puzzled that he could not find his bus card. He knew damn well that he had no card and he just stood there looking like he hoped no one noticed that he didn't pay a bus fare. I noticed, damn you!!! Then he pulled a bottle of Seagram's alcohol out of his hidden coat pocket and got off at the very next stop. Well played Mr. Wine head. So after stopping for a burrito at my favorite burrito spot (that is a direct lie because any place that has burritos is my favorite burrito spot) I boarded the next bus. The problem with that was there was a young lady that boarded ahead of me but decided to plant herself directly over the front wheel well and, despite me and her skinny stature, decided to become an obstacle. Damn it, you skinny chick! Get out of the way!! Suddenly, the bus driver decides to get heavy on the brakes and the bus starts jerking back and forth before I could sit down. Now I am off balance and I can't grab a pole or ring because of this burrito and I look as though I am Salsa dancing with cross bandoleros (my body oil belts) across my chest and a burrito in my hand. All I needed was some music. The people in the back were looking at me wondering why I was so happy about my burrito. That was not happiness. It was the terror of feeling that I would injure myself and have to explain to the EMTs why I didn't drop the burrito to save myself. It's kind of like the monkey that can't free himself of the jar because he won't let go of the item that was in the jar.

Convention time

So I was riding the bus and the driver stopped to switch drivers. Either the driver was early or the relief was late but we sat there for about 5 minutes. Since I was not in any particular hurry, I sat quietly and played a game on my phone. Suddenly, several drivers boarded the bus. They were very jovial and light-hearted but that was enough to get the passengers mad about the extended wait. Grumble, grumble, grumble was all I heard. One of the drivers said that the more we complained, the longer it would be before we took off. I know he was kidding but why did he have to say that? Every wise ass on the bus was suddenly in a hurry to get to their destinations. The crazy thing was that nearly everyone that had something to say about how long it took got off at the train station, which was two stops away. Go figure. Anyway, on my way home I decided to go get some food. Some guy asked me if I had any cigarettes for sale. I just shook my head but I didn't look up from my phone, which pissed off the guy asking. When I looked up to see how offended the guy was I noticed his face was buried in his girlfriend's phone, as was hers. When we got to his stop he let it pass and his girl got mad, stating that she wanted to get off at the gas station. He made up an excuse that she had to walk in that direction anyway so he didn't think it was a bad thing. That mad his girlfriend so mad that she tried to open the door before the bus came to a full stop. I don't know what she was going to do if it opened. I guess a combat roll was her only option other than a faceplant. The guy, desperate to save face with his girlfriend, said something stupid to the driver about stopping the bus. At that point of the day, I would have just called it a day and gone to sleep for the night. Dude was batting 1.000 in stupid and I would have cashed in my chips. So when I got to my destination I noticed there was a plastic mustache on the seat next to me. A. Plastic. Mustache. What in the 9 hells is a plastic mustache doing on the bus? My mind was suddenly soaring with the possibilities as well as questions. Who the hell were you hiding from? Who in the hell did you think you were fooling? Do plastic mustaches hold frost like real ones do? When you sneeze does the mustache act as a projectile? Can you throw it at people like Batman throws his throwing bats? How long was it before you realized your plastic mustache was missing? Was it when you got to the bank? The questions are endless....

And now, coming to the stage....

So I'm riding the bus and I am about to sit down but this guy decides he wants to check his bag just as I pass. I'm like "really, dude?" He pulls out a screwdriver and I'm like "I didn't want that seat anyway" and I proceed to mind my own business. Apparently, he had been riding with that screwdriver poking him in the side for a number of blocks and decided to relieve the pressure and place it in his bag. Whew!! I thought I was about to get stabbed!! Anyway, I end up standing in front of the rear exit and suddenly this guy reaches across the aisle, dangerously near my crotch. My Spidey-crotch sense started tingling and I instinctively moved my hips to avoid his hand. He reached for the buzzer so he could get off the bus but how was I supposed to know that? I just wanted a crotch-grab free ride. I swing around to allow him to utilize the rear doors. As I swing back, a lady hits the buzzer so that she could leave as well. So here I am, swinging back and forth on this pole, jutting my butt out of the way of bus patrons so as to not get a surprise crotch brush like I was some type of two-bit bus stripper. I'm just glad I didn't drop anything so that I didn't seem as though I had "dropped it low." Maybe I would have started a new hustle for change and bus passes. I felt so dirty.....