You shall not pass!!!

So I'm coming home from Dialysis but I can't ride the train because I went Downtown two days prior to get a new bus pass as mine was not working properly. I had put off the trip for months because I knew that I could not get the replacement immediately due to it being a paratransit pass but it just wasn't working. The bus driver told me that I could get it replaced the same day but I knew different. Fine! I guess it could not be put off any longer and I wanted to get the new one before it got cold outside. So I call Ventra to ask where I should go. The customer service guy tells me the building and off I go, When I get there I find out that they moved the RTA part of the office but the Ventra part is still there. DAMN!! When I talk to the Ventra lady my pass suddenly decides to work. BASTARD!! The Ventra lady tell me there is nothing she can do and sends me to the RTA office which was back at City Hall. Son of a BITCH When I get there I tell them my sob story. They check the pass and note that the card is damaged and ok's my getting a replacement. "$5, please." I go to reach for my money and she tells me they don't take cash. SHIT! She immediate tell me that 7-11 has money orders (I think she was getting kick backs on the money orders because they were $1.59 a piece.) so I had to leave the line to get my money order. When I get back to the line she tells me that it will take 7 to 10 business days for my replacement to be MAILED TO ME!!! "But there is a camera right there!!" "That's for the seniors getting their passes." ASS!!! At this point I feel as though I'm coming down with Tourette's Syndrome with all the cussing that is going through my head. So at this point I ask if my pass will continue to work while I'm waiting to get my replacement. The lady assures me that it will work up until I activate the new one. I pay for the pass and leave. The very next morning my pass stops working at the train station. MotherFUCK!!!

So I'm on my way home but I can only take buses because I can't load the card and the pass won't work. I decide I want to go down Garfield (55th Street) so a can get some chicken rings from White Castle (that is the only food I can get from them since everything else from there stinks up the bus to high Heaven) but I got on the wrong friggin' bus!! It is the 59th street bus. No chicken rings for you!! I notice that 59th street is desolate and barren. almost every house is abandoned and boarded up. The driver is barreling down the road at top speed and is hitting every puddle he can. He is not worried about splashing anyone because there is no one to splash. It's so desolate that even the drug dealers are in poverty. It's how I imagine Mars would look like if it had streets and houses. I see a family in the middle of a grassy field that used to be houses. I assume the are looking for Pokemon but even that seems sparse. We get to Ashland in record time and I see the bus that I would have missed if I had taken the 55th street route. I guess it worked out for the better because I got a burrito instead. Ummm, burritos.

Lesbians and sprinting Grannies

So I was riding the bus and we stopped at the Ashland Green line to pick up passengers. The driver was in a hurry because she was coming off her shift so she was in no mood to wait on anyone. A few people kept testing her resolve and found themselves waiting on another bus. This one old lady got left as she tried to run up to the bus. I didn't think much of it at the time although she was carrying a polyurethaned picture of Jesus mounted on a cross section of a tree trunk and I guess I was obligated to feel guilty. Maybe if she had a cache of kittens, a parcel of puppies and a bundle of babies with her I would have felt something in my Grinch-like heart but, alas, no. Anyway, I needed to mention the old lady because she comes up again later. But back to the trip at hand.


At some point, a lesbian couple boarded the bus. How do I know they were lesbians and a couple? Because the stud made the fem sit in the front solo seat so she could guard her from the dangers of random penis (studs are sooooo defensive and aggressive). After a while I started to understand why the stud was on defense. Apparently, her girlfriend is what I call a 'thespian lesbian." What is that, you ask? That is a straight woman playing at being a lesbian. "But, Flint, why would you say such a thing?" Because she kept giving me the *when my girlfriend gets off this bus I'm going to be bisexual" eyes the entire trip. She was looking to trade up from her girl at the first opportunity.

So while I contemplated hot lesbians in love, the little old lady with the portrait of Jesus got on the bus. Wait. What?!?! How is this possible? We were on 63rd when she got left and we were on 74th when she got on! Did she sprint from the train to catch up to the bus? Did she use the teleporter? Did she use up one of her three wishes? I have no explanation for this unless she is Usain Bolt's grandmother. Good job, Granny Bolt.

P.S. I do realize that I did not properly address the fact that this lady carried a super large, laminated portrait of Jesus with her. How do you address such a thing, anyway?