Train Jacking part 1

So I'm sitting at home with no intention of riding the bus today. Suddenly I hear that there was a train collision on the Blue line out in Forrest Park, IL. A train collision? How did that happen? Well, according to the news report, the train was on the wrong track and hit a parked train and ended up with like 30 to 45 casualties. They speculate that someone had stolen the train. Wait, what?! This brings up serious questions. How do you steal a train? Once stolen where are you going with said train? Once you get there what are you going to do with your ill-gotten train? Are you going to put it on Craigslist? Are you going to sell in on eBay? Will Paypal be able to handle that kind of transaction? What if you get your train and discover that it's not the train you wanted? How do you return it and get your money back? So many questions.

Thursday service

So I missed my bus this morning by about 20 seconds. In "bus time" that means I was 1/2 hour late. Hrumph! Well I decided to walk to Ashland and wait for THAT bus. When I got there I used the text service to see when the bus was due. It sent me a message back that said the next bus was only going to 74th street. REALLY?!?! I could walk to 74th street and I would STILL be ass out. I came THIS (imagine my hands showing you how close I came) close to going home and going back to sleep until I saw a bus going in the opposite direction. THAT bus was going to 95th and the bus terminal. I can take that shuttle to 55th and still get there near my appointment. Now, normally you see only people that are going to work that early in the morning but this bus had people that looked as if they slept on the bus all night. A rolling motel. Well, I'm still going to make it.

I get to 95th and everybody AND their mothers were on this shuttle. I've never known the long buses to be full but this one was almost at capacity. Then, for the entire trip, I got to hear how the corporate world likes their lunches made for meetings by someone that was getting a new hire up to speed. Did you know that corporate types only like Romaine lettuce? I do now.

After a really sucky treatment I head home and the shuttle had half of the bus driver's union on it. Man, were they talking mucho shit, too! Apparently bus drivers haze each other over driving skills. They have a saying: Are you a bus driver or an operator? A bus driver follows all the rules ad nausea whereas an operator is a superior driver that throws the rules out the window if they see a chance to do something spectacular on the road. I prefer bus drivers.

When I get to 79th I get on the bus and it is pretty full. A guy int he front says, "there is room on the back!" His statement is quickly answered with, "why don't you go back there then?" Oh shit! Normally that would have been a cuss out session between him and the lady who dared to say something but this guy was a seasoned debate master. How did he respond? With the word of God! how do you fight that? You don't unless you want to look like a heathen. He shut her WHOLE operation down and she didn't say a word for the rest of the trip. According to Reverend Brown (that is who he said he was) God loves you even of you don't love Him back and so does the Reverend. Also he doesn't cuss women but he WILL molly wop you if you touch him. His wife left him for another man and he is very happy that happened and he likes young, pretty girls which was evident when he started flirting with a young girl standing near him. He also said that if you didn't want to hear what he had to say you could jump out of the window and get hit by a car. I haven't been to church in a while but I've never known any preacher to tell you to run into traffic if you didn't want to hear the word of God. They must take tithes at gunpoint these days.

Victoria's bus pass

So I was riding the bus today and everything was wonderful. I had just eaten two Chicago style hot dogs (I guess they are all Chicago style if you get them in Chicago) and walked to the terminal. The bus was on time and the world seemed good. When i got to 79th street the bus was about 15 minutes away. I know this because the bus shelter had the estimated times of arrival. Now when you ride the bus you see all sorts of pretty ladies going to and fro. Suddenly one walked up and stood near me. When she turned around she had this GIGANTIC rip in her jeans and HALF of her ass was out. To be specific it was her right buttcheek. She had on blue tiger stripe panties. Now if you are in Chicago, or any major city, you know that having small rips and tears is the fashion amongst urban youth these days. I thought it was a bit extreme and I wondered if her asscheek was getting cold since there was a slight breeze but I realized that with everyone staring at her ass that she was quite warm. (Eye radiation is a heat source in the city.)

So after I got used to her bootyhole being exposed to the elements I got on the bus. At this point I felt that this was the highlight of my ride. That was until a lady pulled out her sexy panties to show her friend on the bus. I assume that it was her friend because she was showing her how pretty her panties were. I also assume that she had just purchased them but while she was describing the apparently comfort of this type of panty another lady asked her about them. Apparently she sells panties and other sundries. Do you need a special license to sell panties on the bus or can anyone do it? What is her policy for trying them on? Can you return them if they don't live up to the sexiness that is promised? What do you say when you are complimented on your sexy bus panties? I have so many questions.

When the lights go down in the city....

So I took the bus the other day and I ended up having to walk from the bus depot as I do when I go to early morning Dialysis. As I'm getting close to the clinic I see this woman standing at the bus stop. All of a sudden she runs towards the bushes while grasping at her belt line. I grew up in a house full of women and I know that to be the international sign for "I gotta pee." Being the gentleman that I am (in public anyway) I try to keep looking straight ahead as I pass. Suddenly I hear from the bushes "Hey! You got the time?" Do I ignore it or do I answer? It's not like I can say I didn't see her because we were the only two humans in the streets.  I look in her general direction and say "4:30." As I glance down the street I see the bus coming and I said "you are going to miss your bus." No response. I keep walking and the bus passes me. I look back and she is still standing at the bus stop. Was that a new technique for prostitutes to solicit? Was there a pimp in those bushes waiting to stab me? Did I pass up some really good bush in the bushes? (I'm hearing "push push in the bush" in my head right now.) Personally I'm scared to think of the consequences.

The Love Bus

So I get on the bus today and I immediately get the stink eye from the bus driver like he was mad that I wanted to ride HIS bus. Wait, I've seen this guy before. How do I know? Because he was doing the exact same thing his was doing the last time I saw him which was spitting lame bus driver game at some young T.H.O.T. In fact it was the same T.H.O.T. from the last time. (T.H.O.T. - Them Hoes Out There) She was not even cute with her non-invisible part, dry mop head looking face ass.

Anyway, I'm trying to figure out why I get the stink eye from this guy every time I see him. I don't want that young ass girl. In fact, you shouldn't either. She looked as though she was a Junior in High School. Did you promise her some new gym shoes? Remember you are going to have to sign her absentee form if she comes over your house. I think she was only interested in dude because of that bus pass he promised her. Pass for ass. What really troubled me was that when she got off the bus she waved at the supervisor that was in his truck at the Western stop as though she knew him on a first name basis. She's been working that line!

Single again

So I was riding the bus today and I thought I saw my next ex-girlfriend. As she got closer I noticed that her eyebrows were drawn in. This is not anything new but as she got even closer it seemed as though she was extremely mad. Who has angered her? Is she mad at me? What did I do to her? And just like that our relationship was over.

Anyway, I've begun to notice that people on the bus resemble famous people. I could not tell you who but they all seem somewhat familiar. Today, for instance, this old man (he played one) was sitting about three seats away and was staring at me. How do I know? Because he caught me staring at him. I couldn't help it because I was desperately trying to figure out who he resembled. Just before the end of the line it hit me. He looked like the dancing old man from Six Flags. Hey, wait. I'm on the bus. That song he danced to was called "The Vengabus." Old man.....Vengabus.....DI DIT DI DIT DI DAAAA DAAA....DI DIT DI DIT DI DAAAA DAA!!!

Have A Good Day

So today I took a short bus trip and witnessed what I would call "bus speed dating." The guy that was in the front seat was trying to get his courage up to talk to the bus driver lady. When I got on the bus and stood in the front (I was getting off in a few stops) I guess he said "let me get this number before this total stud muffin gets my girl." This guy tried every move he knew to get the driver's number. She was like "no, thank you and have a good day." Then he started making kissy face noises and she was like "I don't need you to teach me how to kiss. You have a good day, sir." What is jacked up is I was trying to think of a way I could try to get her number, too!

No hope for love

So I'm riding the bus and the bus driver was one of the prettiest drivers I'd ever seen. Did she just look straight into my eyes and smile? I'm a lonely, old man so don't play with my emotions you fucking tease. Anyway, I sat my perverted ass down and was trying to think of a way to start up a conversation when this guy gets on the bus. He was an old winehead. For those of you that don't know what that is, it is an old school term for a guy that stays perpetually drunk off cheap wine. The guy asks her how she's doing and she was like "pay your fare and sit down, sir." Oh, shit! I wouldn't have gotten very far with her. The winehead gets VERY loud and a little bit belligerent saying "I just wanted to know how you were doing!"

"Pay your fare, sir"

"Dang, can't anyone ask how someone is anymore?!" ( He looks as though he wants to cry. Like he has been insulted by the state of the world and has lost hope for mankind.)

"Pay your far or I'm calling the cops, sir"

"Dang, why you gotta go and call the cops for?! I ain't do nothing! Why we gotta get them involved. Dang, man." (Looks like he is tearing up.)

She hits the secret "hey I need the cops, now" button. The guy per rachet ass chick gets up and uthat just got off the bus hops back on and puts his fare card in for the winehead and says "there he's paid for" and gets off the bus. At this point it was too late because the cops just popped up out of nowhere. The rest of the passengers are getting restless saying they have places to go. Now the bus driver is talking to the cops and the winehead is getting detained. This super-ghetto ass chick gets up and tries to express how urgent it is that she gets to where ever she is going. (Note: the following is as close as I can get to how she sounded in written form) "Excruse me. EXCRUSE me. Can we get going? I got places to go, SHIT!" (No that is not a misspelling. She said "excruse" me.) Did you ever see anyone that was super attractive and then she spoke and all your attraction flies out of the window? That's what happened here. At that point the people on the bus were getting hostile. I wanted to say that she had a right to not be badgered by anyone but if he had not been in her face I would probably be the person the cops were arresting at that point.

I love the rain (when I'm not in it)

So I was riding the bus the other day and it was a big day for me. I was going to a party later on that day to sell my new line of t-shirts and I was excited. I say WAS because it wasn't looking good weather wise. Is that a drop of rain? That is either rain or a seagull pissing on my face. Either way I'm not feeling this. All of a sudden the skies open up and I'm now standing in the rain. "I saw you AND HIM (and him...and him...) walking in the rainnnnnnnnnnnnn....." Now I'm standing under a viaduct trying to not get any wetter than I am. The bus pulls up and the world's oldest bus driver let's me board. I don't want to say she's THAT old but her badge number was 7.

Well she was the nicest bus driver I'd met in a long time and she was kind enough to try not to splash anyone that was on her route. I can't say that about all drivers and if you are reading this sorry about the old crack. You have to admit that you still have supertransfers in your back pocket though.