And, from parts unknown....

So I was riding the bus. I say this with a slight bitterness because I was riding in a car just moments ago but no one is going your direction when there is snow on the ground. Anyway, I was sitting there, minding my own business, when this guy boards the bus. "But why would that be something to write about," you ask? Well, funny you should ask. The reason I found it noteworthy was for the following reasons: First, he boarded from the rear door (that pisses me off that someone wearing $200 gym shoes would have trouble with bus fare). He sat behind me on the side facing seat (that makes me feel like an accomplice). Lastly, he planted his elbow firmly on my neck as he decided to sling his arm over the seat railing (are you comfortable there, you bus fare cheating, sharp elbow having, side seat sitting bastard?!?!) So, I glance back at him as to ask "Did you not see me?" but he was too busy trying to not get caught. Bastard. Anyway, I glanced again. He ignored me, again. I was just about to turn and curse his mother, grandmother and every female in his family fool enough to mate and create another bus fare cheating, Jordan wearing, elbow using wrestling reject when he removes his elbow to pull out a smartphone and browse social media. Now, because you can get a smartphone for free by just walking down the street these days, I cannot make a judgment call on whether he could afford to pay the bus fare. I can, however, call him a bastard for planting that elbow into my neck. Bastard.

Sooooo soft

This is a bus story. So I was riding the bus and it suddenly got crowded. When I ride I try to go places during the off-peak time to avoid crowded buses but, for some reason, it turned into peak time right when I was on this particular bus. So I'm minding my own business, trying to avoid eye contact with people and this girl sits next to me. I could tell that she didn't want to sit there but she sat there to be next to her riding partner (and presumed boyfriend) so she assumed the "I don't want to sit here" pose. Now there are certain ways people sit in seats that convey their desire to sit alone. The first is the placing of an item on the adjoining seat, no matter how small it is, to discourage anyone from sitting with that person. The second is the placing of one's legs or feet on or across the adjoining seat. I dislike that one because it forces you to engage with the person if you want to sit down. The third is to sit knees out, pointing into the aisle. This was the situation with this girl. To top it off, she had on leggings and her butt was particularly plump and juicy in these leggings. Now, you may say that is her prerogative to dress as she pleases and that it is a free country. Well maybe so but there was an unforeseen side effect to this and that was the fact that it felt as though her ENTIRE ass was rubbing against my thigh. Why should that be a big deal? Normally I would chalk it up to normal miscellaneous contact....if her ass was not sooooooooooo soft up against my leg. O...M...G!!!! **shudder** "Man, that's kind of pervy, James," you say? Well, that may be but every time the bus hit a bump, stopped, or accelerated I felt it rubbing against me. It happened so often I felt as though I owed her money for the lap dance. As a guy, there are several things that being out in public makes you feel pervy when you are just trying to be on your way and women seem to be oblivious to these things...until they notice the attention. Now before the feminists in the audience jump up, in protest, I must say this: some of the things you ask males to suffer are unjust to male human nature. Sure, you can dress as you please without the threat of persecution but, you must admit that dressing to attract can bring about attraction from unwanted quarters. Yeah, yeah, I know the party line. "I can come out naked if I like and I should be safe." I get that and, If I run into you, I would be one of the guys offering my coat to cover you up or the guy that would feel as though it was my duty to protect you from harm in that state. I'm also a guy and I like tits and ass. I won't harm you be any means but you are still naked. Did I mention I like tits? and ass? Most guys do and if you don't believe me or underestimate the impact of it just try this experiment. Go somewhere public and yell into a crowd "look at her titties!" So how many heads turn to see said titties. Every woman in the general vicinity will be scanned instantly (Terminator style) to see if theirs are the tits in question.

Captain Save 'Em

So I'm trying to get home from the movies and I decide to take the bus home because I think it's safer than the train at this time of night. Good thing I do because I fall asleep around 59th street. When I wake I find myself fast approaching 87th. street. That would be cool if that was where I was going but I overshoot my stop by about a mile. DAMMIT!! Now I have to ride the damn train. So when I get there I see I have just 2 minutes until the train arrives and I only have one stop to go. So two minutes seem like 10 and then the damn train passes me by. Out of service. Motherf.ff.ff..f. Ok, calm down. I can just get the nest one... in about 15 minutes. Crap! So I'm standing under the heat lamps. Wait. Why are the heat lamps on this early in the year? They usually don't turn those on until November and it's not even Halloween yet. Normally I would not complain but these things are baking the shit out of my ears right now. Suddenly this drunk comes up to me asking for a light. Well, I assume that is what he wants because he has a cigarette in hand. It looks like one of those brown wrapped Native American style ones to boot. Well, anyone that knows me knows how much I abhor cigarettes in any form so you can imagine the response he got from me. Then he goes over to this young lady and asks her for a light. By now he is leaning in on her like many drunk people do when they forget about personal space. I can see on her face that she is far too kind to cuss him out so I intervene.


"Hey, dude."


**garbled response**


"Can't you see that she does not want you in her face like that?"


"Huh?"


"I said she doesn't want to be bothered."


"What?"


"I said GET THE FUCK OUT OF HER FUCKING FACE!!!!"


"Man, I just want a light for my cigarette."


"THERE AIN'T NO DAMN SMOKING ON THE FUCKING PLATFORM, DUDE!! DON'T YOU SEE ALL THESE FUCKING SIGNS??? GET THE FUCK ON!!"


***He shrugs acknowledgment while leaning far too close to MY face***


Then the guy goes back to his part of the platform and proceeds to argue at the passing traffic, occasionally looking back at me. I suppose he was cussing me out, at a safe distance.


So I get on the bus and try my best to stay awake. This really pretty young girl gets on followed by four dudes who are harassing her. Hell, even the loose square guy was trying to get at her. I didn't notice at first because I was concentrating on staying awake but then she asks can she sit next to me. I'm annoyed at first until I realize the guy steadily picking at her hair. What the flying fuck is it tonight? Am I the designated protector on the CTA tonight? I look at my coat to see if it resembled a cape or something because it seemed to be one of those nights. I relent and let her sit in the window seat. The guy asks if he can sit with her saying that he is her boyfriend and they just had a fight. She quickly states that he is not her boyfriend so I say no. He looked like I slapped him when I said it. "Come on, man. I want to sit there." I refuse him again and I sit down. I hear the others egging him on to hit me for blocking his attempt to woo her. I remove my hood and put my phone in my pocket. He mumbles a bunch of "I should do this and that" while grabbing at her hair. Now, unfortunately, the rules of engagement on city buses state that I have to let him throw the first punch before I retaliate in order for me to not get arrested and I had to let her endure the hair touching until SHE told the bus driver about the unwanted attention. Before I could get loud about the situation they all got off the bus, still mumbling what they would have done. I really wanted that guy to swing because I would have taken out every bad bus story I had up until this one on his head. What was really crazy about it was that normally I would be at home asleep at this time of night so I could go to my treatment in about an hour.


P.s. I forgot to tell you that it was a full moon and I did not get any rest because I go home in time enough to turn around and go to treatment...after I typed this out.

And now, in this corner...

So I'm riding the bus and it's crowded. There are more people than usual riding this day. There are several people standing in the exit doorway at the back as usual. For some reason, Black people don't like having to share the two person seating so there are a lot of seats available still. Suddenly, I hear the "Stop Requested" bell and a very large guy gets up. Very. Large. Guy. Now, maybe it's because I'm seated and he was standing on the steps at the back of the bus but this guy seemed as though he was 7 feet tall to me. "Ogre tall" would be the way I would describe him if I had to fill out a police report. As he pardons himself to get through the crowd, another, much skinnier guy gives him the evil eye. Well, maybe I should clarify the look. It was more like the evil eye mixed with a healthy dose of the stank eye and sizing up with a pinch of "fuck you mean" and "I ain't scared of you" added for good measure. What was funny about it was that none of that was directed at the big guy where he could notice it and he reached his stop and left. Then that is when the comedy show began. The skinny guy suddenly became the toughest guy on the bus. He called Ogre dude every name in the book and made up a few new ones for good measure. He spoke of Ogre dude's questionable lineage and the legitimacy of his birth, his grooming habits and whether or not he was fully human. Everything he said was so inflammatory that it would have surely started a fight on the bus...if Ogre dude heard any of it. You see, Skinny dude was one of those guys that talk mad shit when you can't hear any of it but says nothing when you are face to face. "Why was he so mad," you ask? Simply put, he was mad because Ogre dude pushed his way off the bus through the three people standing in the doorway and his manhood was challenged because he was too light in the ass to stop him and he was manhandled. As my Urban Brethren would say, "You need to get your weight up, son!"

You shall not pass!!!

So I'm coming home from Dialysis but I can't ride the train because I went Downtown two days prior to get a new bus pass as mine was not working properly. I had put off the trip for months because I knew that I could not get the replacement immediately due to it being a paratransit pass but it just wasn't working. The bus driver told me that I could get it replaced the same day but I knew different. Fine! I guess it could not be put off any longer and I wanted to get the new one before it got cold outside. So I call Ventra to ask where I should go. The customer service guy tells me the building and off I go, When I get there I find out that they moved the RTA part of the office but the Ventra part is still there. DAMN!! When I talk to the Ventra lady my pass suddenly decides to work. BASTARD!! The Ventra lady tell me there is nothing she can do and sends me to the RTA office which was back at City Hall. Son of a BITCH When I get there I tell them my sob story. They check the pass and note that the card is damaged and ok's my getting a replacement. "$5, please." I go to reach for my money and she tells me they don't take cash. SHIT! She immediate tell me that 7-11 has money orders (I think she was getting kick backs on the money orders because they were $1.59 a piece.) so I had to leave the line to get my money order. When I get back to the line she tells me that it will take 7 to 10 business days for my replacement to be MAILED TO ME!!! "But there is a camera right there!!" "That's for the seniors getting their passes." ASS!!! At this point I feel as though I'm coming down with Tourette's Syndrome with all the cussing that is going through my head. So at this point I ask if my pass will continue to work while I'm waiting to get my replacement. The lady assures me that it will work up until I activate the new one. I pay for the pass and leave. The very next morning my pass stops working at the train station. MotherFUCK!!!

So I'm on my way home but I can only take buses because I can't load the card and the pass won't work. I decide I want to go down Garfield (55th Street) so a can get some chicken rings from White Castle (that is the only food I can get from them since everything else from there stinks up the bus to high Heaven) but I got on the wrong friggin' bus!! It is the 59th street bus. No chicken rings for you!! I notice that 59th street is desolate and barren. almost every house is abandoned and boarded up. The driver is barreling down the road at top speed and is hitting every puddle he can. He is not worried about splashing anyone because there is no one to splash. It's so desolate that even the drug dealers are in poverty. It's how I imagine Mars would look like if it had streets and houses. I see a family in the middle of a grassy field that used to be houses. I assume the are looking for Pokemon but even that seems sparse. We get to Ashland in record time and I see the bus that I would have missed if I had taken the 55th street route. I guess it worked out for the better because I got a burrito instead. Ummm, burritos.

Lesbians and sprinting Grannies

So I was riding the bus and we stopped at the Ashland Green line to pick up passengers. The driver was in a hurry because she was coming off her shift so she was in no mood to wait on anyone. A few people kept testing her resolve and found themselves waiting on another bus. This one old lady got left as she tried to run up to the bus. I didn't think much of it at the time although she was carrying a polyurethaned picture of Jesus mounted on a cross section of a tree trunk and I guess I was obligated to feel guilty. Maybe if she had a cache of kittens, a parcel of puppies and a bundle of babies with her I would have felt something in my Grinch-like heart but, alas, no. Anyway, I needed to mention the old lady because she comes up again later. But back to the trip at hand.


At some point, a lesbian couple boarded the bus. How do I know they were lesbians and a couple? Because the stud made the fem sit in the front solo seat so she could guard her from the dangers of random penis (studs are sooooo defensive and aggressive). After a while I started to understand why the stud was on defense. Apparently, her girlfriend is what I call a 'thespian lesbian." What is that, you ask? That is a straight woman playing at being a lesbian. "But, Flint, why would you say such a thing?" Because she kept giving me the *when my girlfriend gets off this bus I'm going to be bisexual" eyes the entire trip. She was looking to trade up from her girl at the first opportunity.

So while I contemplated hot lesbians in love, the little old lady with the portrait of Jesus got on the bus. Wait. What?!?! How is this possible? We were on 63rd when she got left and we were on 74th when she got on! Did she sprint from the train to catch up to the bus? Did she use the teleporter? Did she use up one of her three wishes? I have no explanation for this unless she is Usain Bolt's grandmother. Good job, Granny Bolt.

P.S. I do realize that I did not properly address the fact that this lady carried a super large, laminated portrait of Jesus with her. How do you address such a thing, anyway?

We don't want it if it's that easy...

So I was waiting for the bus and I was alone at first. After a while this bus driver walks up waiting for his connection. He was speaking shotgun Spanish so I couldn't eavesdrop to pass on anything juicy so we will forget about him. Next this young lady walks up. Apparently, she did not have time to put on underwear because her stretchy pants were telling all her secrets. If that wasn't enough she was going on and on about how she doesn't need a man in her life and the freedom that affords her to get as much penis as she wants from whomever she pleases. I don't know if she was fishing as there were several guys at the bus stop at that point but no one took the bait. As I was trying to ignore her declaration of indy penis, this biker lady turned the corner on a Harley. Sexy much? Anyway, I may have been ogling her because the SECOND biker lady turned the corner and gave me the mean mug. I think I may have been ogling her girlfriend. Don't worry about me, lady. Worry about those potholes! You are on 69th and Ashland!!

....or are you just happy to see me?

So I'm riding the bus and I'm sitting, minding my own business when suddenly this lady brushes against my elbow, trying to sit in the seat behind me. Wait. Did this woman just slide her entire vagina across my elbow? I'm not sure because I've never had elbow/vagina relations before and I'm not sure how that feels. I want to look back at her but I'm embarrased and I don't know what to say in such a situation. What DO you say to that?

"Excuse me, miss. Is that my elbow in your vagina?"


"Why, yes. Yes it is."

"That is what I thought. Carry on."

Dr. Legshooter, PHD

So I'm riding the bus and I see three old timers talking about old times. I'm not really trying to eavesdrop but they are talking loudly (I only assume it's because they can't hear very well) and I can't help but overhear the conversation (it's more like a dissertation because the other two are not saying much). So this guy is going on and on about how shooting someone in the leg used to be a minor crime compared to today because you get much more time in jail in comparison. Wait. What? How would he know this? Has there been a Harvard study on this? Has he been conducting this study and who has he been shooting to get this data? Did he take up Shooting People in the Leg as a trade from Washburn Trade School when he was young and now he is doing his research for his doctorate in leg shooting? Before I could ponder the implications of his findings I notice he is getting off the train at the 63rd St. stop. (Pause) I was going to go to the shop today but looking at my legs I decide to go home instead.

Good luck storming the castle....

So I was waiting for a bus around 11pm but it seemed as if there was no such thing as buses anymore. Why would I say this? Because I was standing at the 79th street terminal with a complaining guy on a bike(!) and a shadowboxing homeless man that just happened to be cackling like a coked out hyena. Now I can't tell you which made less sense to me between the two but it was a very close race because it made no sense that a man with a bike at his disposal would be mad that there was no bus. The other guy needed no explanation. When a bus finally showed up it just sat at the end of the terminal with its lights off. WTFF?!?? I had been at the terminal for about 20 minutes! The bike guy rolled over to the bus to ask when the driver was pulling out. When he came back he said that the bus driver gave a 20 minute expectation. 20. minutes. The guy on the bike said "skip that! I'm gone." and rode off. At that point it looked as though the homeless man lost his shadow boxing match and walked off. I didn't want to be at the stop by myself so I figured I could make good time walking to 69th street.

So I started walking. About 3 minutes into my trip the bus that was back at the terminal passes me. **Vroooom!!** Dude. Well, I wouldn't see another bus for at least 1/2 an hour so I didn't sweat it. "VVVRRROOOOMMMMM!!!!!!" 5 minutes later. Shit. At this point I'm thinking about cancelling my trip but I had not ate that evening and White Castle was at the end of my trip. Mmmmm. Sliders. Plus, I kept thinking about the hyena boxer and I didn't want to end up someone's leather suit because I wasn't paying attention.

At this point I'm painfully aware of every inch of the sidewalk between me and White Castle. as I pass the halfway mark I see a two guys coming my way, one with a bike. WTH!! My mind starts messing with me.

Mind: Here we are walking like Gunga Din and this asshole is walking with his bike.

Me: Yeah, but what about it?

Mind: If we had that bike we would be home, eating sliders by now!

Me: Yeah, but we are not so suck it up.

Stomach: We COULD be if we take his bike....

Me: Shut up, Stomach!! You are the reason we are out here in the middle of the night as it is!

Stomach: No, the reason we are out here is because your old ass took a NAP when I wanted to get food at 8pm!

Mind: You know, he's right...

Me: Shut UP!! The both of you!!

So once I get to White Castle I end up ordering $21 worth of food. (Note: You should never go get food when you are hungry. You will go broke.) I brought a book bag with me because the last time I got White Castles on the bus I got cussed out because they stunk up the entire bus. I figured if I put them in the book bag I could muffle the smell on the trip back. As I wait on the bus for the return trip I notice that more and more people are coming out of the house. Being the paranoid person I am I think they are coming for my burgers. No one was coming for my burgers. In fact, when I got back to the house the rest of the family was already eating White Castles. Where THE hell did they get burgers and when?!?!?! Man, forget you guys!

Mind, body and stomach

So I was about to get on a bus to meet Houseboy Jay at the Swap-O-Rama Flea Markets location in Alsip, IL. It was late and, according to Google, I would arrive exactly 2 minutes after the flea market closed. The problem was that there is no direct bus to the flea market and despite what route I took I would have to walk nearly a half mile to get there. Walk? I thought the reason to ride public transportation was to avoid walking as much as possible. Uber, you say? That is a great idea that my bank account did not support. I am often at odds with my bank account. Stay at home, you say? That was also a great idea but I said I would go out so that I may attend the DJs of the Craft cookout. The problem was that it was in Butt Fuck Egypt (also known as Dolton, IL) and getting out to the suburbs is not the issue with travel in the suburbs. Getting back from the suburbs is the issue. So, according to Google, I had about 30 minutes to get ready to go, otherwise I might as well take a nap and forget the trip.


So I get out of the shower and walk up to the bus stop. This guy appears out of nowhere and asks to by an oil. He appeared to be in a hurry and took whatever I suggested. Cool! This trip is already a profit. Approximately 1.2 seconds later the exact bus I needed pulled up. Another good sign! I was already forgetting about my dreaded walk later in this trip. I get to the Cicero stop in no time and I see what I assumed was my bus pulling up. Crap!! Double Crap!! Crap soft served in a cone with a doo doo ball cherry on top!!! I'm overloaded and running is not an option. Suddenly, the bus turns and goes down 79th street. That's not my bus!! I'm glad I didn't run for it and stop it just to be embarrassed that it was not my bus.


I cross the street and wait at the real bus stop. Right about at that point my mind starts playing tricks on me. I am often at odds with my mind.


Mind: You should get something to drink.


Me: But I might miss my bus.


Mind: You've got plenty of time.


Me: But what if Google was wrong?


Mind: Google is your friend. Google wouldn't do that to you. Google wants you to stay hydrated.


Me: But the Pace bus doesn't care if I am thirsty or not.


Mind: It's not like you will miss the bus. There is only one bus per hour.


Me: Exactly! And I don't want to miss it!!


Needless to say, My Mind has gotten my in trouble in the past so I decided against the risk.


Mind: See? You've had plenty of time. You could have gotten a drink AND a candy bar.


Me: But I didn't want a candy bar. That's why I can't listen to you!! YOU want that candy bar!


Stomach: No, that was my idea.


Me: Shut up, Stomach!! You NEVER have our best interests in mind. We are going to a friggin' cookout!! There will be food there!


Stomach: Hey, I'm just saying! And stop yelling at me before I get upset.


So, while I was trying to think of something clever to say to my Stomach, the bus pulls up. The Pace bus driver seemed as though she was going to get off duty after this run. I blinked about four times and we were already on 95th. Wow! I may make it before the time Google said I would. As I look around the bus I see this old White couple. The guy looks as if he attended Woodstock in person. The woman resembled the wife in the American Gothic painting by Grant Wood. The guy was wearing a McDonald's uniform complete with And 1 basketball shoes. And 1s? They looked well worn, too. What if this old dude was a baller that fell on hard times? He probably played for the Chicago Bulls when they were first created. Hell, he might actually be Chuck Taylor! And to think that his girl was so loyal that she didn't leave him when his shoe money ran out! Suddenly she gets up and leaves but he stays on the bus. Maybe that wasn't his girl afterall. He gets off a few stops later. There were fifty empty seats on that bus but they sat next to each other. Oh, well. Who knows what their real story was.


So I see the Alsip water tower which meant I was close but the driver turned in the opposite direction. I jumped up and asked the driver if we were heading in the direction of the flea market . She says "that's in the opposite direction" and let's me off the bus. I'm grateful that I was paying attention and I start walking. I quickly noticed that not only were there no sidewalks but, apparently, 127th and Cicero are both friggin' HIGHWAYS!! To top that, the side of the road I was on was next to a friggin' CEMETERY!!! Can this get any worse? Yes. Yes, it can. There was this HUGE dent in the gate where a car (I assume), the gate and a tree I would say was the first tree planted in that cemetery decided to have a game of rock, paper scissors. The tree won. At least the driver wasn't that far from the cemetery. I decided to cross the street.


I get to the Swap-O-Rama at exactly 4:03 PM. Google said it would be 4:02. It takes another half hour for Houseboy to get his shit together. Another half hour to find a parking space. I had a great time there so I guess it was worth it. (I made another $40 at the cookout!)

P.S. I didn't get anything to eat until we got to a gas station after the flea market. It gave me the runs the next day.  I guess Stomach was still mad about that candy bar.

Do apes have lips?

So I was waiting for the train at the Jackson stop and I hear Marvin Gaye's "Sexual Healing" blaring from a speaker.Now I don't know about you but when I hear that anthem I think it's time to find someone to get cozy with and not when is my train due. So I turn to see where it's coming from and I see... a dude in a gorilla suit lip syncing and dancing to the song. Maybe you didn't understand me. I said...a dude...IN A GORILLA SUIT (yes, the full suit with gorilla head included)...LIP SYNCING to Marvin Gaye's "Sexual Healing" (yes, the gorilla's lips were moving to the lyrics) complete with a dance routine.....and no one blinked an eye. I don't know what was more shocking: The dance moves, the choice of song or the fact the gorilla knew all the words.

Crash and Burn

So I was riding the bus and this dude sat next to this girl on some ole flirty tip. I couldn't really see what was going on because they were sitting directly behind me. Now, I'm not trying to judge his mack game because Lord knows I have absolutely no game but even I could tell that he was used the Chickenheads and T.H.O.T.'s who have no self esteem. Can you say "super easy?" Again, no judgement (but they are like the first two levels of Candy Crush.)

Anyway, he starts out asking from where he knew her. In fact, I think it would better serve this spectacle if I present a play by play of the event.

Dude: Don't I know you.

Girl: Maybe.

Dude: Didn't I see you at Adrianna's Nightclub?

Girl: Yeah, probably.
(Editor's note: You could have said this location for any young Black Girl between the ages of 17- 29 and you would have gotten a positive response.)

Dude: Yeah, yeah. I remember you. Don't I have your number in my phone? What's your name.

Girl: (insert fake name here)

Dude: Yeah, I know you you hung out with us. We were in a green van with sounds in it out in Harvey. What's your number again?

Girl: Harvey? You got the wring girl. I don't hang out like that and my phone is off.

Dude: What's it start with? I want to see if I have your number in my phone.

Girl: 312...
(Editor's note: It is extremely rare that a person would have a cellphone number that starts with this area code these days. If you have one it is a legacy number you probably ported over from a landline and you lived North of Cermack Rd.)

Dude: What's the next number?

Girl: If you had my number it should have popped up with the first three numbers.

Dude: Yeah, Yeah. Where you headed now?

Girl: To my Grandma's House out West.

Dude: Where out West?

Girl: On Kedzie, in the 80's
(Editor's note: We were riding on a 79th street bus that was going to Western Ave. (2400 West). Kedzie (3200 West) is a full mile from Western and she, if her story was true, should have been on the Ford City bus that was ahead of us.)

Dude: So why don't you take my number down?

Girl: My phone is off.

Dude: You can borrow someone else's phone and call me.

Girl: How would I do that? I live with my guy.

Dude: You can call me when you are out and about.

Girl: I don't go anywhere.

Dude: You going somewhere today. You can call me today.

Girl: With what phone?

Dude: Just borrow someone's phone.

Me: **light chuckle and small head shake**

Dude: Well, this my stop. It was nice seeing you again.

Girl: : **No response**

At this point I can finally see what dude looked like. I would have to say that he was the typical light skinned Black kid aged 19-23, 6'1" with dreads and his ass cheeks hanging out, as is the custom these days. You know, the usual suspect look in Chicago. I guess the girl didn't like that look. As I got up for my stop I had a chance to glance at her. As hard as dude was trying to get up with her I half expected Halle Berry circa Boomerang orMonster's Ball sexy freak Halle. I guess she could tell I was disappointed by the look on my face because she was staring directly into mine. I'm not saying she was ugly or anything but I don't know if she was worth the tremendous effort dude put out for her. Then again, he was no (insert pretty faced, light skinned celebrity dude's name here).

The Coughing Man

This is a bus story.

So I was riding on the bus and I was minding my own business. You may find that fact hard to believe due to my many stories concerning the shenanigans and tomfoolery I witness on a regular basis but I just wanted to get home this day. I was riding a bus line I usually don't ride but I wanted to go to the grocery store because I wanted to eat something that was not submerged in grease this day.

Well, as we went along our merry way we stop at this major street. Some guy hails the bus but he does not board. We sit there for a moment while some very drunk guy stumbles across the street while this good Samaritan helps him get home. Kudos to that guy and if I had a cookie I would have given him half of it but I would have kept the half with the most chocolate chips. So this drunk guy stumbles onto the bus and he decides to sit.....BEHIND ME! Mothersucker! Maybe he will be a quiet drunk. Maybe he can hold his liquor. Maybe he was drunk from fruity wine coolers that smell delicious. One can only hope.

So I'm sitting there wondering what I will have to endure with this guy and then....**cough!** I can feel the hairs on the back of my neck move. Dammit! Now the older I get the more I realize that I am neither immortal nor invulnerable. I am very aware that I'm just a guy that can get sick from someone else's cooties. Cooties are bad, m'kay? Now I have this potential cootie farm sitting behind me coughing every 10 seconds and I'm freaking out. I'm not a hypochondriac but I can't help but think this guy is Typhoid Larry and I'm catching all sorts of disease and misery. My mind is going wild with every cough. Here's how it seemed to me:

**cough**
I don't feel well....
**cough**
I have the sniffles...
**cough**
I have a cold....
**cough**
I have the flu...
**cough**
I have cholera
**cough**
West nile...
**cough**
Ebola...

By now I'm freaking out and I can't wait to GET OFF THIS BUS!! I felt as though I was sitting in front of the Horseman, Pestilence! Suddenly it's my stop! I hop up to get off the bus with a complete feeling of relief until I realize that .....this...is...his...stop...toooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!! Dammit!!

Ma-a-a-a-n-n-n

So I'm riding the bus but it is one of those accordion buses and I am sitting in the slinky part of the bus. I am very uncomfortable because the seat is higher than regular seats. I am 5'6" on good days so my legs are swinging as if I was a kid. It's hard to look manly when your legs are swinging to and fro. Then I noticed that the suspension in that section was especially rough and I appeared to be jiggling. No real man jiggles on purpose if he can help it. I quickly changed seats before someone tried to take my lunch money. Fat boy problems.

Asian persuasions

So I was riding the train and minding my own business when this Asian guy starts vomiting. It wasn't like an exorcism or anything but it wasn't something you see every day. Suddenly I started thinking that this dude was about to be patient zero in a zombie outbreak and I was thankful for my heavy, wool coat. "He can't get through THIS coat."

When I get to the station there are Guardian Angels handing out flyers and a TV news crew out front. As I locked eyes with this dude I suddenly felt as if I was being challenged to a pop lock battle and I needed to represent my crew. Maybe it was the fact that I was wearing my oil belts slung across my chest and I was dressed all in black but the only thought in my mind was that "I can take this sucker!"

I need to get out more often.

Bus rider Quick notes and random thoughts...

Apparently, people that ride the bus don't want to date people that ride the bus.

Riding the bus during school hours has made me hate other people's children.

I would love to go get some White Castle cheeseburgers but I'm told that they smell like freshly squeezed flatulence when you're riding the bus.

Just kicking it on the bus

So I'm riding the bus and I have to stand because the bus is a bit crowded. Suddenly, I feel this kick to my leg. I look over and I see what I assume is a brother and sister combo. I suppose the best way to describe the encounter is this:

kid; **kick**

Me: **glance**


kid: **kick**

Me **glare**

kid: **kick**

Me: **evil stare**

kid: **kick**

Me: **quick scan of the bus for a parent**

kid: **kick**
Me: **lock on target, getting ready to punch the kid's Mother in the uterus for having her**

At this point I was ready to kick the little girl in the face and tell her that Santa Claus hated her for believing in the Easter Bunny and her loose teeth had no value and she owed the Tooth Fairy for the previous transactions. Then I noticed that the little girl was one of five kids and I knew any confrontation with the mother would result in a 5-on-one slap fight. Thinking that I didn't have enough money on me to bail myself out of jail for beating up a family I decided to let it go.

**kick**