Rubbing is racing

So I was riding the bus today and I was trying to figure out the best way to get to my G.E.T.O DJZ INC. meeting since it normally takes 2 1/2 hours for that trip. Screw it. I'm going to ride the Western bus to the Orange Line. So I get to the Western bus terminal on what seemed to be the slowest bus in creation. It was like 20 Senior Citizens on walkers were pushing this bus down the street. DUDE!!! Did the bus run out of fuel and you are coasting?

When we get to the terminal I hop on the Western Bus and I notice that there are always people just sitting at that stop as if it were some type of hangout. Is this a union meeting? How about a block club? Don't your asschecks get cold on that concrete?

Anyway, this lady gets on the bus and she is speaking loudly. She is speaking to a guy that boarded with her. In between speaking loudly she is popping her gum. Now, I don't know about you but loud gum chewers get on my damn nerves. I think they know this and choose to sit directly behind me. THEN she starts singing some Gospel song. I have a theory about choir singers. I believe people that sing in choirs can only sing while in a choir and NOT when they are by themselves.

Well, when I get to the train station I head for the door. This guy gets off as well but he keeps weaving into my path like he is boxing me out.I try to go around but he is blocking me as if her is driving NASCAR. Dude! Get the hell out of my way! If I miss this train because of you I would advise you to not get close to the edge of the platform. My name is James and I'm a shove-a-holic.

Pissed off

They say that being pissed off is better than being pissed on (unless you are into that kind of thing).

So I was riding the bus the other day and I missed the 4:00 a.m. bus AGAIN! I was pissed to say the least and I sent a text to the CTA to see when the next bus was coming. It messaged back that another bus wasn't due until 5:00 a.m. I started walking to Ashland to catch my alternate route but then a bus materialized out of thin air before I got to Ashland. WTF?! Well, I decided to ride that bus because I wanted to see what happened with the Red Line renovations. After all, the mayor was talking big shit on the TV about how well things went.

Well, first the buses were running like shit and I think they did that on purpose to take your mind off those damned Ventra cards. We got within 500 feet of the Dan Ryan and they made everyone get off the bus and switch buses. The bus took so long moving afterwards that I decided to walk that last 500 feet. I made it there before the bus but just missed a train by 15 seconds. Before the renovation that would have meant anywhere from 15 to 30 minutes added to the trip. I am happy to announce that another train was 7 minutes behind that one. Well, that was the only good thing about that situation because the station looked as though all they did was slap some paint on it and called it done. What's worse is that it only took one day for someone to desecrate it be peeing on the platform. Why is it that people pee on the CTA platforms? If not that then they pee in the elevators. Didn't your mommy ever make you go before you went anywhere? No more drinks for you before any trip.

You no make the pee pee here!

Back to the train. The mayor was talking much shit about how the train would not have to go 15 miles an hour and the ride would be smoother and faster. I believe it may have been because I think we went 17 miles an hour from 69th to 63rd. Man, did I make up that time or what?

Anyway, my grade for the new Red Line is a solid C-. ( I gave them extra credit for adding the elevators to the stops that did not have them. Ya-a-a-aY! More places for people to pee!

My Journey never ends

So I was riding the bus the other day and I was the spectacle this time. Why, you ask? Because I was standing on the bus stop singing Journey songs with my headphones on. Every time I ended up at a stop I was singing "Anyway You Want It" and "Don't Stop Believing" on endless repeat. Of course I was aware of other people and I would sing under my breath when they stood near. The truth is I wish I could have convinced them to sing with me. Spontaneous karaoke is a dream of mine. The part that made me a spectacle was when I would get on the bus and I would "air drum" Boston's "Piece Of Mind" and "More Than A Feeling." I'm waiting for the fallout. I will probably end up on World Star Hip Hop or Youtube with a million hits under the heading of "mental health patient rides the bus."

Nothing Ventra'd, Nothing gained.

So I didn't have to ride the bus yesterday but I knew my bus card was going to expire today so I was going around trying to find a place to purchase the old magnetic strip card because the Ventra card is FUCKED UP! Well, after a trip to a bunch of stores the only bus pass I found was 1 day and 3 day passes. Totally not worth the money unless you are going to ride all day. Fuck it. I have to buy the Ventra Card and take my chances. Well, I didn't want to walk around like one of those people with tinfoil in their pockets and on their heads trying to keep the government and aliens from reading my thoughts and the RFID chip in the card. PLUS they want you to register the card so that you can "get the registration fee refunded back to you" which is really an excuse to track your movements using the card. No I'm not a conspiracy theorist because MY conspiracies are facts!!

Anyway, once I resign myself to the fact that I have to either buy this card OR clean up my license and buy a car (which is slightly out of my budget for this month) which would be a good thing for my love life (because it's hard to go a on date if you have to wait for the bus to show up and hope you can get a seat together) I then went the task of looking for an aluminum wallet. Why an aluminum wallet, you ask? Because I don't want the looks you get when you have tin foil in your pocket like a loon. At least with the wallet you look stylish and you know other people have it because you "saw it on TV." SO I go looking for the wallet and the first place I look is Dollar General. I ask the girl behind the counter about it and she says they have them. She then asks "male or female?"

"Huh?"

"Male or female? We have wallets but some of them have feminine designs."

I say, "I don't care just as long as it doesn't have 'Hello Kitty' twerking on the front of it."

SHE says, "they might."

Anyway, they weren't the aluminum ones and after checking several stores and their "As Seen On TV" sections I ended up having to order one off the interwebs. So to make a long story short I will be trying this thing out today in about 30 minutes. I will let you know how it works and the shenanigans that will ensue as a result of my first ride. Wish me luck!

Stick 'Em Up

So I was riding the bus and I was mad. I missed my bus so I was trying to be creative and find an alternative route. I walked to Ashland and jumped on the bus there. Well, apparently, everybody else and their mamas missed their buses too and the bus was super, extra, mega crowded. I stood in the front so that I could disembark (escape) when I got to the "L." I noticed that people were having issues with the new Ventra fare cards and the driver mentioned that you should keep the cards away from your debit cards because they will transfer money from your account to the card. WHAT?!?! What kind of special bullshit is this? I've also heard that if you pass by terminals that accept that form of payment it will take all your money off the card just by passing by. Really. Really? I get on the bus to avoid walking through the bad neighborhoods and now you are telling me I will get stuck up by my FARE CARD?! What's next? Am I going to get mugged by my Walmart gift card?

Later that day I'm trying to get back home. I wasn't feeling good so I was just ready to go. I get to the shuttle and the driver is flirting with another driver saying how sexy she was and that they needed to get together. He was so loud that I had to see who this "fine ass woman" was. When my eyes finally focused I started to get off the shuttle because it was very obvious that this man cheated on his eye exam for his driver's test. Either that or he was "fresh out" and anything with a hole was fine to him.

Question: If you don't have your fare together or you have a "story" to tell the driver why you can't pay your fare why would you get on the bus first and keep everyone else waiting to get on?

Answer: So that the bus driver would get frustrated and wave you on so that he can drive off. It's a ploy so that he will not kick you off the bus. That is why they look at you funny when you put your fare in while they are in the middle of their story because if the line keeps moving before they finish they will get kicked off. Someone ALWAYS has a story about why they can't pay the fare.

Ain't gonna bump no mo'....

So I'm riding the bus and that made me ponder a few things. Now I'm not a small guy. On a skinny day I'm 220. My question is why is it that large people want to stand opposite where you are standing? It's like a big butt toll gate. I don't know anyone other than people with booty fetishes that want to squeeze between people's buttcheeks. Even if you stagger the people standing up and it's like a booty slalom you can still navigate without having to brush against buttocks (unless you are into that sort of thing).

Anyway, I get to the train and I'm trying to find the best way to get to this place where my DJ group is meeting. I have a pretty good idea of how to get there but I'm about 2 hours late according to the supposed start time. I hop on the Red line but I want to change to the Green line so I don't have to climb that mountain of stairs at the Roosevelt stop. I change at 55th and settle in. I'm wearing my headphones to get in the mood for music. I notice some guy is making a speech on the train. I don't know what he is saying but I notice that every other person on the train pulls out headphones so they don't have to listen. I was like a headphone commercial was being filmed on the train. Two women got off a few stops later but so did the guy making the presentation. Can you get charged for talk stalking?

So, I'm riding and this guy gets on with a bike. He places the bike against the emergency door at the end of the car but then goes to sit AT THE OPPOSITE END OF THE TRAIN! (See picture of bike.) What the hella, fella?! The bike was wedged up against the door so anyone trying to get out of that car is totally blocked and you are sitting A CAR AWAY! Dude. AND who rides the train with a bike anyway? Isn't the purpose of having a bike so you don't have to ride the train? Ok, ok. I get that you are trying to avoid getting swamp ass but if that is the case leave the fucking bike at home. With people stealing trains and shit who wants to get trapped because some asswipe wanted to travel with his pet bike with whom he'd rather not be seen in public?

P.S. To the guy driving the R22 shuttle: You know you saw me coming to your bus and you took off to spite me. May your bus uniform gets fleas and your nutsack itches all night with a bus full of nuns.