Criminal Minded, loud and fresh nuts

So I was riding the bus today.  This day was special because I was going to court for getting a ticket for crossing between train cars (!) and I had to see what the fine was.  So I get to Roosevelt and I get off to change to the Red Line.  I ask a police officer for directions and he tells me I should have stayed on the train.  Then he gave me very good directions and I made my 10:30 court time at 10:32am.  The city lawyers take a look at the ticket and decide not to pursue it because it was not filled out properly.  (Yay!)  So now I have time on my hands and I decide to go get some supplies to make some House Head t-shirts.  The problem was that the supply place was so far north that I was almost out of the city.

So I get on the bus  to get to Pulaski Road and this girl is singing (or I believe it was singing because I could not detect any gunshot or stab wounds and no one was attacking her) and she answers her phone.  Here's the thing about taking on the phone on the bus:  Use your inside voice otherwise you might as well put it on speaker phone.  By the time this girl finished her conversation I knew these things about her:

1.  Her birthday is July 2.
2.  She wants the "new Mike's."
3.  The guy that was on the phone was not her boyfriend.
4.  The guy on the phone wanted to get a room instead.
5.  She said that he could save that money and give it to her because they could "do it" at her house.
6.  Sex was a suitable substitute gift for her birthday.  She was very interested in getting that ding-a-ling from dude.

So once I get to Pulaski I'm going north and this lady gets on with her kid.  She immediately makes an unpleasant face like she smells something nasty.  Throughout the trip she keeps changing seats getting closer and closer to the back where I'm sitting.  Apparently she could not tell where the smell was located and was trying to get away from it.  When she gets to the seat next to me she looks directly at my crotch and frowns and then sits down.  WTF?!  Why are you frowning at my junk?  I assure you lady that MY nuts are squeaky clean and minty fresh!

So on my way back I get on the train.  On some stops the doors open on the inside and some outside.  I was standing near the door and it got pretty crowded.  There was a pretty skinny girl standing across from me.  When I say "pretty skinny girl" I mean she was skinny but also pretty, not pretty skinny.  Anyway there was also a heavy girl standing right next to me.  I wasn't bothered by this at first because it was crowded but once the crowd thinned she was still standing practically on top of me!  (In my head I'm hearing the Police's "Don't Stand So Close To Me.")  I'm like Dang lady get up off me!  Then the train gets to the part of the track where the passengers board at the side I'm on and me and skinny girl have to make room to let people off.  Is she laughing at me trying to hold my gut in?  Skip you, skinny girl.  You ain't THAT cute.